There is so much I want to say but so little words that could describe how I feel (and have been feeling for the past few years.) The ones that immediately come to mind include: Tired, apathetic, and hopeless.
I am generally thought of as a happy person because I am always seen smiling whether I’m at work or at school. It’s even to the point that people always laugh at me for smiling so much. The truth is I hate it. I hate smiling, I hate laughing because I just don’t want to. Why should I have to anyways? Â My school life is a mess because I’m doing just awful and what’s worse is that my “friends” are some of the highest ranked in the school. I try so hard to study but I just can’t find the time because of my job. If I could, I would quit in a heartbeat. Unfortunately I am from a low-income family so I have to help my mom out. What’s worse is that most of the people at my job are men. Perverted old men who look at me as if I’m prey. A little known fact about me is that I hate a lot of men. This stems from the fact I was sexually abused as a very young child. So imagine yourself in my position in which you are paralyzed from within.
My home life is also a mess. As I’ve said before, I come from a low-income family. When I was around 8 my dad divorced my mom whilst she was a housewife. Because of this we’ve had to move around tons because It was very difficult for her to find work. Nowadays she has found a moderate paying job, but such is not an efficient amount to pay for our apartment. So now she has to depend on her boyfriend. A controlling psychopath. I’m not going to go into too much detail about this but let’s just say he controls every aspect of my life even though he is not even my father. (He doesn’t believe in marriage and my mom secretly doesn’t like him either but has to bear with him because he pays for everything.)
The last topic I’m going to go into is my “friends.” Sure they’re people I could casually talk to about school and such but other then that, there’s not much else to it. If I want to hang out with them I usually have to beg them or pay for them with the small amount of money I have. That’s not friendship. Having to give so much to people who don’t really give a sh*t about you isn’t what I want. In fact it’s so tiring.
All of these factors cause me to be the way I am. I’m not usually a very hateful person but there are certain circumstances where I am. I’m just so tired of living like this. I’m sad all the time and there is nothing that could make me happy. To be content is the least I’m asking for. And because I’m so tired of it..I just want to end it all. I can only try to think of a full-proof way to lay in peace but if anyone knows how to (with a limited amount of resources) please help!
*I’m sorry for my complaining…I just wanted to let it out..
2 comments
tell you friends that you want to be actual friends and not just a mooch-pal (person who pays for everything in a group). If they dont want to be friends after that then you dont need them they were assholes anyways.
Also I find that creepy old men are equally weak in character so just turning to them and blunting asking them to stop fantasizing about you, usually infront of someone else like a customer or something will usually do the trick. Gotta remember that pediphiles and rapists are not stong people, thier weak and broken.
I grew up with a step father who was a pyschological bully as well. A controlling asshole who focus all his time and energy on making us miserable and afraid. He now is homeless and addicted to drugs. People make like that make thier own misery so in the end i felt sorry for him becuase as much as he tortured me, in the end his life was consumed by his own hatred. In my experience it usually goes this way for those who prefer to surround themselves with misery and hate. Just remember that he wont be there forever.
If it ends up that your friends dump you, and you have no one to rant to then just rant to me, i dont really care and reading peoples stuff helps me not focus on my own problems. Suicide is for people are not just hopeless but also don’t care. From your impassionate message you obviously do care about things still so your not there yet. I feel hopeless everyday, but i still care for everyone in this world so I am going to carry on for there sakes not mine
i’m so sorry.:( i can relate..mine was a stepmother who made my life a living hell.:( i had to deal with her for 6 years,but then it was over. hang in there! don’t let him take away your life too!! it’ll get better someday,you’ll be free of him. about the gross men leering at you,(ick,i’m so sorry…i’ve been there too.) you have every right to tell them they are making you uncomfortable. that’s sexual harrassment!! are they your bosses or co-workers?if they are customers though,just be careful not to get in trouble with your boss. is there anyway you could find another job somewhere else? i know work is hard to find right now but you deserve to work somewhere where you feel comfortable. hang in there. you can talk to all of us,we’re good listeners.:)