I had one good day and then things fell apart. There were 2 1/2 decent weeks leading up to my one good day.Â Then my health problems came back.Â My health issues came back in an instant. The summer is basically over and I’m sick of this cycle. I can’t string together 3 good weeks. It’s hard to build a life this way. At times I really hate myself and my life. I ask people “What’s the point?” and they have no sensible answers. Having that one good day I could see that life is much better when your health is good and normal and I remember how it was many years ago. I can’t make plans, can’t go out and interact with others. I don’t want to go out or be seen.
I have one friend that knows about my cycles and struggles but I can’t make plans with other friends and often have to cancel. They have no idea why. I haven’t told them because once you tell them you’re seen as “the sad guy” and I don’t enjoy the explaining process and they might not understand or relate anyway. Also, I still don’t want to brand myself that way.
I remember what it’s like to be enthusiastic about life and what it’s like to make plans and do things.Â It hurts to think about those times.Â It’s been basically 13 years of this. It’s unfortunate and cruel that we don’t really have the option for fall asleep and drift off painlessly with dignity.