When I feel like this I rant here because, I dont have anyone else to turn to. And I guess people are trying to lift my spirit by saying you can be better and there’s hope and whatever. But the thing is I cant. Mostly because I dont want to. Also because I have tried and never succeeded. I dont want to be anything better than what I am right now: a worthless , disgusting whore. The only thing I want is death. And I dont want people ‘helping’ me and talking me out of it. Thats one of the main reasons I stopped seeing my psychiatrist. I dont want any help.
The only emotions I feel are either extremely sad or angry. When I dont feel like that I dont really feel anything at all. I dont know what to say or do. My brain has had a power overload I guess. I always used to think too much which was one of the reason I had such bad migraines all the time.. now I can barely finish my sentences when I’m in a conversation.
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Things can’t really get worse
Thats what I keep telling myself.. but still it does..
Well, maybe you are falling into the infinite abyss or worse you get trapped in a rabbit hole and never find your way out. Either way it’s rather gloomy. Some say I habitually see the worst in everything. On the contrary I merely err on the side of caution.
I suppose it could be worse though.
You could be down in the streets,
Down in the sewer,
Or even on the end of a skewer.
I always see the worst in everything too.
Of course it could be worse, Im just a whiny little baby. Another reason why I should just die.
Not really, just normal.
i see the best in people, and for the most part, others see the worst in me. maybe our perception is flawed.
hahah No. Im far from being normal.
That’s what you think. You will be surprised what passes for normal these days.
If you say so…
Look between the two of us, if we had a who’s the biggest loser contest I’m sure I would win by a wide margin so you should be ok.
Why are you so sure you’d win?
Because I’m the defending champion and still undefeated these last 7 years. occasionally the odd loser or weirdo thinks they can challenge me but time after time I prove that I’m the worlds biggest numpty.
Ok. So prove it.
I really emphasize with what you are saying…You get to a point where medication, psychiatrists and psychologists, friendly advice and compassion, and just trying to force yourself into the “puzzle of life”, that you realize you don’t fit in anywhere, and this switch that has been flicked in your brain, causing you to see the ugly truth and perspective of life can’t be turned off again, and you only want to leave this place.
I’ve never really told everyone everything. Just given some people a few scraps. I made the mistake of using a genuine email address which was my real name when I first joined. I have no idea why anyone would want to stalk me yet people do. That’s why I won’t ever put my full story up even though I’ve been on this site for a while now. The truth is I don’t think anyone really cares.
Put it this way. I dont want anything and I have nothing to give. People with that attitude seldom have friends.
yes but theres nowhere to go, can’t run from yourself. if i tried to run, surely somebody would trip me. my apt smells like mold real bad its driving me crazy
@ winterrose, yep, thats exactly how it is.
@ duke, I think a lot of people havent told everyone everything. I havent either.
People stalk you?
I actually dont think anyone really cares either to be honest. But I guess they do? I guess I used to care, but, like I said, I dont really care for anything anymore.. so..
but this doesnt prove youre the biggest loser. so by default I win.
Well I dont want anything, and I have absolutely nothing to give. I still have friends though.. I keep them around so I have distraction.
@ lostwithin, how bout cleaning that appartment then?
thumbwrestle for the title
no its under the boards, i complained to the manager and she said it does not smell then hung up on me. i should not get mad at that…right?
I don’t think it’s about being a loser. I went through all this before I came to being “at peace” with what I wanted to do. At first I considered myself a loser. With all the connotations mentioned. But then you look into why you think that of yourself, perhaps you are comparing yourself to others, or perhaps you have a general dislike for yourself. That was how it was for me. For a couple of years I set about fixing my mind so that I no longer compared myself to others. It hardly worked. But I could at times see past it. Not compare myself to others as long as I stayed away from others. I could see that individuality can be embraced if you want it too, and you can be different and learn from it. The problem was, that everything triggered me. Facebook, old photos, text messages. After a while, contact from another person at all sent me back down the dark road. In those couple of years, it is like I have completely shut off my ability to socially interact and communicate as a normal human being. Not only that, but to function too. I have to remind myself to eat, and remind myself that it isn’t logical to try take a tight corner in my car at 80ks. I’m not sure where this erraticness is coming from. But even after I had somewhat deepened my understanding of how to not compare myself to others, and how It affected me, there was that last thing I couldn’t change. My general dislike for myself. In general, I hate everything about my, every, single, thing. And like hating the taste of food, the more you eat it doesn’t mean the nicer it tastes, quite the opposite. Every day is getting more foul and foul, more haze and more haze. I don’t feel alive, I hardly feel..I don’t even ask who I am, but what I am seems more relevant. Christina, I really feel your pain x
I’m 27 and past my best so Im not improving and you are.
