Life is better but I still want to hurt.

Things in my life are better than they’ve ever been. I can smile now. I like colours. But I still need to drink. I still feel insane with crazy thoughts, voices telling me how easy it is to die. I look around and see more ways of hurting myself. but I won’t do it, I know I won’t, so why do I still think about it? Why do I cling to the things that hurt me over and over, they’re familiar, yes, I’m good at hurting. Its my strength. I just answered my question a little lol…but how come I crave this one strength when I know that I am good at other things…to be honest I can excel at anything I try if I can be bothered…but nothing draws me in like chasing pain…why? why the fuck am I stuck chasing what hurts me most?? I’m stuck in this endless repetition: get better, be happy, snap out of it, drink, forget, hurt, hurt some more, tear at my skin, pass out drunk, wake up, get better etc.