My mum is cheating on my dad with someone else. And I think I know who that person is. My best friend’s dad. I found out, and I can’t tell anyone. Because if I did, everyone’s world would change. Everyone around me will be affected severely.
I’ve been living this awful secret for almost 8 years. I knew this since I was really young. My mum left her phone at home (which she NEVER lets us use). I was young, and I went through her messages and found things I shouldn’t be finding or knowing. Sappy, disgusting messages. I read each one with tears in my eyes. With bile in my stomach. With my fists clenched. I tried to come up with a good reason to defend my mother. I was in denial. But the facts were so clearly there, in front of me. I can’t deny it anymore.
As the years went by, I observe and I notice things. Sometimes when my mum gets a message alert, my eye catches it and I see who it’s from. I am not pleased obviously. Every time I see her texting on her phone, I immediately think it’s him. In real life, he helps my mum do some stuff. He helps ME do stuff. He gave me his old phone to use as mine was lost. I quickly got a new one and gave his back to him. And as much as I try to ignore and push him away, it never works because he’s so darn nice to me. And if I show disdain and hate to him, they’ll probably think I know something.
Also, my mum is always concerned about my best friend, L. L and I, most of the time, when people first meet us they call us twins. And we have to keep telling them we’re NOT twins. I’m so sick of that. I think she is too.
Almost whatever my mother gets for me, she gets it for her. Not the same, but similar things. Once, she went to Cambodia, and she got me a big pink bag. I liked it. Then I found out she got the SAME bag, just smaller and a different colour… for L. She’s probably doing this, not because she’s my best friend. She’s doing this because L’s her fucking lover’s daughter.
My mother also ALWAYS compares me to L. She keeps telling me how talented L is. How great L is. How beautiful L is. And how bad I am in this, how awful I am in that… that I’ll never get a boyfriend ever. I want to tell her to shut the fuck up all the time. She’s ruining my self-esteem and confidence. I always thought I was born with low self-esteem. But recently I realized it’s my mother who’s causing that. Not me. I used to be confident. I used to be brave. I used to be able to do things I can never be brave enough to do now. Now? I’m a fucking coward. I’m a fucking scaredy cat.
My dad got a new dog from a friend today. My mum was furious because my dad didn’t tell my mum because he knew she wouldn’t agree with it. I’M furious because having a dog is more of a troublesome disadvantage right now and we already have TWO dogs! My mum went out for a while to cool down but she came back with the same expression on her face. My parents aren’t talking right now. Sitting in the same room, but not talking. And it hurts me. They fight a lot though, because they’re quite different. Every fight of theirs breaks my heart. Did I mention that I hate seeing people fight/argue (besides debate)? But it kills me to know that my mum probably went to that guy for comfort and advice. I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell to think anymore. I’m so tired, because every little negative thing in the family leads me to think that it might break up our family. Our family might fall apart. We’re so fragile. I’m so damn afraid.
Other than that, I think I have some social problems. I probably have paranoia. Also, I cannot stand being hated, rejected or not accepted. I want to be liked, I want to be accepted. I think everyone wants the same things, but I want it more. So much more, my mind goes paranoid over it. I over analyze, and my mind goes fucking crazy. Then, I feel like I want to die.
I got picked as a candidate for secretary in the student council. I didn’t really want it. I don’t want it mainly because I didn’t want to run or campaign for it. I applied for it just to get some peace of mind so that my mind won’t keep thinking about the fact that I did not try. I tried, I got a chance to be interviewed, and I got picked. I didn’t think I’d come this far. The problem about running for any post in the student council is… it really depends on your popularity. In my college, almost all of them come from the same school or social cliques back in high school. So they know each other, and they’ll support each other. I on the other hand, am not in their group. I am the outcast, the underdog. Surely the popular ones will get chosen and I end up in eternal embarrassment. I would love to believe that a miracle will happen. But nowadays I can’t believe in them.
In my interview, I told them I was brave, strong and I will never give up. In reality, I am the opposite of those things. I have low self-esteem, I’m weak, and I am ready to give up anytime right now. But at the same time because of that need to be accepted and liked, I can’t tell them that. They’ll think I’ve lied to them and will think I’m some asshole. I don’t want to be labelled as an asshole in anyone’s eyes. I’ll go crazy.
