“Enough is enough i can’t go on……”
I’m nearly fort-two, and suddenly i realized that if i was to die right now nobody would know. I have always felt this loneliness inside me since being a young child but until now i have never understood what lonely really was.
I’m going to end my life. I have tried several times before but failed in my attempts. I think if i try one more time i would get it right. I’ve searched the net every day looking for different ways to end it all, now i know i’ve been doing it all wrong. That’s why i keep failing.
I wake up each morning and say to myself, “just wait a little longer, things might get better.” The thoughts that go around my head may go away but they never do.
To be honest i’m so scared right now that i don’t know what’s going to become of me. I know i’m severely depressed…I don’t trust anyone, i feel so worthless, my emotions are all in turmoil…I feel the need to break objects in frenzy and at any moment i’m going to lose my mind or sanity… The last remaining part of my entity is pleading from somewhere deep inside of me. But i can’t hear it above the eternal commotion.
I sat on my bed and took the bottle of tablets from the bedside drawer. This was no ordinary bottle of tablets. This was my hari-kari cocktail of dozens of medication for a specific purpose. I’ve done it most of my life. Collecting tablets that is. This is my condition of sufferance. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (O C P D).
I couldn’t see the bottle through waterfalls of gushed tears. Nevertheless i managed to flip the lid and start cramming as many as i could into my mouth, and washed them down with a glass of white wine. The whole time praying to God, “Please someone come and help me.”
Detached from myself i rose from the bed and walked in a trance to the bathroom at the end of the unit. I turned the taps and run the bath. Then i went and got the glad wrap.
I undressed and slowly stepped into the bath full of boiling hot water. I slid down, my conscience being evaporating with the steam. Sobbing, I removed the glad wrap from it’s box.
“Warren, i’m so sorry”
With my left hand i held the glad wrap to the back of my head, and with my right, i wrapped the tube around my face and head. I immediately sucked a half breath, strangling the remaining air. I surrendered Â and slipped lower until the water was above my ears. The water reverberated, the sound of my beating heart.