Forgetting how to breathe..

I started with the self-harm. It went to one to another.  With bobby pins turned into thirteen. I was put in the hospital. But that’s only the middle not the end and not the beginning. I won’t sugar coat this because it isn’t easy to get over it and it is hard to live with the consequences but there are reasons for all of us to be here.

2 years ago is when this started i’m not going into detail but i saw my uncle for the first time in 8 years. He molested me when i was 3. Sick and wrong. Yes. I live with that. Anyways; i saw him at a family party ; we didn’t know he was going to be there. The flashbacks attacked me from wall to wall and corner to ceiling. I felt dead and lost. I felt weird and awkwardly sad. I really didn’t know why or when these feelings entered me. Not until a couple of months ago. Back to this. I tried paper cuts and burning and i felt good. One night my mom and i got into a fight and i was crying. I was holding i think it was a knife when i dropped it and was bleeding a little not a lot just a little. She pulled me outside. We were both in tears. I was telling her everything. I was brought to a hospital and put into outpatient groups. I did my first real self-injury January 27th of last 2010. I thought i was better. It took one guy to bring all of my sadness and pain back. He threatened to rape and kill me. I had no clue what to do. I took the bobby pin from my hair at midnight and harmed myself. 13 bad infected cuts too. I was hospitalized for 13 days. See i survived. Months went by with several bad attempts at suicide no one knows about. The end of July i was harming again.

My mom found out at my Uncles softball game. They took me to the hospital with 4 little lines i was there for 4 days. a month went by and school started during that month. Everything was going great until i was scared of everyone. That day i was raped. I made atleast 50 deep marks on my arm. i was picked on at school for them my cuts and my scars. It started to get worst. I’d be doing it all the time. By November i was scarred. Bad from my shoulders to my ankles scars are in places. Late October i did it i blew it. I told my counselor and showed her my cuts. a couple of them were sewn because they were my attempts. I survived to tell you my story.

I am telling you this because i want you to know you are not alone. You are beautiful and don’t doubt it even on your worst day. You can beat anything if you just try. Come to me if you need help and support okay? Go ahead comment and talk to me I’m always open for coversation.<3