Hey, I came across this page because I was feeling restless and depressed. Here’s a bit of a history of my life, so that you’ll be able to understand my personality and judge my behavior and situation better.
I feel that I’m being very intolerent, impatient, inconsiderate and selfish towards other people. I am 17 this year, and I haven’t been talking to my brother since I was 14 because I couldn’t stand him. I had a major exam back then, and I was tense. I was not very intellectual, and I studied hard for it. I didn’t have my own room, and, believe it or not, I am still sharing a room with my parents and my brother. I feel ashamed of even admitting it. Long story short, they just refused to let me even share a room with my brother. That’s fine, it’s something I’ve been coping with since my whole life, but then it was my exam year. Everyday without fail, I would be trying hard to concentrate, and somebody will walk through the door and make all the noise they can. Several times I lost my temper and literally kicked my brother out and locked the door. From that early chapter of my life I’ve develop a general dislike for noisiness and the liking for quietness and solitude. Anyway, after several more months of hard work and sweat and tears, I did quite well, 7As and 1B.Â
Fast foward a few years, I’m 16, which was last year. I had another major exam, the most important one that I’ll have to sit for. Pretty much the same thing happened all over again. The librarians in my schoo library were noisy, my home was noisy and I very nearly lost my mind. As you would have expected this exam is going to be much harder than the previous one. I worked hard again, with the aid of white noise and an endless list of self encouragement that seem feebler everytime, but I could tell I was losing the will to study and even to live already. And during the last day of the exam, I completely gave up. The results are due this March and I don’t even care anymore. At least, I thought, I don’t have to study anymore, all is well now, but I was so FUCKING wrong.
Long story short, I wanted to start tricking after my exam (it’s an extreme sport, to create an aesthetic blend of kicks, flips and twist) and was told that my grandmother and her caretaker is going to be at my house permanently (my uncles take turns to take her every weekend). My place is the only one between all my uncles that my grandmother’s room is upstairs, and since my grandmother is incapable of walking (twisted ankle) she has to be carried upstairs.  I don’t understand why it has to be my place. I feel that my uncle is being very selfish.  I pretty much don’t have any privacy anymore.
Anyway, to fill in some gaps, I’m Asian, 5 ft 3, scrawny, no girlfriend, no privacy, my mother’s a *****, I understand my father’s good intentions but he doesn’t understand and think I’m being unreasonable and I often lose my temper and end up frustrated. I have a cousin who I can relate to but she’s having some troubles and I don’t want to add on to her burden at the moment. All I ever wanted in the world is some privacy and my own room. I’ve decided to kill myself in about half a decade’s time, somewhere out of this disgusting country I live in. In the mean time, I will trick, to give myself a sense of actually accomplishing something.Â
Thank you so much to take the time to read, it means a lot to think that somebody actually cares. I realise my rantings may sound childish but yes, my ife sucks. I’ve been feeling down for an extremely long time and I feel a bit better telling somebody.
3 comments
I’m sorry to hear about all that. I wish I could help you. However, I just want you to know that people do care about the way you are feeling, as a lot of us here do. Never should you feel alone. You are not. We are here for you. If you wanna talk, please feel free to email me at farmerstrong13@hotmail.com. I’d love to talk to you.
hey! well i can definitley agree with the whole space situation… taht wiould suck, i have my own room, but no privacy… my dad even wwalks in on me when im in the shower. so i understand how u feel. i have exams this year as well, and i know how hard it can be to study for them, they are hard as fuck! where r u from in asia? maybe u can come to the USA and party with me! lol
well, the exam part i understand! and also the family issues! my grandfather lives with us, and i am the main one to take care of him! i just turned 18, and i’m going to college. i’ve been going since 15! it’s hard, and i want to give up alot of the time, but you gotta keep goin at it! if you wanna talk to me about anything at all, email me PLEASE! nic2053574@maricopa.edu!