I feel like breaking down into hysterical sobs but I can’t because I have some semblance of a life to lead.
I’m so shocked that I’m here again, depressed and feeling antsy. I’ve been recording a lot of material the last few days and it’s been wonderful; I feel so proud that I was able to complete so much in such a short period of time, especially since I was raised to procrastinate. I’ve been satisfying my “artists spirit” and the hours just float by. I get really bad hunger cramps because I’m so focused on my shit that I skip dinner. Things have been going well.
Worked smoothed out, I moved out of my moms, I’ll be out of debt in a couple months.. things are going well but…
I always come back to zero. It’s like…
Most people float above the ground, usually on their own ignorance; but they’re floating nonetheless. They can be happy without all the strings attached; they just float. When they get sad, they sink to the ground, but eventually they’ll make their way back up.
I live on the ground. No matter what I do or how much I propel myself upward, I always land back on the ground. 😥 that’s the most I can do for tears right now, a silly emoticon. By the time I get home and feel alone/safe enough to cry, I’ll just drug up.
It seperates me from my body ever so slightly but just enough to not completely realize that I exist. I float..
I want to cry.
I had this idea months, maybe years ago, the whole floating thing. It was a feeling back then. My “best friend”/leech often falls from the sky and it always seems like she’s going to stay on the ground with me, but she always picks herself up and gets back to la la land. ;:cry:;
I feel so fricken alone; she’s my best friend and I feel most comfortable around her but she may as well be lightyears away. She never truly “gets it” because she doesn’t have the capactiy to, like teaching a fish to drive.
I want family and friends and a lover that stay with me on the ground, I want my tribe but how mean is that, to ask for others to be mentally burdened by life and existing the way I am? I want to feel part of something and not feel the anxiety. I want realy physical people, not words on a screen.
I want, I want, I want
Gee, I coulda swore that I was done wanting.