My life is ending

Its hard to agree with others when they say i need mental help. I have been through so much, suicide is the only way out. To be honest i have had so many suicide attempts, i lost count. I’ve been put through so much help. I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask for? My life started failing for me when i was about 5. I used to get molested by my older next door neighbor. Its hard trying to write all of this down when i have tears in my eyes, its a hard topic for me to speak about, but i NEED the help! He used to wait until i was alone and he would have his way with me. He would touch me innapropriately and act as is nothing happened when everyone came back. Of course i was just a little girl back then, i didnt know what was going on. Years later, the same thing started happening again, except this time it was with my god-father. In thi case though, it continued for a long period of time. He would tell me to NOT tell anyone because the consequences would be bad for both of us. Of course since i was scared, i stayed quiet. More years passed and guess what? The same thing happened again! When i was 15 (last year) my grandpa started coming in my room at night and molested me in my sleep. I dont know for how long it happened for because i only caught him once or twice. I didnt say anything though because i know that nobody would believe me. I could feel my door opening and my tears would come out because i would think to myself “Here we go again, and i cant even say anything or do something about it.” He would think that i was asleep and he would get closer to me and fully undress himself and take advantage. I would lay there crying because i was so scared, i wanted to tell someone so many times, but i was just too scared of what might happen. So for now i just kept in a secret. He never found out that i knew what evil things he would do to me at night. I hate him so much. He goes around acting like nothing ever happened. After he stopped doing that, my life started regaining strength. I bet a boy who i fell inlove with instantly. We just had a connection that i cant even describe