I just sat down for the last several hours and wrote a note or a “Suicide note” to everyone I will be leaving and it made me feel good inside. And brought me just a little closer to going through with it. Again I’m not a big church guy but Im planning on going to mass and penance this weekend too, for what its worth. In my note I don’t blame anyone, I just wanted them to know I love them and ensure them my end is not their fault. I also don’t want a funeral, I want to be cremated, spread at a beach and forgotten as soon as possible. Not sure if it is a good idea to leave it or not. ThI don’t see the harm and it will answer a lot of questions. Thoughts?
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Hm, well, even if you leave a note and you tell your family or friends or whoever that it’s not their fault they’ll probably beat themselves up over it thinking, we could have done something. With or without a note, they will surely blame themselves or question what more they could have done for you because that’s how people are. And I’m almost positive you won’t be forgotten as soon as possible.
GG makes sense.
I don’t know your issues etc so i will refrain from making too many judgements, but in short, ‘your perspective’ right now isn’t likely as clear as it could be….. i wish it was, but alas.
If you do have loving people, and you seek to damage this life you have, then don’t damage the ones you leave behind.
Death (or The Afterlife) is a given, and will come to everyone in due time, life is hard won! I can never understand why everyone is a rush to leave this one. Too many people give up to easy.
I ‘hope’ you make the right decision either way ….
AdAstra
Goodgirl and Adastra, hey guys. Well my whole family lives on the other coast so I try to fly home twice a year and they come out here to the beach once a year. It’s not like I see them everyday, I left home for college/military, it will be upsetting at first but its not like there will be an empty chair at Sunday dinner. I just want them too know they didn’t do anything wrong, which I’m pretty confident they know, but it will comfort them to know I love them so much. And my old friends who I still miss everyday.
I think you should leave a note, if only so they know that you were thinking of them and so they can get some understanding into your thinking behind what you’re doing. I would suggest, though, that you be careful about where you leave it so it doesn’t get found before you’re ready for it to be found, if that makes sense.
I hope you reconsider, though. You seem like a nice person that’s going through a hard time. It would be nice if the world gave you a break and things worked out for you. Maybe you should wait a little while, just in case it does?
Good luck either way.
lon, im going to post a video for you ….. it talks a bit about military towards the end ….. tell me if it hits home…and other thoughts?
hey, I like your preferences, mine are similar, except I would like my ashes to be spread around a woodsy area rather than a beach.
If you can think of anyone who might need your help, and this might take contacting a few old friends or family members, you could postpone this decision until later, as it is true getting away from your current environment could help you think straighter. (Why do I believe you aren’t thinking exactly straight? Cause if you were, you’d be able to decide on the issue of to leave a note or not). Away from your current environment, you can decide whether this is what you want, and most assuredly you will know whether to leave a note. Imo, if there is anyone you care about, leaving a note shows some consideration for their feelngs.
OMG Lon…are serious…you give your life….YOUR LIFE…no more value than taking up a chair at the dinner table….are you serious?….what’s going on?…i strongly recommend the whole church plan…not that I am personally religious….but man Lon….somebody has got to get through to you….when I think of all the wonderful things you have done….the wonderful things you are still doing…and most especially the wonderful things you will do….you not only end your life….you potentially end many many many more….but don’t worry….you won’t be aware of it until it’s too late if you take your preferred way out…just saying….you know i like to joke and kid…more than anything…much to yours and others chagrin….but i’m not playing right now…..sorry
I believe you are in extremely capable hands with GoodGirl and Adastra and those other fellows when they appear….I have to attend to real time stuff tonight but I pray I see you here when I get back….I have come to care a great deal about what becomes of you….17 toed orang or not….but in the end….if your pain is more than you can bear….just ask God and he will take you home….kinda like Dorothy…ya know….I just hope you packed your ruby slippers…..it really is that simple…you just have to ask right….from the bottom of your pit of despair….but if you’re not there yet…you just think you are….you will not go…whether by your hand or the hand of another….that is the ultimate truth Lon….if you want to really know if your number is being called soldier….just ask God.
