next to nothing.

I wonder if terms such as “soulmates” and other stuff like that exist. To tell you the truth, I don’t believe in it, at least not anymore.

There are happy couples at school, outside of school. These couples live in a world of their own, a world filled with bliss, ignorant of reality, and the reality is the image these couples are portraying to the public. They’re making it look easy to find love, but it’s no easy feat.

My track record at love is horrible. I guess you could use “one-sided” as the best word for that. I gave all the love I could give, what did it get me? Absofuckinglutely nothing. Not a day goes by that I don’t grow envious of the happy couples around me, finding desparation within myself. If people who have worse personalities, who are essentially worse people than me find love, why can’t I? Do I need to get back to my old self? Seeing as I’m winning no hearts with my “current self”, the ever-lovable, carefree, happy-go-lucky me. Girls like bad boys. I can be bad if they want to. The most evil son of a ***** they can ever want. *wink* Bursts of rage? Check. Desire for inflicting pain to others? Can be worked on. I used to slit my wrists. I can be the “bad boy” girls want, problem is they’ll regret seeing the nightmare love had turned me into.

And when girls complain of boys breaking their hearts? Where does that leave the **** guys?. It makes me sick to my stomach. It’s unbearable. It’s just plain laughable that these pieces of shit break delicate hearts, WHEN THOSE GIRLS THEMSELVES FAIL TO RECOGNIZE THAT GOOD GUYS WILL NEVER HURT THEM. They even reject the good guys! What the hell? Can you explain that? Where the fuck is the logic in that? Girls, wake up. You can’t get a bad boy who doesn’t break your heart, the logic there is fucking flawed.

Do I have to let my hair grow and wax it out? Do I have to wear all these cool clothes? Do I have to wear those stupid caps turned sideways? Do I have to go on with the rest of the male youth to get noticed? Cause being me just doesn’t work in this world, does it? Who’s a girl that’ll fall in love with me when say I’m weird? When they laugh at my “childish hobbies” like collecting comics? What does a girl actually want, for fuck’s sake?

Girls say they want someone different, unique, someone good-hearted, good-natured, someone who’ll love them for who they are.

Jazlyn told me that, yet where did I end up?

She was a woman I loved and gave everything to. But she took me for granted, she never realized my worth. She was a whore. Six hours after she left me, she was now with another. And to think she was my frst love, a whore. I am so fucking disgusted with myself

She left me a hole in my heart, which safe to say, won’t be filled by someone as deceptive and as crafty like her ever again. I won’t let myself be fooled ever again.

I have family, friends. But that’s not the love I’m currently craving for. I want this hole filled up. And I have to change who I am, I’ll do that.

I want someone to make me feel special, and I’ll make her feel special just the same. I’ll be the best boy I can be. I’ll make her the princess of my world, a million times more I did with the others that have left me. But does she even exist?

So, “soooooulmate”, if you even exist, I hope you get to read this years and years from now, and see how emo I was without your influence. Or if I die first, then you’ll never know. I’m numb right now. I’m alone, sitting next to nothing.