After elementary school I found that people just get more annoying as they age- either that or i just grow annoyed more easily. In the past couple of years i’ve basically stopped communicating with my peers in fear of being judged. Yes, i’m “normal” around the few close friends i have- one of which tried to kill herself just last year, and another who tells me he thinks about it. Well, i think about it too. In fact, i think about it often. The only thing is i could never bring myself to do it. I used to call myself a coward, but now i try to believe that i’m strong enough not to bring myself down that far. But then again those moments come when i’m crying on the floor of the bathroom wondering how people bare the pain… It’s just so difficult being 16. I know i sound selfish for saying so. But i also know that they don’t understand the academic pressure we have today, or the pressure we get from society… I’m bisexual and have known this since I could write out the alphabet. I recognize myself as this, but not many others do. I haven’t told them because he has told me that it’s wrong and disgusting. He, who has so much judgement toward others… I’m sorry i can’t be a straight A student. I’m sorry i can’t resist the attraction I have toward women. We’re just so fucking hot. And i’m sorry i’m not super-model skinny. Stress just adds a couple pounds in the winter. I don’t actually know where i’m going in this… I just hate people. I hate being surrounded by those critcal eyes. I hate standing naked in front of the mirror wondering why I just can’t bring myself to lose a few. But most of all, i hate going to bed at night hating like I do.
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I hate qoinq to bed to cause I’m qonna wake up to the same old day with these same old thouqhts of wantinq to kill myself.I really wanna commit suicide so why am I still here?It’s qood that you hate everyone cause you’d probably hate me anyway.
I don’t think having suicidal close friends is “normal†or helpful. Free yourself from negative people and spend time with nice people who are smart, driven, and likeminded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who reflect the person you want to be, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being it. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.
If being 16 is difficult, I can’t imagine what it’s like being 30 years old, a single mother, working full time and raising kids alone. You’re obviously not sorry that you’re not putting an effort in your studies nor have any restraint. Winners find a way, losers find an excuse (honesty I guilty too). My friend is the Valedictorian of my graduating class and she is always stressed about her grades but I support her, study with her, make her laugh, and make sure she doesn’t drown sweating the small stuff. Academic success is possible. Whether or not you have a model body is up to your genetics. I’m short but I make sure not to get bigger than a size US 2. Don’t over eat, and if you’re too lazy to exercise then go on a vegan diet so you don’t have to. You need to gain confidence in yourself. The less you care about what other people think the sooner you will be a free, mature, and happy young lady. I’m not bisexual (I like to think of myself as asexual LOL) but I appreciate the beauty in women and complement often (lost of models and ex children models at my school (jealous bro?)). Acknowledging that some guy is hot and fucking a dude are two different things. Loving the entire human population (men and women) is not disgusting. Don’t hate people. It’s a waste of time. Forgive others, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace. I can give you stress and weight loss advice but I highly doubt you want it or will even read this.
I do read this stuff as I find it amusing. Your comment actually reinforces my anger toward people. You assume I am the person that doesn’t give a rip about my studies. My academic worth is my top priority, yet school for me is just difficult in general. As for my friends, I’m the one they look up toward- you can’t expect me to just leave them for my more positive peers- that’d just be cruel to them. Their happiness is of greater value to me than mine. I just find that writing about my insecurities is easier than burdening those I love with them. Also what people say about me is worth nothing in my mind- only the fact that they would even attempt to judge me, which they are sure to do to others. It’s hard for me to explain; when i say I hate people I include myself. We are a disgusting race full of judgement and hate. Peace is but a mirage. Sure, I could candy coat myself with a healthy body and mind, but none of this will ever truly bring this world to a better place.
I can only go by what you write. Sorry I misunderstood you, thank for clearing up some facts. I’m glad to hear that academic worth is your top priority. I think it’s great that you try to help your friends and I’m not truly suggesting that you should leave them, but that you need support too and I feel that they aren’t giving you much. Recently my brother had to break up with his girlfriend because he himself is so weak and unstable that he is not strong enough to support her, I don’t want that to happen to you. I appreciate your stoic attitude but self sacrifice is not the best choice. You need to help yourself before you can help others. I see that as you have become wiser, your heart has grown colder. The world is what you think it is (which in your case in unfortunate!). Life is too short to be pissed all the time. Don’t let your anger blind you. There are things worth seeing and things not worth your anger. In school they don’t show you the beauty of existing, the wonder of the earth, or show you the unity that human beings are. I hope you will discover that on your own. I understand that writing helps you organize your thoughts but the easiest way to keep people from getting involved in your personal problems is to not post them on the internet.
You remind me of Gulliver! Remember, when he saw the yahoos? I feel like you just came back from the country of the Houyhnhnms. Remember reading that book? xD
Oh I just realized your 16! You should read that book. It’s called Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift. It is a satire on human nature. I think you would enjoy it.
@ conrad: i love that book! Its hilarious in an odd way:) another great read about human nature is Candide, but u kinda have to have a dark sense of humor for that one
Let me tell you from someone that was almost in your exact same position four years ago, life after high school is completely different. You won’t be judged the way you are in HS in the real world…the hard part is getting used to that. I’m still kind of struggling with that. Okay, no, I’m really struggling with that. But the rest of the world isn’t so judgmental. And btw, it’s perfectly healthy to think about killing yourself. It’s human nature. As long as you’re not making any plans on actually doing it.
Best of luck to you.
They certainly do
And some just blow!!!