Hi.
I’m 23, I’ve been suicidal since I was 11. I don’t really know how it feels not to be depressed, I guess. Being this way has been its own vicious cycle. When I’m sad, I drive away the people I love. When I drive away the people I love, I feel worse. Then there is the other stuff, you know, letting people down just by being disappointing. Letting myself down too. I hate myself. I like to think that if suddenly some person came along and loved me unconditionally, it’d change things, but I know that isn’t true. I know what I am supposed to do: Let go of the past, love myself, and then the floodgates will open and in will pour the support and acceptance I’ve wanted since I was old enough to realize I didn’t have it.
Here’s what is getting me down these days
About two years ago I became really good friends with a group of girls online, people who I text-based roleplayed with. It started out the three of us, then became four. By a year ago I considered them my best friends. They were pretty much my tether to my sense of self-worth. Being around them was not only the highlight of my life, it was pretty much just like, my life. It was just awesome. I never laughed so much, I never felt so connected. I really felt like I belonged. I used to reflect on it, how great it was to have these friends that I felt so close to–lame, I know, but I totally did. I just felt like, this was it, my place in the world. Silly I guess.
I fucked it up, anyway. I got upset about some really stupid RP-related thing with the newest girl to come into the fold, and as a consequence another pretty much lost all respect for me and stopped caring entirely. Since she had started out as the friend in common for all of us and was sort of the focal point that kept us all talking regularly as a group (at least from my point of view), once she stopped caring, I just sort of stopped mattering. It was gradual, it took about three months to really become totally obvious that the situation was beyond repair. I started to get ignored more in group chats, not even invited the rest of the time, only talked to about RP stuff when it was necessary, etc. It was just like. Wow it was just the most fucking gutting experience I’ve had in recent memory, which I suppose makes me pretty lucky. I tried to sleep through each day as soon as I knew it wasn’t going to be the one to “change things”. If I got ignored then I just took a sleeping pill, went to bed, and hoped tomorrow would be different. It didn’t happen though. Eventually I realized trying to stay friends with them all was causing me more grief than separating myself would be. So that’s what I did.
It was my own fault. I’d probably already ruined it by weighing everyone down with my suicidal/depressed shit before that anyway, so maybe it was just one of the last straws. I’m sure by the end I wasn’t any fun to talk to. I can’t really blame her for not giving a shit about me. I only talk to one of them at all now and she’s got a great life going so there isn’t a lot of time–and I try not to purge all of my ludicrous self-loathing onto her, since it’s not her problem, and I’m fairly certain it hasn’t done me any favors in the past. I really miss them, and the group, and the feeling and whatever. Just the whole thing. It’s like this huge aching I can’t shake off. I really hate myself for fucking it up. Fuck. Sometimes I think about how it’d be if I could get ahold of some magical time traveling computer (lollamesthumanbeingalive) and get onto my IM a couple years ago and just talk to them again like before, and feel good again. Even briefly would be fine.
So that’s the major thing.
But there’s so much shit, I wouldn’t know where to start. I’ve driven so many people away. I’m nearly impossible to talk to when I get really depressed. Right now the guy I love is somewhere out there thinking about, I can only guess, how to tell me that we can’t work out as anything romantic because I’m too frustrating and a burden or what the fuck ever. I honestly can’t blame him. He’d be very right if he thought so.
So what it boils down to is that I want to die because I’m stuck. I’m in counseling and I’ve been trying for a really long time now to fix myself, and to see worth in me, and be less annoying and worth more and just a better person. I feel hopeless because there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop this. I feel like I will always be the thing that stands in my own way, and as such I will never get the sense of love and belonging I need so fucking badly. So I’ll just keep cycling around like a broken record, waiting for the momentum to run out.
Sorry this blog post sucks. I’m usually a better writer, I don’t know why I suck tonight.
10 comments
You sound so much much like me, it’s not even funny! Even your experiences. I hope knowing thier is someone sooo similar is helpful to you, I know it is to me!
It does help. Thank you <3
Hi Dashed,
I understand how you’re feeling because I too have been there. Unfortunately, one of the realities of life is that very few friendships last forever. Most of the people we ‘meet’ in life will eventually become lost to us. Sure, we can Facebook and whatever else but, really, once those people aren’t in regular contact with us, we inevitably drift apart and away from them. I know it’s not ideal that it ended how it did but, if you think about it honestly, at some point it would had to have come to an end anyway – I mean, I can’t imagine you all still playing together when you’re in your 80’s!
