attempt uno

I read Stories here all the time, because it reminds me that I’m not alone. Some people stories are way worse than man. I feel stupid complaining about how i want to die because i have low-self esteem. But i just do. It’s something i can’t help. Last night i had my first attempt. i took so many aspirins, and fell asleep so quickly, but woke up late this morning. And felt like shit this whole entire day. But i didn’t tell anyone of course, my eyes were so red and baggy, my stomach was killing me, and i had headaches, i felt dizzy. But then again, maybe i didn’t take enough? Tonight i will. I just think its better if I’m dead. i don’t know.

I Remember, when i was in 9th grade, i was hanging with the wrong crowd, they didn’t even like me, and i didn’t realize it until later. And on Halloween, they all lost their virginity, and i felt so left out, and i wasn’t ready for sex, but i told them i wanted to so i could fit in. and they were kind of the popular crowd, all the boys would come over to talk to them, but they’d never talked to me. it was like, i was invisible to them. Anyways, my friend told one of the boys, that i wanted to have sex on the phone. He didn’t know who i was, and when she told him my name, he said “The Ugly One!?” That kilt my confidence and everything else. The same day, I was walking through the hallway and this guy goes, “see, that’s what i mean, when girls have great bodies, But ugly ass faces.” None of these words, will never erase from my mind. They’re stuck there. they wont leave. 10th grade year this guy who was younger than me picked on me the whole bus ride. For no reason. he said i was ugly, i looked like a man, i sound like a man because i have a deep voice, he said “you’re not pretty.” he said he’ll get his girlfriend and his mom to beat the shit out of me. he said i have ugly hair, a big head, and everyone just laughed at me. i wanted to stand up for myself, but i don’t know how to. they even gave me a boy name. that day, i thought about suicide until this very day. 11th grade was the new girl, people hated me. the girls called me funny-looking, they all talked about me and stared everyday. i tried to think of  the as my “haters” but i thought, who would hate on me? you know? 12th grade (now) it’s just worse than ever. I want to talk to my counselor, i love her so much, but I’m just scared what she would think or say. But i just want to end it now. idk, if i wake up in the morning, then ill talk to her. sorry this is long.