I really don’t know how to start this, never done a post site. Kinda weirded out, but i know i need to share my story with people other than my friends and family.
I am 20 years old and ever since i was a little kid i have always told myself i will die young, to this day i still do. Never seen myself in the future passed age 25. Whenever my family and people ask me, ” where do you see yourself in 30 years, or 40 years? ” i just sit there and think should i tell them ” i see myself dead, never intended to live very long? ” but of course i go on and lie. Now, i am 20. I am getting asked that question way to often its killing me.
To start, I hardly ever share what im thinkin or my emotions with anyone. Not even my close friends, i don’t trust anyone and whatever someone knows about you. Could very easily be used against you or spread around. I do have friends. I guess i could say im popular, but i don’t talk much. I’m more of a deep thinker and say a few words, but people like me for my company. Just what i’ve been told. I do have low confidence and self esteem due to my stuttering, hard for me to get my point across sometimes. Most of the time i just don’t even bother to defend myself just go with the flow.
I see life differently than most, as most people do. I don’t like the fact that you have to be something or someone. Why can’t i just hangout and chill. I’m do have a great work ethnic, i get the job done at my job now and my previous jobs. Just don’t like how the world works. I know its a mysterious, beautiful, hellish type of life/world. I honestly don’t know what im talking about anymore so im just going to move on to something about myself..
I do lie quiet frequently and i am good at it, not saying everything above is a life, it is all true. I guess i feel more comfortable telling strangers about myself than my friends and family, especially my family. I will say, i am adopted and i don’t think i love my family the way i should. I normally shut them out of my life and don’t tell them anything. And when they try to snoop around and gather information about me, i get weirded out, frustrated, and angry. They would do anything for me, but i don’t take it to consideration, i know im an asshole and its very sad. I have never in my life opened up about myself like this its crazy, but i have to let you guys and girls know stuff about me.
I have recently got in trouble with the law over bullshit, not going to say anything about it. But now since there is a chance that i might serve some year time. I am thinking about suicide a lot more often before the court date which is going to be this summer of 2012. I have literally disconnected myself with my friends for good reasons. And now im just feeling hella depressed. You may wonder why i did if it made me happy to be with them, if you understood my legal situation then you will understand why i did so, but i will not say anything about that… yet. I am not afraid to die, just afraid of pain. I don’t think it would be safe to have a gun around me because i know that would be easy, fast, and  painless. I guess i am a coward, kinda have always been too. I quit everything i do such as school, activities, and trying to move forward. Like i said before, i have low confidence in myself and self-esteem. I just really wish the law would see my innocence because i had nothing to do with it. Just hate the fact that the law has to work the way it does, it is not fair.  Every damn day since it happened, i just wanted to kill myself even more. I got close with a kitchen knife to my wrist, but i stopped. Kept on thinking about the pain it would cause.
That is it for now, i guess you can judge, throw back some comments, and let me know what i should do. But as of right now, im hella depressed, don’t see the light in anything, and contemplating to commit suicide soon..
5 comments
Sounds like me! but stay open to people. You don’t have anything to hide and you’re a competent person. My only advice would be don’t do anything stupid when you’re depressed. I wanted to die so badly two weeks ago but now that I made it through the depression (for this short period of time I KNow) I’m doing pretty good. fyi there are painless ways to go out ha. I had a gun and knife in mind until I learned other wise ;p But hell I’m not suicidal “Right now. But I thought the same damn way, Same way. Like not telling them that I wasn’t planning on living that long and whatnot. Keep searching for that light in life and you’ll start caring about living. Write back if you see this msg pls. And I’m sorry you’re getting screwed with that legal shit, not cool. Hang in there if you can though!
Hey I related to pretty much how you feel. Been there done that. Feel free to email me if you want some support – pauld891 at gmail dot com You sound like an Indigo or a sensitive….intuitive. For now go easy on yourself, be gentle with you…I find that helps me the most, cause it always feels like I always have my back and it feels safer.
Take care
Its just really confusing as of right now, thanks for reading and commenting back. It does help to have that support. I just feel weird opening up to people, even though many people come to me to open up because i do sit there and listen to what they have to say. I just really hate the law and how it works. I’ve thought of many ways to end myself. Write a letter complaining about the law and how it made me like this then end myself. To have them recognize. Maybe that is a very stupid way, probably is. But damn I just have no idea what is going on. Last time I’ve seen any of my friends was about a month ago. None of them actually bother to hit me up and see me, but then i learned that’s just where i stand. Feels like i have done so much for them and haven’t gotten any respect back, but that’s okay. I’ll keep reporting back here. I’m just clueless as of right now.
Just because of what happened, made me very paranoid of cops, cars behind me, and every night i relive the night i got arrested. Straight fucked me up. Its not healthy, i feel like every time i see a cop in daily life i freak out and my heart pounds hard and fast as if i was on some serious drugs. Maybe i need to see someone for that or maybe i am over reacting. I try to calm myself down, but it doesnt really help. If i end up doing 1-2 time in state prison, i will probably just say fuck it and end it. because i am not going to be put away for being innocent.
To softsoul, i guess i have always tried to find out what personality or whatever i have. Indigo and highly sensitive does describe me for the most part.
@ hanginon…your own worry will create more problems for you…worry is about the future..so you see a cop, make it a friendly thing for yourself…just imagine it that way. You best find ways to use your mind that are in service of you. Yes you are a sensitive as people feel they can trust you with their stuff. It’s a gift. So trust that. Being on the planet is interesting and presents opportunistic challenges for us like minded, wired people. I look back on past experiences on things I created in order to strengthen me…everything in life happens in order to show you the universe has your back…seems counter intuitive but that’s how it goes…Next time you see a cop, say hi…say thank-you…whatever. It’s about you making yourself more comfortable and look back on it as a positive thing. Whatever we want to look for, we will attract and find. So this nonsense about being locked up….I can’t count nor do I remember how many times I could have been locked up…but when you begin to see the purpose and how it’s their to shed light on your journey you’ll learn to lighten up…seriously, lighten up…life is not that serious or you certainly have no need to take yourself so seriously, be gentle and kind with yourself. May seem wimpy, but the empowerment in that approach is awesome and will shift your own relationship with yourself. Check out HSP…highly sensitive people. You may discover things about yourself and learn a more effective way to navigate your radar that indicates and shows you more than most people. It’s all good. Keep your head up, smile for the sake of smiling and know you’re good…like they say in the movie Swingers…’You’re so f’n money…you’re so money…relax…Focus on how you want to feel only…that’s it. Say to yourself ‘nothing is more important than that I feel good’…the knowing what to do and the gaps will fill themselves in…it’s a matter of you choosing to let go and trust that in letting go, you allow things to flow a little easier for you…you have my email. Cheers! Instead of hanginon, just hangout…lol. You go bros! Accentuate the positive in your life…everything, be grateful for it..and watch your world change because you intend it to…