It started out small. I would feel sad and tired and utterly hopeless for a few hours, maybe one night at the most. I would self harm or cry myself to sleep or rant in my diary until 2 AM. The next morning I would tell myself that yesterday was “just a bad day” and that everyone had them once in a while, so it was totally normal.
I went from having a “bad day” once in a while, to having a “bad day” once a month, to having several “bad days” a month…and before I knew it, I’d become the person I am now. I can’t remember the last time I had a good day. Â I never feel right. I spend lonely hours on tumblr or some random site doing nothing, just scrolling through and blocking out the stressful thoughts that run through my head. And when I try to focus and do some homework or one of my hobbies (writing, blogging) or text one of my friends, I can’t. I just can’t make my thoughts come together. I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to type this out, but my grip on reality is slipping and all I want to do is sit here and stare at the wall and huddle inside the comfort of my own pathetic, socially anxious brain. I feel so empty, so numb. I don’t even feel sad or worthless. I just don’t have any emotions at the moment. It’s like I’m nothing. I can’t even remember what I’m supposed to be doing. Or what I got on the computer for in the first place. Or what I’ve been doing on the computer for the past 13 hours. I think I watched some Youtube videos or read fanfiction, maybe. I don’t even know.
Anyway…for some people, it’s not “just a bad day.” Don’t tell me that. It’s not a bad day. It’s a bad life.
1 comment
>> “It started out small.”
Agreed… in the sense that I remember when my bad moments were few and far in between… and those moments gradually increased… while the good times between those moments decreased. At some point, things just began to stink. But I have to believe that… just like it’s possible for a cycle of prolonged hardship to begin, it has to be just as possible for a cycle of decreased hardship to start, too. I haven’t figured out how to limit the bad times yet… and maybe I won’t… but I hope it’s worth a try.