“And I swear at that moment, we were infinite”
Is my favorite quote from my favorite book Perks of being a wallflower.
I must have read that book a thousand times, it always use to help me when I felt down, and I had a lot of favorite quotes from the book, that’s my absolute favorite, because I think we’ve all felt infinite at one point or another.
One time I felt like that, is on Halloween when I was really little and I was trick or treating, and I saw the moon and it was big and full and I couldn’t stop staring at it because I thought it was perfect, the full moon on Halloween. And it made me so happy. Now, that little thing wouldn’t make me happy or bother me at all, it really wouldn’t have an effect on me. But at the time, it was really nice.
Like, when I use to go to the museum of Natural history a lot with my mom. I was also really young, and everything seems so huge at that age. But now if I go back, and I see everything it wouldn’t have an effect on me. I would know it was amazing, but I really wouldn’t care anymore if that makes sense.
Now, I sit alone and I think about death a lot. I told my mom I was feeling suicidal and she was angry, but I know she meant well. She also cried once. There are many things that happened this year that I couldn’t take, they really wore me out I guess you can say. And last night, I spent a lot of time crying after my mom went to bed and my brother, not loudly just in my room, and I thought about suicide and how easy it was to just leave. And I felt really happy thinking about that.
I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost the one thing I truly needed most, I can tell people are tired of me, the few people I had. And at night sometimes I look out the window, and I think about the last time I felt infinite, and if it will ever happen againn.
But I don’t think so.
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I’m crying reading this because I was about ready to kill myself. I have the noose in my closet. I was going to binge and purge one last time and call it quits. I texted my boyfriend and told him that I will love him no matter what. Then I find this site. Was going to post my final goodbye… and then I stumble upon your post which feels like a parellel universe… because that quote from Charlie is something that I base my life upon.
When you really think of the word, “infinite”, it is truley amazing, for it defines being limitiless and boundless… no end. Eternal possibilites… just ongoing. We are ongoing. Going where? I don’t know. And sometimes where we’re going really feels like hell… But if we infinitley live, we are living a limitless and boundless life, enabling us to go anywhere.
I feel you on never feeling that one of those “infinite” moments will never occur again. I understand fully what it is like to have no hope left… to have lost everything. To be pondering death more than you are pondering your current life. I am there now. This is a really difficult place to get yourself out of… I have tried to commit suicide multiple times. A few times, I saw the “dark light”, as a faded out, as well as the “white light”… which I like to interpret as “heaven or hell” (the white meaning heaven, the dark meaning hell). I am not very religous, even though many people tell me that I need to let God into my life. I really donnot know if there is a God. I am very happy for the people who have found their higher power. I do believe that something is up there, I just don’t know what yet. And this uncertainty causes me to refrain from any form of serious relgious practice.
And I can also relate to being incredibly alone. I really donnot have any friends. I have a boyfriend that I am deeply inlove with, but he really doesn’t understand my eating disorder, or being depressed, or having bipolar, or cutting yourself. He says that he is always there for me, but then I tell him that I’m struggling and he justs says “I’m sorry babe”, when I wish that he would be rushing over to come and be with me. But that is unrealisitic- I cannot expect someone to be there for all of my problems, because they have their own lives. And I don’t want to base our relationship soley upon my instabiliites.
The friends that I used to have are garbage and no good for me. They have hurt me very badly. All they want to do is fuck me or get fucked up with me, and that is deffinetly not the definition of a friend. I hung out with them until I almost lost my boyfriend due to the stupidity of my behaviors that would surface while hanging around them. So I really have no one, because my family is sick of me.
I have been in and out of treatment centers for my eating disorder countless times… in and out of hospitals because my body was ready to give out… psych wards galore. It saddnes me because I think I’ve allowed my weaknesses to consume me. I had a job in December that I was very good at, but it made me extremely anxious and depressed, to the point of a relapse, so I quit. I had another job just in February that I was extremely good at, but again, the same pattern ensued, so I quit. I am not in school this semester because of having to be in treatment. And I am scared to go back. Because it seems like everytime I have a commitment, I panic and faulter. I’m trying to make something of myself now, but try to do everything at once, because I donnot know where to start. So I get really overwhelmed and just shut down.
So here I am. No friends, no job, no school. Just me, myself, my insanity, and I. You sound like a really wonderful person now, and I would love to get to know you. Maybe we could help eachother, and maybe we could be eachother’s “go to” person… Please email me anytime because like I said, I would love to get to know you/be there for you. I hope that this message finds you well. I hope that the days ahead will find you well. Much peace to you…
Oh, by the way, here is my email address… jabeck@student.ysu.edu. If you like, I could email you my cell number even so we can talk/text eachother. I’m sorry that I rambled, and I’m sorry if this all sounds creepy, but I think that this post was meant for me to find…
Hi, I am sorry that I’m back again, and apologize deeply if I am bothering you, but I wanted you to know one last thing…
I have actually been planning, since November, to get the word, “infinite” tattooed on my arm with someone who is no longer my best friend. She essentially forgot about me and doesn’t speak to me anyone (we met in treatment and wer insperable). I would write the word on my arm (inside forearm, over the scars from when I cut “fat” into my arm three times…) kind of as practice to getting used to the tattoo…
For a while, I stopped doing this, because I lost hope. But I would do it periodically when things were going really well. And even though things are not going well, I feel that I need to remember the good times today, so I just wrote “infinite” on my arm again. And hopefully, I will look down at it everytime I was to eat again today… Everytime I want to purge… everytime I go out of my mind… I hope that this helps and am sorry if I’m being a pest. I just really want to help people.
@jabeck
I sent you an email, I am nnot sure if you got it I will try to send you one again, but you are not being a pest and I would LOVE to talk to you! I also want that tattooed on me, on my wrist.
My email is lizy.russo@yahoo.com
*Lizzy.russso