Know that you are Loved Much
Amakua
oh yeah and sorry…..i vote yes….or maybe no…well….in the end it is whatever is best for you
A note would be nice. At least to remind them that you love them.
If you have loving friends and family, then nothing will persuade them that it is anything but their fault. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t write it, but consider [trying] to explain what IS at fault, or, at least, how you feel.
Perhaps it might help them accept it better.
Whichever way things turn out, I wish you all the best.
Hey Im Fine, I agree with you, that’s why I wrote it. It kinda helped me find closure.
I seem to have a dark cloud over my head, I’ve had it my whole life. I can’t go one day without something like even just a parking ticket because I parked a little out of a parking spot to let someone in a wheelchair who needed the extra room in the spot next to me, I got a double park ticket! or I redid the whole garden one day in the front of the house, looked great but managed to break the sprinkler. Every frign day it is something, it is so weird, now I drive overly careful so I don’t get some sort of ticket, I should wear a helmet when I walk outside the house. I’m scared to leave my home. It’s a curse or something. I already am going to be crushed by my current stupid problem, if I stick around I don’t know how much worse it could get.
lon, see my post “A Few Good People” …re vid ….
Ok, I will now 🙂
I’m sorry such bad things happen to you. At least you’re trying to be nice to others – small comfort, I know. Why is it always the nice people that get the crap dumped on them from a great height? It’s enough to turn anyone evil (maybe that’s the point?)
Once again, good luck.
True, I have one buddy who’s wife is an absolute doll, great wife, great mom and BAM dies of cancer literally one day, while another Buddy who’s wife can’t seem to stop cheating on him and you know she’ll be healthy as anything and live forever. Very weird how life works.
Life has a messed up way of treating those who try the hardest. I hope you do what you feel is right or necessary. I say leave a note.
Here’s a suggestion. Something that has worked for me always. Get outside of your self. Seriously…..find someone who has less than you, worse than you or is just like you and extend your hand….if you’re as churchy as you say…you know who that beggar really is…if not…preaching to the deaf and blind…just saying….what you put out to the universe comes back to you threefold….I know you’re scared….but so what…..don’t you think we’re all just as scared as you?….i know I am….and I’ve already been saved….but what have you got to lose….wouldn’t you like your possibly last mission on earth to be a success….your last intent one of love….won’t continue in this line….Adastra can most likely try to explain what i’ve just said…me….not so much…lol
But it’s getting real personal…my fault…so I’m calling it a night
Love to All
lon, there is a famous truism ~ everyone dies, but not everyone lives …..
Death should never scare anyone ….. but then, nor should life ….. and yet so many are afraid of it …. no need to be ….
“The elevator to an easy life is out of order, you have to take the stairs” ….
Ad Astra
Ad Astra, that is a kick-ass post. I like it. Makes perfect sence.
thx, i just that it was particularly poignant/pertainent for someone like you …. ie military.
anyone else that you may feel will benefit or gain some insight, point it out to them … dem words are wise in the vid ….
One of my fav speeches ….
take care buddy …
Amakua, I’m far from churchy. I want to confession in 2003 when I left Thailand so, as I told the chaplain I’d “have a clean slate, so I could get back into the fight when I got home” and a few trips to midnight mass on Christmas in my uniform to meet girls…not very pious. Just thinking of poking my head back in, see what I’ve missed. I’m friends with all the local bums, I always give them food or booze too. I do quite a bit for Wounded Warriors and Dawg, has me thinking hard on fostering a dog. Again, doesn’t get me out of my situation.
Now I feel good about myself again after talking to you guys on here, this site is useless. Amakua, are you ever going to email the real me?
Lon, don’t you mean this site is useful? ;]
I don’t know. I feel great chatting with you guys, then afterwards just have too face reality. Like mwtele said, it creates “false hope”.
Right, I gotcha. But, what everyone says here is true. You seem like such a good person. I really think you should reconsider offing yourself.
I know. The funny part about it is, everyone on here is exactly like my friends and family. I could see hanging with you guys. And they’d tell me the same thing. Fuck, I dont know.
See, we care. Just like a family. I like that about this site. People genuinely care.
I just had this mental image of us all hanging out around a table having a drink.