I was perfect once. I looked good and was just going so well. Now I’ve gone down the road of self destruction, I’ve gone so far I can’t turn around. I wouldnt be able to find my way back.
I would have gotten pissed actually. And I would demand for her to get it fixed. Im assuming you have a contract? Im assuming it does not state that it has mold? I dont know about your law system, but I know in Holland I would just force her to let it fixed haha. (one plus of being a lawstudent, you know your rights.. I guess)
yea yall im hurting too
@ winterrose
Maybe some medications might make things tolerable. If the ones so far have not, why not try the others.
@lostwithin you should have something done about that mold, some types of mold are actually pretty serious health hazards. I mean you won’t get lucky and have it kill you or anything but it could make you sick.
it would cost many thousands to sue, and in the meantime…. its been years.. they try to run me out . its easy cause everybody know im crazy they want me to leave. i dot know where to go
Medication is no longer an option. All up I have been on over twenty different kinds of medication, and said that to myself everytime “why not try others”. I have lost much of my memory and concentration from those drugs. I no longer trust them, I was on them from really young when I was still developing and I don’t think that was a good thing. They also make me feel more like a zombie. No thanks.
I dont agree with you saying I am improving, you say that because im younger?
You have even been perfect once. I have never been anything better than a worthless piece of shitt. I have been on a road of selfdestruction for at least 8-9 years.. Ive never felt like I could get of that road and turn back. Im too far down the road to even go back, just like you I guess, I cant find my way back.
I would think if you know how it was like to be ‘perfect’ and you have ever been in a good state of mind it would get easier to get out of this shit. Thats what I would assume at least..
For me, I just dont even know how to behave like a normal person. Because I have never on my life been one, or felt like one.
You live in holland. I thought the Dutch were quite liberal. Compared to them you must be normal.
the real problem is i hate myself and am alone. i keep the place ventillated
I agree. It is quite stupid to say that we are coming to our “best” just because we are younger. Like you said, you are new to these feelings and had lots of potential and were once happy and satisfied with life.
It has been this way for many years for me, and I can safely say that in another year my mind won’t clock over to “happy” from where it is now
I have been so many people, each time it was not a conscious choice so I don’t you know say this is who I was and I can go back to that. I just wouldn’t remember how to be.
@ winterrose, I can really relate to what your saying. But like I said, I dont know how to respond properly.. My brain.. I dont know..
No problem Christina 🙂 I understand. Words are coming to me tonight thankfully. I think I should lay off the coffee before bed time haha
Yes I understand winterrose about the medications. It was the memory and concentration that I had problems with. They don’t give you what you want and even make things worse. My recent bad turn came when on Duloxetine.
@ duke, hmm, I dont get why youre saying i must be normal compared to the ‘other dutch people’? But thats probably caus my brains not working again..
Im really confused about this whole thread now actually.. I cant really wrap my brain around it I guess, conversation is moving to quickly maybe, to many people, I dont know..
Im just gonna go.
It’s been about 10 yrs since I was last at my very best. My late teen I would say. Then it gradually got worse.
how did it got worse?
did not mean to mess this up
no you did not mess anything up! no one did.. like I said my brains just going to slow to absorb everything that was said I guess..
I started to feel numbness at the side of my head. My eyes wouldn’t move properly. I always felt tired no matter how long I slept, deteriorating memory, poor concentration, feeling of emptiness, anxiety. As a result I started damaging my health by drinking copious amounts and smoking 20 a day.
But there wasnt really anything that caused that to start happening?
No. I could have lived with it and with medication there are times when there is significant improvement. I mean massive.
It’s just I get weak sometimes and when that happens people take advantage. If it wasn’t for the outside world I would be bable to build up some momentum. People only ever attack the weak because they think they won’t fight back. let me tell you, there is going to be a fight. That’s for sure, I am prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice and whatever happens will happen.
What is the ultimate sacrifice?
hmm.. I really need to work soon, I havent worked all week and I need to because otherwise I cant afford my cigs and weed next week (at least need 150euro, sigh). NEED to smoke some weed first.
So anyway, if you would like I would like to email you and talk a bit more? Or you can email me if you like. Or not. What you want.
Ok but my email on my profile is not genuine.
Oke, then you can just email me if you want.
I dont have it.
its christinavandijk1991@hotmail.com