Today my friend came over and I went to the kitchen and when I came back I saw him on my laptop.He looked at me with a look of shock and he began crying why’ll repeating I’m sorry,so I ran over to him to see what was wrong.That’s when I noticed it,I had forgotten to log of my account on here and he  read my posts.When he calmed down he told me he would keep it a secret,but he wanted to help me.So I explained my feelings to him,but I could feel myself holding back and I know he could too because when he left he told me that hopefully one day I could tell him everything.I don’t understand I wanted someone to see their is something wrong with me.So why won’t I let him in?I feel so guilty that I caused  him pain,and that I couldn’t tell him anything,so please someone help me!
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Its the pain you want to forget, you don’t want it to hurt anyone else..you pretend, you ignore, you let it all go inside yourself..you want to protect yourself from getting hurt, you don’t want to cry. I understand..ive let out my feelings to maybe 2 people in this world and they both hurt me. So, I understand why you don’t show your friend your true self. It doesn’t change nothing..it just brings tears but it helps to just vent to people you don’t know or see everyday. Now that your friend knows, you can explain that to him.
Hey Kathy17,
Man do I know what you mean….but I just finished discussing this very topic with a new psych today. She straightened me right out….lol…she asked me if I really actually wanted to be able to make someone understand all of me….hmmmm….not so much….but what i did want was a little understanding….that it’s hard to be me…that i’m really doing okay considering…you know
My doctor says he wishes he could put a cast on my wound so that people would be a little more sympathetic and understanding….but alas he says they haven’t figured out how to put a cast on a broken soul….nice eh?….and that’s my MD.
So the paradox comes from not wanting to share my pain with others…not that there are any words that come close to describing the ache in my soul….but wanting some consideration at the same time….when I break and get the attention….it makes me uncomfortable….
I am an old lady….and I have found that the only one that wasn’t really caring for me was me…..always worried about everyone else….the enabler in all situations for sure….that being said….I know what caused my issues….do you?….always nice to know what you’re up against. I also do not look like any of my family members, nor to I think like them, nor am I really attached to them….have always felt other….since first memory….how about u?….when did this start for you?
Namaste
Amakua