So I have to go with it. But I am not ready for rejection. I am not ready for embarrassment. No one is. No one will.
I’m failing in everything I do. I used to take up piano lessons, violin lessons, swimming lessons and Taekwondo. Now? I don’t. I stopped all my lessons. I didn’t have time. But now, I feel useless. I feel like shit because I never got to finish them. I gave up.
Lastly, I think I have a crush on someone in my new class. In my eyes, he’s close to perfection. He’s nice, he’s a swimmer, he’s a Christian and he’s kinda good-looking (to me). He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me though? I don’t know, he’s so distant and hesitant whenever I try to strike up a conversation. But when it’s with some other girls, he talks so openly. I want him to talk like that to me. I want him to feel comfortable around me. I don’t hope that he likes me, because I mean… who would :/? I do hope I can be his friend at least. To know that I can help him through his dark times is good enough for me for now.
Why can’t life be simple? Why can’t everything just work out the right way? Why does it have to twist and turn and make things harder for us? I am exhausted.
4 comments
I felt the same way as you when I was younger. I felt like anything I did might make my parents hate each other more. I ran out of the house balling and trying to stop my dad from leaving a few times. It’s been a long time since then (It could have been almost 20 years ago now). I’m finally learning to wrap my head around everything that happened and realize I had zero power over anything they did. I realize things were eventually better after my parents divorce because I saw my parents being normal and happy again. All I can say is….trust me I’m a mother of 2 now going through a divorce. There’s nothing you could do to break up your family. Whatever you do, the decision is out of your hands. If you can Talk that out and accept it and internalize it you will have some relief of your mental anguish. Good luck to you & it’s so trite but…it really does get better. There are super highs for every single person in life that balance out the lows.
Hey Carmen- i could empathise with you as my mom dated for 8 months got married and never told me till after the marriage. It is hard especially if the person is someone you know, which is why its impressive your doing this well. Look its your mom’s choice. You can’t do anything about what your mom wants to do, regardless of how much you fight over. Love is powerful and nothing can be done about it. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you any less though, it means she love someone else aswell- if you have a younger sibling you’ll know what i mean.
As for reading the messages- true you shouldn’t have (I also did the same) But don’t feel guilty. It would have become obvious to you later on anyway.
As for your mom comparing you to your friend. Thats a mom thing. Never heard the saying ‘I nag you because i love you’. Its what Moms do.
You have an excellent chance know to redeem yourself. To make your life. Stand up, raise your voice. I can tell regardless of what you think of yourself that you’re higly intelligent. Time to put that intelligence to good use. You have to start from somewhere so why not hear. You earn what you get so work hard and you’ll get the friends, the boy, the popularity and the money.
Stay strong and i know you’ll be able to do anything
Hey Carmen – thank you so much for sharing your heart out.
Regarding the Christian guy you have a crush on, have you considered there’s a slight chance he’d have a crush on you too? Now, I can certainly be wrong on this. It’s just that I remember when I was younger in High School and such, the more crush I had on a girl (yes I’m male haha), the less I tend to open myself up to – I didn’t want to get hurt (yes I’m sensitive when it comes to romance). I’d be more comfortable with girls I find less attractive, so I’m more likely to act more comfortably around them. Take my word with a grain of salt, but that to me can be one possibility.
I have a similar issueIt started when my mom was introduced to the InternetAnd then emails and FacebookShe got herself a boyfriend somewhere in the worldI can here her talking on the phone and laughingMoaning sometimesDad heared her talking once on the phone in a romantic wayHe confronted herAnd all hell Broke loose .Everything was on edge for a yearDuring which, I noticed the Meg’s and weird calls still going onUntil she made this huge lie about working abroadShe disowned usTold everyone that we r bad childrenWho don’t helpAnd are ungratefulAnd that dad is annoying and she is fed up of himAnd that this traveling for work thing is just for work and sometime for herself aloneI think she will Go there and we will never see her again.Dad is heartbrokenHe is thinking crazy thoughtsSomeone told me that he asked how to get a gun and what kind….I can hear him crying in the mid of the night…My momIsAClass A*****I can’t sleepI can’t workI can’t studyIt even affected my love lifeI am afraid that one day I MIght wake up with blood in the airHer travel flight is getting nearAnd there is nothing that I can do