This is the first thing I’ve written (if you can call it that) in over 6 months. I laughingly call it a poem. It doesn’t rhyme or anything. I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I’m posting it. I don’t normally share this kind of thing. I guess I’m just being sad and pathetic. Sorry.
I fall
into the pit of despair
it grabs my heart as it steals my soul
I’m lost
nowhere to go
no-one to help
and it’s my fault
no-one can know the pain I feel
no-one can know how empty I can be
the times when I look at the world and see it flat, unyielding
no more substance than a dream
and other times
now
when all I see is pain
despair
I smother
suffocating in the dregs of my lost hope
wishing I had the strength to end it all
knowing the darkness hasn’t come for me yet
but I wish it would
I want to go
to leave it all behind
and that only makes me worse
because that wish shows how horrible I truly am
to leave the ones that love me
to know they’re not enough to keep me here
and it’s my fault
it always is.
9 comments
i like it. nd we here to help, nd if they love u they will let u go…
Wow thats a powerful poem it explains your pain so elequently,that is some seriously sad shit why do you feel so bad??
Procel – No, they won’t let me go. It’s not the selfless ‘we want you to be happy’ kind of love they feel. It’s the possessive ‘how could you do this to us’ kind. Most of them would blame me – which is fine. That doesn’t matter. But one wouldn’t. They’d blame themselves. *That* I can’t handle.
molly woppit – Because it’s my fault. I’m sorry.
And thanks to you both for the kind words. You don’t have to, it’s fine. You don’t have to pretend it’s any good. I know it isn’t. But thanks anyway.
Interesting how so many people in s much pain are so creative and eloquent with expressing their feelings in ways other than just sentences.
Makes one wonder.
Us feeling selfish for ending a life of pain that we did not ask for also is a twisted concept. Because we feel that hurting those who love us is wrong but then living with pain to spare their feelings is somehow ok.
Does that then make them selfish for wanting us to continue despite our pain…. despite their futile efforts to hep…..
You are really good at poetry keep writing it might help
Why is it your fault? Im just trying to understand?
I used to write stories, once upon a time (I say write but I don’t mean to suggest that I was any good at it) but I stopped being able to do that. I stopped reading before that. One by one the little things that I used to keep myself distracted have slipped away from me. I don’t know what I’ll do when I have nothing left.
As to why it’s my fault, I’ll see if I can explain. I’m sorry I’m not very clear. If we create our own world by the power of our mind, our desires, as some think – then it’s my fault. If not then where I am now is because of decisions that I have made so…it’s my fault.
If I was cleverer I could think of a way out of this. If I was stronger, I could cope or find the strength to finally end it all. Unfortunately I’m too stupid to deal with living and too weak to die. So I’m stuck. And again it’s my fault.
Does any of that help? Does it make sense?
Im Fine.
We do not ‘create’ our own world by the power of our mind.
We can change our perspective on the things that happen but they still happen.
And changing viewpoint may help you cope with the pain but it does not erase it.
Learning a lesson from the pain also does not negate its existence.
Every decision you make is a conglomeration of many factors. It is never really 100% your fault because of the myriad of influences that are external that act upon our internal.
Even though the final decision may be yours you were programmed beforehand in a certain fashion with a certain set of possibilities. And even though it is quite possible to reprogram yourself somewhat, even that is influenced by methods already in place.
It is your expression of these things that are unique.
We all are products of our inner selves and environment.
There are things in your deep mind that you may not even be aware that are influencing you. Plus brain chemistry, body chemistry and how they react with our environment.
I do understand what you are saying. Completely.
But it is not your fault.
It is our fault as a species that we have done so much collective damage over the years that certain factors drive people to such suffering and pain.
U.N.Owen.
I don’t think we do create our own world but others seem to. I was merely going through the possibilities (or at least trying to). Sorry. I’m not very good at expressing myself. And I get what you’re saying about there being factors other than myself involved in the decisions I make but the thing is – my life isn’t that bad. Most people would be happy with my life. The only thing wrong with my life is me. Ergo – my fault.
Thanks for trying though.