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It’s been a full life

by imtemporary

When I say it’s been a “full” life, I definitely don’t mean it’s been a happy one. But I’ve accomplished a lot, experienced a lot, and now like a runner who’s exhausted and crippled from running so hard I’m going to stop.

Human society is anti-suicide. Everyone tells you it’s wrong, everyone tries to talk you out of it. That’s fine. But I really think suicide is a logical action when you no longer have a desire to live (a lot more logical than continuing to do something you don’t want to do).

I lost my desire to live a year ago when something horrible happened. I held on for a year hoping for a miracle, but life just got worse. People got crueller, life got colder, I got sicker, and the emptiness of existence got bigger.

Suicide is not always a choice. As with the exhausted runner who falls to the ground and can’t get up again, suicide is sometimes a predictable reaction to the pain and exhaustion of life. It just happens.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I suppose I thought it would make me feel better, but it feels just as pointless as anything else. I think it was Marx who said on his deathbed, “Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.”


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Moonlight 2/9/2012 - 7:53 am

If there is a reason to you stay alive, it is that you’re great writing.

imtemporary 2/9/2012 - 9:39 am

Thanks, Moonlight. That gave me a smile. When things hit rock bottom, writing is the only thing I can do to distract myself. It feels like I’m spouting gibberish though, and when I do make sense I doubt it’s anything the world would want to hear… just another freak ranting about how tragic the world is…

J Girl 2/9/2012 - 11:41 am

I have read so many posts this year, but yours is the first one that I have connected with. We speak the same tale. When that trajedy strikes, all disinigrates quickly doesn’t it? Everyone told me be strong, life isn’t fair, life is hard, you have to push on. For what? What magical day am I working so hard for? So that one day I can just learn to live with pain easier? I will only be here a few more days, so my finish line is in sight. I dont want to be another person to wish you the best, so I will just say I hope you find the peace you search for. I will be reunited with my love soon, and we will finally get that much needed rest together.

imtemporary 2/9/2012 - 1:06 pm

Hi J Girl, you said it… “What magical day am I working so hard for? So that one day I can just learn to live with pain easier?”

It sounds like we’re in the same boat. Or at least drowning in the same ocean. I was madly in love for 10 years. She died almost exactly a year ago.

Truth is, I don’t want the pain to go away. And I definitely don’t want to learn to live with it. The pain represents the greatest thing I ever had, and I never want to forget that. The thought of getting over it makes me sick.

I hope we both find our peace. I’m not sure if there’s an afterlife or if she’s waiting for me there, but she’s definitely not in this world. So it wouldn’t hurt to look elsewhere. Wouldn’t that be awesome if it’s true, we DO get reunited with our loved ones? Even if it means sharing nonexistence. Thanks for giving me that thought to hold on to.

J Girl 2/9/2012 - 4:57 pm

Hi imtemporary, I have much respect for your dedication. I know you loved her truly and deeply, and alas nothing will ever be the same. The damage is irreparable, believe me I have tried. Education, success and many great loves over the years would be a story that many would strive for. Everything changes when that one walks into your life doesn’t it? And to lose it after experiencing such deep love is pain that can not be described? My sweet love, what I wouldnt do for one more day with him…I only had one year, but we stole each other’s hearts from day one. While I was planning our future, he was silently tormented…and planning the end to his bifurcated life . It will be six months of his passing next week. He wanted his exit more than anything, life, love, and family. I am not angry, and selfishness would have never been an option had been discussed. Cherish those ten years, and believe in your dedication and current solitude. I also have gotten all the same speeches from friends, moving on, meeting someone new, that someone will love me just as much. I have watched as family and friends have moved on to their own lives and families, and I refuse to leave him behind. I will choose our existence together, and the destination can only follow.

MyTooSense 2/9/2012 - 7:42 pm

I want to set up hug clinics, kindness centers where we can go and be hugged and served warm milk or tea or a shot of vodka and wrapped in a blanket and our hair gently combed and have one wish granted. Each visit builds credits or debts and so some return and help return the care.

Then I want to move to a civilized country like denmark or the netherlands or france where their social services are so much more humane.

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