“Enough is enough i can’t go on……”
I’m nearly fort-two, and suddenly i realized that if i was to die right now nobody would know. I have always felt this loneliness inside me since being a young child but until now i have never understood what lonely really was.
I’m going to end my life. I have tried several times before but failed in my attempts. I think if i try one more time i would get it right. I’ve searched the net every day looking for different ways to end it all, now i know i’ve been doing it all wrong. That’s why i keep failing.
I wake up each morning and say to myself, “just wait a little longer, things might get better.” The thoughts that go around my head may go away but they never do.
To be honest i’m so scared right now that i don’t know what’s going to become of me. I know i’m severely depressed…I don’t trust anyone, i feel so worthless, my emotions are all in turmoil…I feel the need to break objects in frenzy and at any moment i’m going to lose my mind or sanity… The last remaining part of my entity is pleading from somewhere deep inside of me. But i can’t hear it above the eternal commotion.
I sat on my bed and took the bottle of tablets from the bedside drawer. This was no ordinary bottle of tablets. This was my hari-kari cocktail of dozens of medication for a specific purpose. I’ve done it most of my life. Collecting tablets that is. This is my condition of sufferance. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (O C P D).
I couldn’t see the bottle through waterfalls of gushed tears. Nevertheless i managed to flip the lid and start cramming as many as i could into my mouth, and washed them down with a glass of white wine. The whole time praying to God, “Please someone come and help me.”
Detached from myself i rose from the bed and walked in a trance to the bathroom at the end of the unit. I turned the taps and run the bath. Then i went and got the glad wrap.
I undressed and slowly stepped into the bath full of boiling hot water. I slid down, my conscience being evaporating with the steam. Sobbing, I removed the glad wrap from it’s box.
“Warren, i’m so sorry”
With my left hand i held the glad wrap to the back of my head, and with my right, i wrapped the tube around my face and head. I immediately sucked a half breath, strangling the remaining air. I surrendered  and slipped lower until the water was above my ears. The water reverberated, the sound of my beating heart.
THUMP…THUMP…THUMP…
Thump…Thump…Thump………………………..
6 comments
hey…. i HOpe you are still alive to read this.. I want to know every single thing about u.. Because u seem lik you are alone.. Maybe we have some things in commmen. Its always easier talking to a stranger.. And if you are still alive i want you to know im proud of you. I proud that you made it through another attempt. I know that sounds crazy but that means theres one more person in this world still living even though they wanted to take there life… So please hold on a little longer.. talk to me.. if you need anything
schneiderang@apsfalcons.net
OMG Warren….I know this feeling….I attempted once when I was 23 in an extremely similiar manner…long story….but the latest….those are the things that brought me to SP in the first place….on my Dad’s birthday in December actually….and I haven’t attempted in over 10 years…and then in December…too much….I broke….I had never before chatted on a site like this…the kid tells me its called blogging and posting or some such….I had never learned how to e-mail properly and didn’t even have an e-mail account….but in a last desperate attempt to quit harming myself….I sat at my computer and googled suicide….and the rest is history….and they brought me around to myself again….a few times…lol
Would love to listen to your story or share mine or just send lots of love your way…let me know….I’m assuming you’re still here….I AM…lol…course we didn’t have PCs then and I didn’t know about the saran wrap. But I selfishly hope you were as unsuccessful as I was…although I did have a psychotic break just before that…due to trauma. What’s your story?
Namaste
Amakua
btw….i didn’t think no one would care if I died….I just didn’t care what anyone else would think….I had suffered a severe trauma…I couldn’t cope…I have just faced my abuser in the last 2 weeks and am now working on me again…the trauma went on for 29 years…there were 4 involved….but one became my family doctor…and he has continued to abuse me for the last 10 years…but has since apologized…but more…he validated me…and now i can start to heal again. Hope…got any left?…Just a little?
Really, the only person that matters is you, cause you’ll know. But you’ll just move on and out of your physical body. It’s important to know that all parts of your being need to be in agreement that, that is the route your going. Every death is suicide but society and the majority of the world view it as a negative thing. The universe doesn’t view things this way, it gives you what you want but you need to understand how you are creating your experience, so if a big part of you is unconscious in relationship you may want to research how to communicate with the universe. Then you’ll begin a process that teaches you something valuable about yourself and at the same time achieving your goal.
I learned a lot about my own thinking process in the way I was going about things…I didn’t want to hurt myself, I wanted to feel good. So, you may consider doing a little meditation and make a firm decision as to whether or not you want to live or transition.
It’s okay, both are okay…it’s life in a body or life in the non-physical whether or not you understand what that means. Whatever you’re wanting to achieve needs to make you feel good, happy, joyful….and the path most people take is one of negativity. I’m speaking from experience so no judgement here. We’re either motivated by fear or love for ourselves. When we’re motivated and have love filled intentions for doing what we’re doing we tend to be successful. Do some soul searching, some googling and you may find yourself feeling better about how you want to go about things…whatever it is you’re planning. Best of luck and grace to you.
I just want to tell you,I would care if you died. if you read this,please please please respond and let us know how your doing. I’ll pray for you,and I’m sending lots of love your way! I’m 19 now,but I went through a period in my life where i had moodswings a lot,and felt so so sad and desperate and hopeless sometimes,it seemed like death was the only way out.I would pray to die,because my life was in a really bad place,and it looked like there was no way things would ever get better. i wondered why my mom,who died at 27 and so desperately wanted to live,had to die,while I,who was 17 at the time,wanted nothing more than to die-but I didn’t,I just kept living. it seemed cruel to me,and I wished that I could give her my time instead,or give it to someone who I felt deserved it more than me. but I believe that we’re all here for a reason,and we have a certain amount of time,for a reason. we don’t understand-and it hurts like hell sometimes-i miss my mom everyday. but i know i’ll see her someday,and when i do,i want to tell her that her sacrifice for me-(keeping me instead of aborting me when she knew she would die from not getting cancer treatment) wasn’t for nothing. i want to live my life for her,as a testament to her,and spread her love to everyone.I think that’s the point. to help and love each other. i value life so much now…even if i don’t always value my own.(does that make sense?) if i can help you in anyway,i’m always here if you want to talk.(or if anyone does) i’ve carried this guilt with me a long time,feeling bad about feeling suicidal,and wondering why certain things have happened to me,and why bad things happen to good people. but i feel so strongly that purpose is to help others,and if by living,i get to help someone else not have to feel so much pain anymore,I want to choose that. i still have those moments where i feel helpless to the depression,but it helps me to reach out then to others and help them too. I don’t understand why we have to hurt in life,but i’m gonna use my pain to help someone else,i’m not going to waste it. does that make sense?
Thankyou.
to sum up(sorry i’m babbling,i just had to add a bit more:) suffering has taught me empathy. i’m not gonna let it get the best of me,esp. when i know there are other people out there who are hurting just as much,and probably more than me. i’m not gonna give in to it-i’m gonna fight. i hope that you’ll fight with me,because we’re all worth it. whether we can see it at the moment,or not.