Hi, 3 years ago, at the age of 18, I ignorantly made the biggest mistake of my life and tried to kill myself for multiple reasons. I had a passion for a car called 350z, and I did everything I could to get my hands on one, so I worked a minimum wage job and eventually started paying one off. I was happy 🙂 then I met a wonderful girl that I immediately felt connected too, I fell In love with her. We dated for a year and I must say it was the best year of my life. Then i graduated high school, 4 months later I heard alot of my closest friends and family tell me stories about her messing with another kid, I already knew they spent alot of time together in school… Turned out that the rumors were true. I didn’t say anything at first for fear of losing her, it tore me up inside slowly. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else, I lost my car because I lost my job, already feeling like things couldn’t get worse the next month I lost my girlfriend. I didn’t have anybody to talk to because I Usely kept to myself. I tried to contact my ex and told her I just needed somebody to talk to, but she ignored me and told me to leave her alone :/ it was the worst feeling in the world. I couldnt take the pain in my chest and the thoughts crossing my mind so I started taking drugs to cope. Everyday got worse. Drugged out of my mind I called my ex asking her for help but again she ignored me and put the kid she left me for on the phone.. Now in my drugged state I kept calling her over and over again, and eventually told her that I was thinking of just ending the pain and killing myself, she actually talked to me and told me she still loved me and nothing was happening between her and the kid she left me for, she said she didn’t even like him, and she didnt know what she was thinking. I smiled for the first time in months. Still drugged out of my mind I decided to surprise her at a school competition 4 hrs away.. I arrived and sat down in the bleachers, and I saw her… With the other kid… All over each other… I went home in tears and drugged out of my mind. A week later of misery I decided a deadline to end it all.. March 30… The days that followed I spent with my friends trying to have the time of my life, but I faked a smile all along. The day came and I spent it with my family. Now I didn’t want to die in pain, that’s what I was trying to get away from. I was broke and had no way of getting drugs any more, so I went online and saw that an overdose of benydryl would Probably get me what I wanted.. That night I went to the store and stole a couple boxes of benydryl. I took 48 pills of benydryl that night and topped it of with a monster energy drink. I remember I started shaking at first, I couldnt walk, I couldn’t speak only mumbled words with no meaning came out, my eyes popped out like crazy. I laid down on the floor, the next thing I know I woke up in a hospital with my mom next to me. I was in there for about 5 days, then they took me to a hospital were people that try to kill themselves go, I spent 2 weeks there. I got out and I was fine I couldn’t remember much of before kinda like amnissia. I got a call from my ex, I answered and she asked if it was true. When I heard her voice It felt as if ancient feelings were brought back to life. We hung out for about 3 months and she left me alone again. I still felt the same way about her and I still do today, I love her even though we haven’t spoke in 2 years. Many people have accused me of things and Im pretty sure I was set up to look like a bad person, example is my ex got hate text and I was the accused and she believed it, I loved her I would never do such a thing. I started smokin weed to cope with my suicide attempt along with the other things troubling me, I have quit smoking for about 2 months now. All the drugs I abused seem to have destroyed me. I’m now short minded and find it hard to keep up with everything. The overdose on bynedyl messed up my eyes, now one eye faces down while the other faces upward, if you saw me you would avoid me, even I would, I try to encourage myself but everytime I look in a mirror or a picture of myself I want to crawl up in a corner foreve. I feel socially acward in every situation. Its been 3 years and I still feel the same as the night when I tried to kill myself. I’m stuck in misery, I want a way out. I don’t know what do. I failed All my college classes 3 years ago and lost my grant. Ive lost so kuch weight, i only way 120 now! This is my cry for help. I don’t know what to do with my self??? Everything already fell apart and the pieces are in hard to reach places. I currently sleep about 17 hours a day, and when I’m awake I teach my self how to play paino. I want so much out of life, I want to succeed, I crave it but my mind is like a 13 yr olds and I can feel my thoughts withering away every day. Should I just say goodbye to everybody and end my life? What is there to live for now? Where should I go from here? 😐
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You shouldn’t end your life. So many will miss you. When you can’t find anything else to live for, you live for yourself. Life can be so hard, but I have to believe eventually it gets better, and that’s a good thing to hold on to. Maybe, if you like the idea of going back to college, you could try it out again. It could help you meet new people and focus on something else. Have you tried talking to someone? It really helps a lot and many people on here can relate
I’ve tried talking to friends but they push me away saying I’ll get over it Evantaully. College is no longer a option seeing as I can’t afford it. How do I live for myself when I don’t know who I am anymore? Evantaully I will die and be forgotten like everything else, what’s the point anyway?
