Hello everyone. I’m female, 17 y.o. – actually i’m turning 18 in 2 days. This is my first post. I’ve read the posts in this site before, but it wasn’t until now i decided to write something. It’s not the first time i’ve been thinking about suicide, as you can tell. Since the age of 11 i’ve been depressed most of the time, and i think i’ve forgotten what “joy” even means. I’ve never gone too far in my attempts, i’ve stood on the edge countless times, i’ve tied so many nooses and climbed high building, and i’ve actually prayed, i’ve prayed day and night for God to spare me and end my pathetic life. Yes, generally i consider myself a believer (though i truly wish God doesn’t exist), and i know i’ll end up in hell if i kill myself. However, I wonder if this life is not a hell in itself… It seems like God is determined to make me suffer. Perhaps he enjoys it. I bet he’s laughing his ass off at my stupid complaints and “prayers”.
I’m utterly, completely, absolutely and wholly pathetic. I feel like less than nothing. I don’t even have the guts to kill myself. Imagine! The cowardice! Today i got real close. I tied the noose around my neck, but got scared of the pain again. This is my only problem. I don’t care about the value of life, and i don’t care if someone will miss me. Or if i’ll miss the so-called “best years in my life” (i’m so not looking forward to my birthday the day after tomorrow). The only reason i can’t and won’t kill myself is this pathetic, animalistic instinct to survive and a basic fear of a painful death. Do you have any tips on overcoming that? Do psychotropic drugs help, and which ones? I just need a little courage, a little push. I really wish someone could “do the job for me” and kill me.
I wish i had a better, less painful way to go. Unfortunately i’ve been kept under what’s almost house arrest for the past 3 years, and my access to almost anything is restricted. My family moved to a very conservative country in the Middle East, and i’m originally European. I just can’t adopt to this place; it’s been years and i still feel terrible here, i absolutely hate it. I have 0 friends and i have enormous stress in school. But there is no way out of this life. Here, there aren’t even any buildings above 3-4 stories, because it’s such a backward-ass Muslim society. No way to get a gun or poison. I can only try to hang myself, but i know it will hurt if i don’t manage to break my neck (which seems almost impossible). Try to hold your breath; after a minute you feel panic and you’re desperate for air. What will it be like to feel like that for half an hour?
I don’t know why i’m such a chicken… I’m a cutter as well, and i burn myself too… But this pain cannot compare to the agony someone would experience as they are dying. I don’t deserve your attention, but if you have a comment on your mind please share with me what you think of my story.
3 comments
Do your parents know about your feelings?? If they do then they will surely try and send you to some form of hospital. When I was your age it was a fantastic time in my life & you should be looking forward to all the new experiences that will happen to you. University, parties, love, travel and all that good stuff. Can`t you just finish school and move to a more liberal country.
There`s NO easy way to kill yourself and that`s why there are so many failed suicide attempts. What country are you in??
I’ve tried to explain to my parents, but i don’t think they take it seriously.. they are very pragmatic and believe the only excuse for you to seek medical help is if you’re vomiting blood or something. They have told me they just want a normal child and they tried to make me happy in any way they could. I feel guilty and bad whenever i’m sad; i don’t want to make them feel like they’re not doing enough for me. It’s not their fault, but they assume it is whenever i express my disappointment with life. I’m keeping pretty much to myself and rarely open to them, as i’m afraid not to hurt them or ruin their day with this pessimism. I live in Oman.. but i’m not certain things will get better even if i move; the place isn’t the problem, it’s me! At school and home i’m pressured to choose a career and a path in my life, but i don’t feel interested or passionate about anything. i’m afraid i will make the wrong choice about which country to go to after i graduate or what i will study in uni.
You could really do with a break from studying and go travelling for a year. During this period you will probably mature more and get to know what you want from life. In life we all make right & wrong choices every day. That`s how we learn. I really wish you well & hope you get over this small hurdle in your life.