Everything backwards and upside down

Expressing myself on here has been really helpful.  I am able to get this all out.  And maybe if I do go, there will be a record of my thoughts and feelings, explaining.  I don’t write good suicide notes.  They always come out with apologies and don’t blame each other’s and whatever else comes to mind.  But here, I can let the words flow and I can talk to people who understand.  I really don’t want to die.  And hopefully that will be enough to live.  But right here and right now I don’t know whether I can stop myself.  So I am pouring my heart out so you can read and get to know me.  I’m not the type of girl to do this.  It’s not something you’d expect.  But when you see the cuts on my arms and legs, the truths in my eyes just look like lies.  I can’t be trusted because I can’t trust myself.  And I swear and I promise to my doctors that I am okay, that I can handle it…but how well am I handling this?  Not so grand.  At least you are here and I am here and nothing has happened to us yet.  I just wish my mind, body, and soul could co-align and I could live a life to be proud of.  I’m not proud of the way I am living right now.  Everything is backwards and upside down.