Hahaha! Yeah, me too. I’ll bring the sambuca. Some of the people on here are in Japan and other countries. Pretty amazing how EVERYONE cares more about other people than themselves. Not one person on here doesn’t. It is just like a family.
Are you Italian? Yeah, there’s people on here from all over the globe. It’s crazy. That’s true. I can definitely say that I care more about others than myself. And everyone else on here is the same. That’s why this site is so useful. When we can’t get that support anywhere else, you can get it here.
Jeeze colonel – first ya disappear and then ya go getting chatty when I’m not around … a guy might get to thinking he’s not wanted anymore 😉
just kidding of course! glad to hear from you 🙂
as for writing a “note” or not … go ahead and write it ,,, it will be therapeutic … i actually started “writing’ mine back in august … and it turned into a log/journal. whenever I start getting very depressed i go back to my “note” which is now 8 pages long … and still growing LOL … although, since I’ve spent more time writing here I’ve spent a lot less time on my “note” – by the time I think about adding to it i’m usually “typed out”.
word dawg
Yeah, parents are Italian. Grand parents came off the boat. You? It’s Friday, are you headed out with buddies tonight? Friends help. You’re lucky to be with your little sister, you guys have each other. If I was surrounded by my old buddies, brothers and cousins, it would be really helpful. That’s why I play stupid video games online with them because I feel like they’re here. I normally walk to the beach for dinner, but as you know I’m not myself lately. No appetite. I walked the pups to the beach this morning, man they love it.
Yep, I’m Italian. My mom’s side. My great-grandparents came off the boat, haha. I don’t know what part of Italy they’re from though.
I don’t know if you were asking me or dawg, but I’m not going out with any buddies tonight. And, I don’t have a little sister. I have an older sister and we’re not close. lol.
Gotcha ya. No buddies?
Ugh, yeah. My friends pretty much left me. We were drifting apart for a while anyway. It happens, I guess. I don’t have problems making friends, it’s just hard to find good ones.
You seem like a super nice person. People tend to move towards people like you for friendship. I’m surprised your a 1 girl wolfpack. You look Italian 🙂
lol, Yeah, I’m a lone wolf. :]
I do look really Italian. I would tell you if you looked Italian but all I can see are your abs. haha
True, my good buddies are back east. I love those guys. When I graduated from boot camp 1 of them gave me their motorcycle to ride for the week I was home. I’m not sure if you ride motorcycles or not but you don’t let other people ride your bike. They would do anything for me. I miss that, everyone out here is just a co-worker.
Jerzy shore abs…lol.
I have an uncle that rides Harley’s, and yeah, he wouldn’t let anyone go near his bike. Sounds like you have some good friends. Why’d you end up moving to the West coast?
lol! And I’m from Jersey too. :p
From Long Island but spent my fair share of summers at the Jersey Shore 🙂
The military moved me out here and all over the US.
I was considering ending up back east eventually. I have too big of a family back there and I’m missing all the fun.
It’s getting late back there, I’m 3hrs behind you. My little brother is jumping on the PS3 at 8:30ish your time. He’s in federal law enforcement and the only one back there who knows my situation. I miss the kid.
Ahh, which part of the shore, north or south?
Oh, okay. Maybe if you went back east you’d be surrounded by your family and friends and less likely to ya know…
Oh, so you’ll be leaving to play with him soon right? It’s getting close to that time.
I used to go to Sea Side Heights (in my old Firebird of course), Bellmar, Wild Wood, and of course Atlantic City. I actually flew to italy this summer our of that Air Force base over there. I highly doubt we know each other, that place is huge.
I’m going in a bit, doing laundry.
lol, I didn’t think we knew eachother, just wondering what beaches you went to. I live in South Jersey, and I’ve never been past AC as far as the shore goes. So I’ve never been to the famous Seaside Heights.
I want to go to Italy so bad.
Alright, talk to you later then.
Ok Goodgirl, thanks for everything as usual. You’re always great to chat with.
Nice talking with you too, Lon. :]
No church can pardon your sins(not in my opinion ad I’m not religious at all). Forgive thyself and he shall knoweth it to be true.
