Sigh, Social Anxiety Disorder. S.A.D, how coincidental. If you don’t have it, I can’t explain it well but I can try at least. It is like you can not go anywhere public, you fear every one, you can not handle how you think they see you. I guess I have it to the extreme because all I do is work 6:30AM-5:00PM then I come home, drift into the bathroom and shower. Grab a snack and go to bed. Maybe play a game or two. It is crippling, I feel like I am going to have a fucking panic attack if I am in public for more than 10 minutes. I had a Christmas party with my co-workers, cool guys and everything, but before the menus even showed up I had to leave. I have nothing interesting to say, have no idea how to have conversations with people and just can’t handle it.
I don’t drink or smoke either even though I think I should be drunk every single day, alcohol makes me sick and smoke makes me sicker. I am still a kissless virgin so far out of school and I doubt I can meet a girl now since all I do is sleep and work. I could try online shit but I am so camera shy I wouldn’t want to. Besides, who wants to date someone like me? I have zero motivation to do anything, I don’t even want to wake up in the morning. I want to just end it somehow. But I am afraid, of course I am. I don’t know what will happen, what my family will do or my one friend, and I use that loosely. Everyone I know has a girlfriend now, or is at least talking to girls, I can’t do shit. Ugh, I was thinking of either talking to a therapist or getting my license and shooting myself in the head or something. The gun way seems easier because I have no clue how some dude can help me. What the hell is he going to say, “There are people that love you” yeah? Who the fuck is that? Maybe someone besides my mom? Yeah, okay buddy. Thanks for taking my money.
I throw on a smile everyday and hide what is inside, I keep everything bottled up. Sometimes I feel like I just want to go out and hurt people but I won’t of course, I just sigh and go to sleep. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, thinking of how fucked I am and how much I can’t fix it. Thinking, why is it like this? Am I an only half? There is no one to complete this puzzle? That is what I think about. Sometimes I can’t even sleep, I stay up all night in bed, then go to work and try to sleep. I feel like I should be one of those people that has it all, I have a great job that pays extremely well, I am tall, dark and not even a little ugly, just I can’t do it. It all boils down to the whole S.A.D. thing. I can’t deal with people at all, and you need people to be alive inside, I don’t have that so what is the point of having it on the outside or at all. I don’t see the point. Work, come home, be alone, sleep, work. Don’t see the point. Fuck it, going to sleep.