Ugly

like hamlet begging that his mortal coil be released this living in skin thing can be hell on earth. Lets set up hug clinics where folks can go to get hugs and tea and pet puppies and have blankets wrapped around their shoulders and their hair combed. I wonder if you would want to cut yourself if you were doin a stint at the cuddle clinic and then followed it up with doing something that you feel good inside doing. Yell at that knife and tell it to go screw itself how dare it rip into your life and deny you the permission to live.

To your honesty is beautiful (formerly disguised as “Ugly”)
I know it sucks that people understand and respond so well to a broken leg, to horrific car accidents etc and yet the despair of the emotionally injured is subjected to more not less neglect. That is the time we live in, at least many of us.

Physical pain releases natural endorphins, pain killers. I am sure someday it will be realized if society doesn’t kill itself first, that the endorphins for emotional, especially social pain, are other people. There are no sustainable substitutes. Exercise helps a bit but even the motivation and capacity to do that is largely a matter of socialization. Sounds sappy but nothing but good strong healthy love relieves the pain of a lack there of.

if you were loved well and thoroughly by others as you should be, as we all should be, your pain would lessen naturally like a wound heals ‘itself’ once the environment supports or at least doesn’t hinder it doing so.

If you have loved someone who invaded your body, pirated it then perhaps your cutting is like a sacrifice at the altar of someone you worshiped? If only you suffer enough they will be satisfied and love you for it? If so, the hell with them for now…they have their own wound and you are not healing it nor yours this way.

I don’t believe in God but it would take one to be the sole source of easing another’s pain. Love can heal a thousand wounds. Great as you are you are neither the embodiment of all love nor are you God. So let love do its work and to do that you have to find it or grow it, in places you’ve over looked and from seeds too tiny to see.

The fact that you helped him ironically makes you a powerful figure in his life and perhaps too powerful for now. We go through stages of dependence and independence on our way to interdependence and he may need to let go to grow or stagnate – no matter you need love so go get it and grow it in better soil.

Yeah IT would liberate you from a future that can have tremendous moments of joy you likely haven’t even dreamed of.

The fact that you are angry is great… at him not so much but angry in general…any mortal who isn’t angry is lying to themselves. The happiest ones channel their anger as a source of power into something that connects them with many people not just one person.

I can tell you that someone I’ve loved and lost has come back into my life unexpectedly years later and appreciates the support I gave and is supporting me now. He is married and has a wonderful family and I am jealous as hell but I am accepting the support for what it is …. a tiny bit of what I need. I was in my 30’s when I met him and haven’t spoken much in the past 10 years but in the last month his support has kept me from the noose more than once and I even found that annoying as it seems like a tease but I’m slogging on and for the moment grateful. I am using his support to try for a job that would be good for me so I gotta go now and get on with it. I guess love is a bridge or a sail when it cannot be a destination or an anchor.

You have a beautiful spirit so take good care of it.
trial and error is just a way we learn. go slower next time perhaps? now you know to check to see how well the other person knows what they want but it is never a sure thing. Sounds like you misunderstood him. I’ve learned the hard way that when someone, myself included, is going through a rough patch often they aren’t clear about much at all. No matter it simply sucks when someone doesn’t love us back.

You may someday make the same mistake as he did but if he really did consciously use you just to get at someone else then he is messed up, too messed up for you. Maybe just let yourself feel broken and know you’ll get through it? Do nicer things for yourself than he ever could.