Venting.

I loathe myself for posting on here. It’s embaressing really, and I feel like an attention seeker. Unfortunately I have nowhere else to express what I feel, so yeah.

Basically, my life is shit. Sounds cliche, right. I’m from a poor, broken home, with a lesbian mother, 1 sibling (the other was sent away), and I suffer from Major Depression Disorder. I see 2 people a week because of it. Since I stepped outside the world of drugs, alchohol and getting into fights, i’ve slipped into this state, and so really, i’m forced to choose between ruining my life or taking it. (which in my opinion is the same thing anyway.)

The plan has always been to shoot myself through the mouth with a 12b double barreled shotgun. A relative has one – easy access, no problems there. I’ve researched it extensively. Upwards through the mouth, with plastercine around my teeth to prevent slipping and unneccassary pain. It’s pretty convenient that this same relative lives in a remote part of the countryside – so what’s stopping me. Probably fear. Definitely got more cowardly after I changed lifestyles. Not exactly confidence boosting when you know that you’re poor, trying to fit in with people that you don’t even like with a mother than has been a hot topic for bullies since childhood.

Lately i’ve been craving alchohol. Like, really craving. I’m getting some tonight, off the relative I’ve spoken about. What kind of relative makes you pay for drink? Might consider doing it in his kitchen just to inconvenience him, for that.

Do I care about upsetting friends or relatives? Well, no problem in the friend department. Frankly, with no grades, and no money to retake those grades, my life is going to burn anyway. Would I rather leech off them, costing them thousands of pounds and probably an even bigger sum in dissapointment? I was always meant to be the smart one, apparently. The one with a future. I’d rather put them through one year of pain than another 50.

So theres my cliche little whine. Sorry for wasting your time, if you’ve read this far. Good luck with all your suicides and stuff.