LOL at Lon…..silly man…i don’t have your e-mail….well i suppose i could get it….but be careful what you ask for…lol…gonna go back and read the comments….looks like you had lots of fun without me crappin in your cornflakes…lol….so what did you think of that adastra?….he always seems to have the words to express my emotions…lol…just a little jealous….which means he should get ready to get picked on….lol…just ask Dawg….hehehehe……glad you’re still hanging about….would like to know the upcoming schedule of events….what is the next step in the procedure?and when?….btw your comment at 4:50 p.m. reeks of anxiety and PTSD….just saying…don’t take my word for it….i told you to study the damn disorder and own it didn’t I?….sigh….glad I was never your superior….you don’t follow orders well…lmao…seriously believe it’s your best shot….unfortunately also strongly believe that it is exactly what you are suffering from…now the class can take their seats…lol
trauma comes in many forms….but basically what trauma is ….something that makes you rethink your world….your place in the world…your safety in the world…your purpose in the world….blah….get the drift? and yes just the loss of hope that the world provides us….but we don’t have to accept that particular gift now do we?…hmmm….your history of experiences in this world to date would have finished many of us mere mortals….maybe that’s your shame….that you could handle things most of us couldn’t….but over there it wasn’t “your” people you were fighting…..and the worst part….when you did the right thing…and I for one thank you for doing it….but your world turned against you….or so you must believe because of what happened. this sense of bewilderment, are you still shaking your head every now and again….this changes your world view….and leaves you feeling out of place….man….i could go on for hours…and usually do….but Lon….please just learn what something is before you dismiss it out of hand….it is a condition….which you definitely have….it’s not a mental illness for Christ’s sake…you’re just having some trouble finding your way in the world…cause you woke up in a world you don’t recognize and definitely do not like….that’s it….but it will save your sorry skinny ass….oh yeah…skinny fat ass….lol…..that being said….there is no way out of your situation…..only through it….and i know you’re gonna be just fine one day….but when you think back on this time when you’re 80 you’re still gonna be shaking your effin’ head….just saying….
Now if Adastra can make this crap all nice and neat for me and you….lol….you just might get something out of it….lmao
Hope I talk to you sorta live soon
Love Always
Amakua
Lon3…I’ll tell you I have written so many notes these past couple of weeks to the ones that need them. I feel so much freedom after doing that. Most notes are angry ones but a few are about why its my fault that I’m where I am now. I am hoping to get back to SP next week at night (eastern time zone). I’ve been trying to stay away because I don’t want my, negative attitude, as some would say, but I call positive for me effect anyone’s attitude of finding help and getting better. Talk to you later bud! My email address is my user name on SP at yahoo.
Hey lon hang in there buddy,sometimes writting a note gets the shit out but it wont make the people you leave behind feel any better mate,my mum kept all mine all 13 of em and it hasnt helped her one bit in fact i think shes in worse shape than me specially as im still here.when is yourcourt case?is that what drives you deeper?we are all guilty of catastophising and maybe just maybe it will go your way.what you did for that lady is admirable and i admire your courage for standing up for a stranger you didnt have to but you did.im ex military myself i wish there was someone like you back when i got attacked by an officer that was a long time ago but anyway you have so much more life to live you can do it look at all the support you have here!!!
Molly sure is right Lon3…you got lots of support here no matter what!
Hey Lon….see I knew you were no coward….lol…..foolish for sure….but it takes one to know one….just saying…no judgement here ever….just frustration…lol…that being said perhaps you could solve my current frustration for me….please explain….I don’t speak this language…what is is?…..Italian?…lmao
Amakua, NO WAY! I’m here you you like you’ve been here for me
All kidding aside….I groove ya…ya groove me?….lol….and you have been here for me…in helping you look for your answers i often find my own. Thank you kind screwed up sir….you are a Dink Sir…and before you get pissy….look it up….it means that you sir….are a gentleman and a scholar….a regular Dink eh?…lol
Forgot to tell you but you probably already know this….so forgive the redundancy….but….myself I am bi-lingual….fluent in English and Profanity….English not so much….lol
Love to You
Amakua