Well, sometimes your friends haven’t been in this position, so they just don’t understand. And I know what you mean, but I honestly don’t know the answer to that. And yes ‘eventually’ you will die but that doesn’t have to be anytime soon. You still have a whole life, in which things have the huge possibility of getting so much better. Take it one day at a time, and always have hope that tomorrow could be the day life changes in a positive way
Hope of a better tomorrow is what has kept me going for along time but hope is slowly slipping away from me, what if nothing changes as nothing ever seems to change and I live a whole life in the cut. I wish I was a birdy and I could just fly away..
That’s negative thinking, but I know. There is always that possibility, but you have to try not to think that way. I know I am being a hypocrite though. What are the chances your life will never get better.?
I agree, I would also like to fly away, but Birdy is just a name
the chances seem high, I don’t know if there’s any thing to get me out of the whole I’ve fallen in.. Nothing that I can think of is long enough to pull me out. Tell me birdie, what keeps you going ?
Brother, you are in no way a candidate for what you’re talking about.
You need to go back and remember what lit your fire…ie, the car, things that sparked and ignited YOU!….so you got into this relationship and it didn’t work out and now your expectations of how you think things should have been are holding you hostage!…oy!
Make a decision and realize you are doing it to yourself..you made decisions that took you literally and figuratively out of your own driver’s seat and you’re still pining over this girl.
I’m going to be straight with you! Wake up and take charge of your thoughts and feelings and allow nothing and no one to allow you to feel less than worthy of a joy filled life. You can make a choice to reclaim the person you are and the person you want to be or you can keep wondering what happened. Make a choice that fulfills your being…period, and then you’ll get back on track. All of your experiences are good because they brought your here to read this. At 21…holy smokes..a beautiful age. No need to keep retelling yourself or anyone else the story of what’s going on cause that just excuses you from focusing on where you want to go and do…so make a decision. Realize that mulling over it all is beating yourself up, let it go…literally, just let it go, and you’ll find you’re alright and down the road you’ll attract another partner and have another experience. Be flexible in your thinking…this is important for you. Good luck!
If you want some more info Skype me…my id is softsoul9
@softsoul: thank you for that! I difinitly needed it, it’s easier said then done but ill try to act out on your comment, thank you.
Well, i met a really good person on here and he is the first person I told any of my problems to. We are very close even though we have never met in person and he lives far away. I really care about him as he does for me. He gives me a reason to live. I couldn’t imagine making him feel the way i would if he were gone. If he were not in my life, i’m not sure what would keep me going.
I’m sure there has to be something in your life that is keeping you here right now?
@birdy: Fear of what’s on the other side, where I’ll end up.. I wish there was more keeping me here right now but there really isn’t
I think there is, you just don’t see it yet. What are your fears about what’s on the other side?
ending up more miserable than I already am on the other side, I don’t want that. If there is something else I hope I find it soon.
Oh, I guess i worry about that too. And I am sure you will, sometimes you have to not look and let it come to you. What are your goals for the future, other than getting through this? It helps to look forward to something
Future? Hmm.. I haven’t really thought about goals for the future, before I was going to college to get in the medical field and maybe become a doctor but that’s out of the picture now. Do you have goals?
