My day…….

For anyone who read my earlier post about not getting into college, I got accepted because it was a mistake at their end. I thought my life had new meaning and purpose…… Oh how wrong I was. I haven’t felt this depressed and suicidal for months. I am so paranoid around all the other students. I don’t fit in. I probably could if I really tried but I’m a wimp. I’ve simply had enough. I’ve tried so many things to turn my life around and they all end up the same. I was extremely close to stepping in front of a car today but I thought of my mum at the last minute and didn’t do it. Anyone who is close to their mum or another family member will know what I mean. It’s impossible to leave them but at the same time It’s impossible to live. I simply don’t want to. I really need someone to talk to in person. Everyone I’ve spoken to on this site have been very supportive but it’s not the same. None of my friends would understand, in fact, I’m certain they would delete my number and never speak to me again. They think I’m lazy, I’m not lazy, I’m just terrified of the outside world. I want to be normal but I’m not. I’m comfortable sitting in my room playing Skyrim all day because I’m playing as another life, does that make sense? I watched my Grandad die from cancer last year and as horrible as it was watching him in so much pain, I felt a little jealous that he had no more worries. His life was over whereas, I’m only 19. I’ve got a long time left knowing my luck…. I just want someone to run me over or something. Something that kills me quickly and isn’t my fault. I’m not that lucky though.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.