I feel infinite

I’m crying reading this because I was about ready to kill myself. I have the noose in my closet. I was going to binge and purge one last time and call it quits. I texted my boyfriend and told him that I will love him no matter what. Then I find this site. Was going to post my final goodbye… and then I stumble upon your post which feels like a parellel universe… because that quote from Charlie is something that I base my life upon.

When you really think of the word, “infinite”, it is truley amazing, for it defines being limitiless and boundless… no end. Eternal possibilites… just ongoing. We are ongoing. Going where? I don’t know. And sometimes where we’re going really feels like hell… But if we infinitley live, we are living a limitless and boundless life, enabling us to go anywhere.

I feel you on never feeling that one of those “infinite” moments will never occur again. I understand fully what it is like to have no hope left… to have lost everything. To be pondering death more than you are pondering your current life. I am there now. This is a really difficult place to get yourself out of… I have tried to commit suicide multiple times. A few times, I saw the “dark light”, as a faded out, as well as the “white light”… which I like to interpret as “heaven or hell” (the white meaning heaven, the dark meaning hell). I am not very religous, even though many people tell me that I need to let God into my life. I really donnot know if there is a God. I am very happy for the people who have found their higher power. I do believe that something is up there, I just don’t know what yet. And this uncertainty causes me to refrain from any form of serious relgious practice.

And I can also relate to being incredibly alone. I really donnot have any friends. I have a boyfriend that I am deeply inlove with, but he really doesn’t understand my eating disorder, or being depressed, or having bipolar, or cutting yourself. He says that he is always there for me, but then I tell him that I’m struggling and he justs says “I’m sorry babe”, when I wish that he would be rushing over to come and be with me. But that is unrealisitic- I cannot expect someone to be there for all of my problems, because they have their own lives. And I don’t want to base our relationship soley upon my instabiliites.

The friends that I used to have are garbage and no good for me. They have hurt me very badly. All they want to do is fuck me or get fucked up with me, and that is deffinetly not the definition of a friend. I hung out with them until I almost lost my boyfriend due to the stupidity of my behaviors that would surface while hanging around them. So I really have no one, because my family is sick of me.

I have been in and out of treatment centers for my eating disorder countless times… in and out of hospitals because my body was ready to give out… psych wards galore. It saddnes me because I think I’ve allowed my weaknesses to consume me. I had a job in December that I was very good at, but it made me extremely anxious and depressed, to the point of a relapse, so I quit. I had another job just in February that I was extremely good at, but again, the same pattern ensued, so I quit. I am not in school this semester because of having to be in treatment. And I am scared to go back. Because it seems like everytime I have a commitment, I panic and faulter. I’m trying to make something of myself now, but try to do everything at once, because I donnot know where to start. So I get really overwhelmed and just shut down.

So here I am. No friends, no job, no school. Just me, myself, my insanity, and I. You sound like a really wonderful person now, and I would love to get to know you. Maybe we could help eachother, and maybe we could be eachother’s “go to” person… Please email me anytime because like I said, I would love to get to know you/be there for you. I hope that this message finds you well. I hope that the days ahead will find you well. Much peace to you…

Oh, by the way, here is my email address… jabeck@student.ysu.edu. If you like, I could email you my cell number even so we can talk/text eachother. I’m sorry that I rambled, and I’m sorry if this all sounds creepy, but I think that this post was meant for me to find…