There is never an easy way to say goodbye to people you have enjoyed spending time with. I guess you just need to remember the fun times you had and be grateful for those, and not dwell too much on the sad way it ended. Besides, you managed to find that group to become friends with, so I’m sure you can find other people online or local to you to make friends with.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
I haven’t really been able to put myself out there properly since that happened. I don’t want to feel that shitty about losing somebody again, so I mostly recoil from serious friendships, and second-guess them into oblivion. We’re working on it in counseling, but I don’t feel very optimistic.
Welcome to our group people come and people go for different reasons here feel free to dump all your baggage here most can relate some dont but by and large sp is a safe place to vent
Thanks <3
i’m sorry man.. i totally smell where you’re coming from. depressed since 11, you’re stronger than i. i’ve only been feeling like a complete bastard for the past two.5 years or so. and i recently turned 22.
it makes it hard for me to hang around those people that i really want to confide in (and i want to confide in me) because i just don’t want to talk about my problems, they are mine! get your own.lol
so i don’t, and people just get further and further away for me. i have friends where hang out time is more “nothing”, so i suppose they are the “lucky” ones.
and i know the feeling of wanting to come along and love you unconditionally. but at the same time, no! i don’t deserve that, and i don’t want that to make me feel better. i don’t want to feel fake better. i actually want to be better.
yeeah, i know.. let go of the past. how the hell can i let go of the past. the past is who i am. if i delete whatever thoughts/ ideas from the past then what is left? not me. the past makes us who we are today, i think..
it’s not your birthday is it?
just fauck really. aside from driving my car, the only thing that really puts me in a decent mood is realizing how much of a failure i’ve become. and i guess attention from my girlfriends makes me feel good. but i don’t like that fact.
you’ve been very relateable dashed, good luck with your life:)
Thanks for your comment.
I don’t know if I’m strong. I’m just alive. It’s a sort of resigned living that I don’t find admirable or honest, in some ways. Like I’m just living because the alternative is risky to myself (potential to fail and end up worse off) and harmful to people who I love. Is that strength? I don’t know.
I’ve tried to commit suicide thrice (can’t let Conan down when the opportunity to say thrice arises) using methods pretty much sure to fail, as a teen. Now that I’m a bit more informed I realize that it would be pretty difficult for me to guarantee a successful suicide given my living situation, etc., and that has, for better or worse, been the defining factor in why I have yet to do anything.
I understand what you mean about feeling distant, I definitely do too. I haven’t been able to really connect with people for long bouts of time because of my emotional problems. In my case it’s because I know that they can’t do anything to help me, and talking about my problems tends to make them *want* to give me advice or say something to make it all better, but as we are all probably aware, the only thing that seems to make a modicum of difference is support *through* the bad feelings–not trying to smother them away. It’s a hard thing for people to grasp and so I have definitely felt the distance grow. People don’t want a downer in their lives, everyone has problems after all, and when they realize they can’t snap their fingers and make me feel better… eh, they usually don’t stick. It’s a hard thing to deal with, but not the hardest.
I don’t know how it’s possible to let go of the past. I guess the only version of that I could see myself doing would be eventually coming to terms with it, but until I feel like there’s enough positive in my present to outweigh the negative in my past I have a tough time imagining that improving. It’s definitely an identity for me, so I agree with you, I was telling someone earlier tonight that I can’t stop thinking about the past because it is who I am.
My birthday is in September so no, not today :). Still got a ways yet to go before the next one.
I do hope you’ll be able to get through your depression and come out of it feeling like a better person. You can’t be that huge of a bastard if you’re taking the time to write out thoughtful responses to suicidal people on a more or less anonymous blog, so. You have that going for you.
Hi dashed.
I just wanted to say I totally see where you’re coming from here. I had a similar experience with a girl I met on AIM, we were like best friends forever until last September, when I said something stupid on Facebook and she bitched out on me.
Also, you are quite relateable. Your life situation sounds incredibly similar to mine. And I know what it’s like to hear people say “Just cheer up already” when they have little to no actual clue what they’re talking about. In school, I had to do this thing where I was supposed to write down five good things about myself. I couldn’t even think of one.
My point being, despite not even having known about your existence until five minutes ago, I think you’re a wonderful person and you will probably find the strength to get out of this. I have faith. 🙂
Being a lot younger than you, I guess I don’t really know how you feel, and I shouldn’t claim to know where you’re coming from. Not enough life experience. But I think I understand what you mean. I spend a lot of time feeling empty, and bored with life, but last year, I got into a group conversation with a few friends, and it made me feel really happy. I loved coming home and being able to pick up my phone and just chat to people who were a little like me. I felt more at home with them then I should have, I guess. But after a while, it fell apart. My friend Alex, who was sort of the connecting factor, grew bored with the whole thing, so she stopped talking. When she stopped talking, the other people stopped too and it just kind of… ended.
So yeah, I wouldn’t say I understand how you feel, but I have a similar story, so maybe I can comprehend a little bit.