no, i myself am not suicidal. although, i have stared at items and things that i could use to end my life and have thought through a scenario as if i had injured or killed myself. i’ve never shared any of this on the internet. only one person knows i have had slight thoughts to kill myself. but lets get to why i’m here. i’m here because i’m hurt. i can’t take the emotional pain anymore.
about 8 years ago, my father killed himself. i was about 8 years old. my sister was about 2 or 3 so she doesnt really remember and is not effected much by it. i have one more sibling. my brother, we only had the same dad so he stayed on weekends and such. but after my father died we slowly drifted apart and stopped speaking altogether.
i remember waking up turning to my clock to see i was late for school. confused, i walked to the living room to see just about everyone who lived around me at my house. i sat on my mothers friends lap when they told me. my father died. i later figured out he had, walked outside sometime in the early morning or late night and shot himself in the head. i cried so much that day. that day my mom’s sister came and brought us to here house. we were living in Louisiana and she lived in mississippi. i remember going to his wake and walking half way to his casket and turning around with tears flooding my ears. that is when it hit me. i cried the entire day.
years passed i slowly became somewhat okay. then this past may my brother died. he got in a motorcycle accident… i went to his wake cried for what seemed like forever. he looked so much like my father.
and now we get to today. i thought i was okay. i thought maybe i was hurting because i thought about them. but even as i tried to stay preoccupied it stays. i’ve cried myself after waking up in the middle of the night for almost a week straight. i don’t know what to do. i only really confide with my boyfriend about this. but i even hide my extremeness of how bad off i actually am from him. i don’t want people to get bored with my problems.
i have this constant urge to cry. i feel so alone, even though i know i’m not.
just please tell me this is normal or i’m not the only one.
4 comments
So very sorry you lost two people and from what you’ve said you’ve got a bit of a split family. I was lucky not to know my dad who committed suicide and stil sometimes I think what the hell? What if he’d stuck around? I feel like he bailed and it pisses me off sometimes.
Grieving is sooo normal. It would be weird if you didn’t care. People show their pain in different ways though. And there are stages of grieving…denial, shock, bargaining, anger, acceptance: those are just off the top of my head. Those stages return again and again for various times and reasons and not always in order.
Bored? We aren’t put on this Earth just to entertain one another. We are also here to comfort one another. Sometimes in our pain we do remind others of pain they don’t feel they can or want to notice.
If you brood or sulk too long its good to see if there is something you’re getting from tthat – like attention from folks who give you no attention otherwise. But if there isn’t something like that going on maybe find others who are sad about loss and can be open about it.
i vaguely remember my dad. i was to young to remember. but he was in my life. and so many have told me that my brother, my sister, and i were everything to him. but i tend to feel he bailed as well. like as if i wasnt a good enough reason to stay here. i have 2 things left of him, a necklace he wore everyday when he was about 10 and a picture. i can’t look at either with out crying my eyes out. i feel immature at being 17 and handling it this way….
thank you by the way for responding.
twitchyy,
While I was reading your story, I had to control that tap in my eyes not letting a single drip getting out.
Sometimes, it’s not a parent capable enough to show you the way, but it’s you a child a younger one to show instead !
They needed guideline but of nowhere to turn to. Now it has become your turn to endure that what they’ve been all going through !
It’s love, lacking, latent deep within, that crying out loud !
Noone, absolutely noone physically on earth, has any utter right to demand life of another to stick with.
It’s only greed of possession that commands ! As each has his own choice.
Even worthiness of one’s fleshly-composed, commanding not surmounting love of others to stay.
Though fate might sometimes compromise, still, as time comes, the moment to leave, has to leave.
What’s gained, we deem, just a blessing.
What’s lost, though we cried, not soon enough we learn, when we smile after that, it’s already a huge experience so learned.
Family bereaved, friends’ departure, birth, disease, death, downrightly lessons we can’t escape.
Yes, we are all made handicapped in some ways, or until we’re content of what we already have will our genuineness be fully embraced.
From there we begin to understand, the meaning of gratitude, and what’s love, ultimately !
I hope the following words can strike into your heart solidly, please read it slowly.
Worries go, I’m letting go.
What’s done is done.
Regret not to my past.
We chose and we did, right or wrong, is never the issue anyhow, now.
Just keep on, keeping on, as to learn.
One path ends, is another road to go.
Worries infect, all, ourself and others, to nowhere leading till kingdom comes.
Attach not, the worrying pot. Pour it out ! All that out !
We’re strong, and we fear not. Standing tall, here, I forgive, forgive all.
Emptied I am, here it comes, it is love, I SEE LOVE !
No matter what, you’re still the lovely daughter the lovely sister, do remember that !