Not saying that some twisted situation will come along that prevents me from killing myself. But I’d have to be either severely crippled or under the influence of drugs and locked up. And if either of those two happen I’ll just hopefully die from the complications or my mind will be to blasted to worry.
But the fact that I have no fear of failing a suicide attempt again has made everything look different. Bills, work, day to day responsibilities I can really shuck off because they are not an issue. Nothing in life is an issue because I know there will be no future repercussions or pain.
For once in my life I can slack off on everything except my methods. No more having to be mr super discipline about anything to maintain excellence. Does not matter what I eat or drink because I will be dead soon anyway. If heart attack, stroke, liver failure, renal failure, or anything kills me before my planned time that would be a plus.
I can drink, smoke, partake of some illegal substances because maybe I will O.D. Or maybe try some of the steroids and pro hormones that I rep for online. Just for the heck of it. Maybe it will stop the pain. I am surely not wasting my money on medical treatments that cannot cure me.
Have already left any money that may be left over two the two local children’s hospital. Was supposed to be my son’s college fund but he died last year so might as well help the sick children.
Might take my other vehicle down to the ghetto where they street race and see if I can beat some of those youngsters. Or get a motorcycle and try to do all the tricks I can on it.
Can finally be reckless again like I was as a teen. Maybe I’ll start free running again. We called it dash and smash back in the day but if I fall off something high and die that would just be part of the plan. Maybe I’ll end my celibacy…doubt that one though because it probably does not even work anymore.
Then maybe Ill do not of it because I am too lazy and cowardly.
To those who are doing well in this moment, I hope it extends for you.
For those of you in pain at this moment, I hope something comes along and makes you feel good again.
Sayonara,
Kage Ronin