You can do anything you want to.
Funny, that is my goal – to become a doctor
Good luck with that, I hope you make it.
Stephen Hawking suffers from a debilitating illness, far worse than anything we have experienced, yet his desire to live has never faltered. I often wonder what it is that the great man can see, that I cannot.
On a separate note Man City are still drawing with Liverpool. Come on City.
Be strong. Nothing is ever as it first appears. I have spent my whole life trying to second guess myself. Take today for example. I’m withdrawing because my doctors won’t give me more than a months supply of meds in case I take them all at once. I can’t alway get to the doctors. This morning they gave me a stupid depression questionnaire. He wasn’t even my usual doctor bs was asking all sorts of pointless questions. I had not slept in a full 48 hrs. Luckily I’ve booked time off work. I drank a few pints and had a short nap. My stomach is sick and I dont see the point in living just to be lifeless. However, I live in hope I will find the answers.
re stephen hawking ~ I have lived with the prospect of an early death for the last 49 years. I’m not afraid of death, but I’m in no hurry to die. I have so much I want to do first.
Likewise he draws a stark line between the use of God as a metaphor and the belief in an omniscient creator (energy) whose hands guide the workings of the cosmos.
Most people cant separate the God of religions with the Creator/s of the universe.
Second guessing won’t take you far. Curisoity in the pursuit of working knowledge is however important.
When presented with a conundrum Duke, assess the situation, ID the issues and the root of the problem, make an informed assessment, and then make the decision, but mostly ACT. Don’t seconf guess. You don’t have to always be right. Stop trying for perfection, aim for better. It’s more achievable 🙂
@ Adastra
You might just be even wiser than master Yoda.
The problem I am having, and it has not always been this bad, is that I am lying in my bed right now feeling sick, empty and tired. I feel like being sick for no reason. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’m just closing my eyes and waiting for it to pass.
@ Adastra
I don’t really know much about your story. If you have had problems in the past, the pearls of wisdom you frequently share with others seems to be an indication you managed to find the answers.
I am in a completely different category. I will never recover. I will always be on medication and it will never work in the way I want it to.
Theres a girl on here called Morgan. I’ve had a few conversations with her on here. I do care about people and it sometimes helps me to focus on someone else. I was thinking about her the other day and sent her an email just to you know, make sure she’s ok. She didn’t respond but that’s ok.
Humans are driven by expectations. They are either too high, in which case many get disappointed, or they are too low, in which case they self perpetuate their problems and hence grow them to unmanageable levels until intervention of sorts can help alleviate them. eg: a woman with low self esteem becomes self abusive, has a reln with a abusive man etc is a case where extremely low standards (derived from her thought patterns which in turn are based largely on acquired memory/expereinces where no intervention occured during her formative years) perpetuates her problem.
Likewise too high standards, can leave people deflated.
We all need a few small wins on the board in life. It’s what gives us confidence and fuel to push through. Note, i said push thru, not cruise thru life.
Develop some resilience in life and you will go further then most.
And try think of your problems in terms of where they sit on the expectations spectrum – to high/too low?
When people say we are balanced, what they are mostly saying is we have reached a realistic equilibrium btw expectations and reality.
“The elevator to an easy life is out of order, please take the stairs”
Addy
Adastra
A psychological problem and a psychiatric problem are completely different.
yes and no. I would argue two sides of the same coin. Still the same coin.
That said, you are pretty clued up so i wont contend otherwise.
I will just say, the medical profession (and sciences generally) are paving a path where every ‘little’ human difference ‘relative’ to the norm is now considered a issue and requires for its own terminlogy, diagnosis & treatment, and each person citing the phrase might win a science award or nobel recognition.
They much like any other humans, are letting their ego’s and desire for recognition and money drive their efforts, because otherwise many feel insignificant much like any part of the human race.
