I don’t know how I ended up here. Im drunk. like I always am at night. I think I’ve been on this site before but I dont remember… I need to hurt. To get it out. I used to cut myself every hour exactly it wouldnt work if it was any later than that so I’d end up cutting enough to make up for lost time but I can’t now, I met someone. No. I love someone. He saved me from the worst but he can’t save me when he’s not here so I do the most damage without actually cutting anymore cos I promised him I wouldnt.. I want to so bad.. I think of the skin breaking and that first rush of blood to the wound and I feel relaxed instantly. I guess that’s why I wrote this. God it feels amazing. but I refuse to cut. its been over a year since the last time I did and the scar is my favourite part of myself.. Does anyone else have this attachment to their scars? This is a question by the way, so please reply. And sorry that I’m not suicidal completely, this is the part of me thats holding on purely for the sake of making the person I love smile. If I lost him then I’d quite honestly be back to killing myself. RIP suicide, til we meet again xoxo and thank you for being my friend when I had no one. You kept me real, and strong, and alive. I’m sure we’ll be together soon, if all else fail..
Infektious.
xo
4 comments
welcome by any chance are you irish? i once tried to make someone stop cutting but that didnt really work out. as for an attachment to scars odly i hate the minny ones i have from cutting but love the ones i from burning, so much so ive got two under my thumb on my left hand for the craic. what started u cutting? is it just cutting you cant do or all types of self harm?
No I certainly don’t have an attachment to my scars. When I was little I would stay at my grandparents because my parents had to work. Although they loved me very much they didn’t really pay much attention to what I was doing because I never learnt how to speak punjabi.
Anyway I used to love sliding down the stairs on my bum. I don’t know whether any of you guys used to like doing that. Unfortunately for me there was a radiator at the bottom of the stairs. This one time I really decided to go for it, a super sliding jump and hit my head off the radiator. Blood was gushing out of my head all over the place and I had to have stitches. I still have a scar but people only notice it up close.
I’m so clumsy, once I even got my foot caught in a cattle grid, fell over and broke my nose. I was stuck for ages until a farmer came and rescued me but that’s another story.
I could have been anything if it wasn’t for my facial defects, like an actor or musician if I could play an instrument. I can play the recorder (hot cross buns) and triangle though. Just look at Noel Edmonds, no talent at all, I could have been a tv presenter instead of him.
Anyway, try to stay strong and even when you feel like releasing the stress through cutting don’t. Go out and stay around people. That way you won’t have the opportunity to do it. There are a few of us on this site who are good listeners.
I havnt been through what you have but there are certainly people on here who are/have. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. It’s not your fault and it’s very common. We hurt ourselves not others.
To Porcel: No I’m not Irish, not completely anyway. I’m from New Zealand, and it would seem that my bloodline consists almost every race on earth. I don’t remember the first time I started cutting myself. I know it was around the age of 11. And I’ve tried cutting, burning with water and lighters, starving myself (I still enjoy the feeling of being empty so I do that every now and then when no one’s around to notice), Excessive amounts of alcohol, pills, drugs, pulling at my hair, pushing needles into my arms and legs and irritating them during the day, biting the inside of my cheeks and through my tongue and keeping the wound open so it stings and bleeds constantly, hitting my wrists, ankles, and arms against things til they bruise or skin splits, I used to purposely not warm up before any sprints or hurdles training or competitions so my muscles would tear and become inflamed. those are just to name a few…I pretty much crave the pain…
To Duke of MArmalade: Thank you for your comment, it made me smile slightly and after reading that and the other posts on this site I feel less alone and insane. So thank you, and anyone who contributes to this site, it really does help.
… wow .. omg i just cant belive it i do the same myself!! :O i used to cut all the timee!! but ive stoped for someone (L) he was my world my reason of living i loved him so much!! but then something happened and … we stop seeing each other… he still goes to my school and i hate myself for what ive done.. i see him everyday so what i do is i get drunk everynight or i take drugs.. Istoped cutting cause i really want to end my life and i know that if i miss my shot, i will get juged so i dont do it anymore… instead i skrew my brain 😛 …