Hi @ all
Firstly I would like to say that I am happy to have found this site.
Talking about me…. where do I start?
I have been suffering depression for most of my life (I guess). My father was a drunk, sexually abusive and beat my mum and whoever else was in his path. The nightmare ended when I was 12 and they got divorced (good news). Teenage life is never easy – I won’t bore you with it. Got married for the first time when I was 20. Life appeared fine. In the mid 90’s I was pregnant with my first baby, my little daughter was stillborn four weeks before she was due. Pretty much everything took a nose-dive from there. Although falling pregnant again and delivering my baby alive and healthy, my marriage went completely down the pan. Never mind, I managed fine as a single mum. I did not give up and managed to get good qualifications and land a job.
When my child was seven, I met my (now) husband, who is a lovely guy. We had another child, who is now in primary school. Everything lovely, isn’t it? Far from it. Although having been on antidepressants for years, they don’t work for me anymore. There isn’t a day or an hour where I don’t think of ending my life – there is a part of me that appears already dead, it’s hard to describe. One could turn around and say – what is she whinging about? She’s got pretty much everything. I am not disputing that, but that is just my shell. I just cannot break out of this misery. The only thing that is stopping me are my children, I don’t want their memory of mum to be one of she just selfishly left – and put that burden on them. I will end my life one day, but I think I need to wait until my youngest child is grown up, but then again, can I really handle another 12 – 13 years of living this nightmare?
5 comments
Did you ever try different antidepressants? Did you ever went to a psychotherapist or to the psychiatric? The first step you need to take is the step to professional help. Depression is most certainly a curable mental illness.
Hi 🙂
I can relate to a part of you feeling dead, and to feeling so bad when everything around you seems perfect. The problem with trying to stick through it like this is – other than it being horrible for you to feel like this – you never know if it’ll suddenly take a drop and you won’t be able to stop yourself. It’s hard to control yourself when your mind is fighting against you (as you probably know!). Could you try switching anti depressants? I don’t know much about them, but if you saw a doctor they might have something different to suggest. I think it’s great that you’re fighting for the people around you, but you need to fight to make you feel better. 🙂
Hello Ceridwen,
I can relate to the life journey for sure…and anti-depressants don’t work for me…because I am not actually depressed…it is a rebound condition caused by my primary condition…anxiety and panic disorder….caused by an overwhelming number of traumas during and after childhood…and I have been struggling they tell me since the day I was born…but here I am…and I’m now 50…is life perfect?…not here…but my inner life has never been better…just wanted you to know there is hope and solutions are available. Where will you find your answers…well maybe here on the old SP….why not?
Hope to talk to you more later on…gotta go get the kid from school and do the banking and….hahaha…I’ll be back on in an hour or so.
Blessed Be
Amakua
YES! YOU CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!! BELIEVE IN YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR FAMILY, AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE EVEN MORE THAN 12-13 YEARS!!!! PERHAPS EVEN 20 OR 30!!!!!! BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can relate to what you are going through. I myself am so tired. Exhausted and anxious to get it all over with. I find small comfort and relief in thinking about ending it all. For me, the only absolute truth in this world is the END, because everything else CHANGES. That is what makes life so unfair. Sometimes I think how beautiful it is to become NOTHING. I struggle to rationalize why life is unfair and how to deal with it. Here is a site that might make some sense for you: http://www.ethicalfocus.org/dr-joe-chuman/chuman-platforms/175-what-to-do-when-life-is-not-fair If the site will not give you some answers, perhaps it might make you interested in why we are like this, hence go and look for answers. Your answer might already be there, within your reach.