I call bullshit on some of it from the pysch profession. Many nowdays are driven by the desire to make money – GP’s, Pyschs, etc.
Today, if a child is overactive, they don’t say go out Johnny and play some football, cricket in the hope they tire out theirnatural energy reserves. Instead they say, MY GOD, Johnny wont sit down in front of the televsision, the internet, the computer game and quitely do his homework like a good boy. Quick lets go see a doctor, a pysch, a specialist! Maybe a pill can cure him and make him “normal” (whatever that is in each culture)?
I say i wish there was a pill to cure human stupidity.
So again i say psych and psychiatric are two sides of the same coin (human thoughts) – one deals with out drugs and the other believes only drugs will help.
Hmmm
I think you might be right. My mood sometimes improves when I engage in conversation with people on here. So, it might not be involuntary. Or maybe I’m just sad 🙂
Let me use the analogy of the computer. Your brain is a hard drive, our thoughts are the software that run it. There is good software average software and downright terrible software. Sometimes een god software has a virus infect it (our thoughts) and make our computer run a little less efficiently/optimally.
Poor thinking (ie a virus) is often what is mostly behind people’s issue’s.
Yes people have issue’s, but it is our (good/better) thinking that helps us overcome our issues, not concede to them.
legal & illegal drugs/medications alter our chemical balances and it woud be fair to say the science of brain chemistry is at best in the early days still. A cancer cell is infinitely more explorable then brain chemistry to date, and yet how long have hundreds of thousands of people been researching and trying to understand it?
Go take, dope, it affects our brain quickly by slowing it down. Go take speed and it affects the brain quickly by speeding it up. So to ‘legal medication’ works in much the same way. The commonalty in all the above, is they are a temporary escape or solution and often produce addiction and more problems then they solve.
The worlds problems are 98% mental (software) and ‘maybe’ 2% physical wiring (hardware).
“Research” that looks legitimate to the lay person but fails to stand up to scientific scrutiny is often touted by marketeers. Essentially advertisers are claiming to be using real science to make their claims seem credible. Some of those companies are often pharmaceuticsl co’s. Geeting FDA approval (if in the USA) is expensive but still also flawed. But science is mostly trial and A LOT of error. In fact closer to 90%+ error as a statistical mean espcially in the area’s of chemistry.
commercial wisdom (or commerce) is often what drives many pharm co’s ~ their is little interest to create cues because cures are terrible for business. if everyone is cured how do they make money?
This practice of using dodgy science to promote products and services is unfortunately well established. At best it is flawed, distorting and undermining the image and perception of genuine scientific practices. At worst, it actively misleads and manipulates people whose only flaw is trusting what they’re told.
Many doctors are very good but some take as gospel whatever the pharm reps tell them so long as they make a buck too.
Hope you are well otherwise 🙂
blah typos….sorry.
I’m not gonna tell you to choose life or death, and I’m not gonna tell you that I promise things will get better. However, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Think of all the good things that will happen later on in your life whether it’s learning to play the piano really well or meeting someone who loves you again. Good things will happen eventually though, especially if you have faith in the Lord. Feel free to email me at farmerstrong13@hotmail.com if you want to talk. I’d live to talk to you. You sound like a great person.
David – Thanks 🙂 I wish you luck too
Birdy – I want to thank you because your the first person that Has actaully took the time to talk to me about my emotional distress, you and softsoul really hit the spot, thanks to softsouls words I’m finally slowly seeing my life lift up a bit, I feel as if I’m turning around in life headed back towards the positive :D, I haven’t completely turned yet but the feeling is unexplainable, I feel my heart being resparked! I hope this feeling will grow inside me and last forever. As for my goals for life i still dont have any, but its one step at a time. My first step metophorically was signing in at heartbreak hotel, my current step is undergoing surgery and putting myself back together again. Thank you, your the only person really to listen to me, it is something I really needed. I hope life rewards you for helping another life last longer.