Want to escape

I’ve been suffering from depression since I was 12 and the past 7 years have been nothing but hell emotionally. I’ve tried to seek help over and over again but no answers. I’ve been on too many medications to name, have attempted suicide a few times before (my first attempt traumatized me with nightmares, anger, and hatred for years). I know life gets better supposedly, but I have no ability to get help anymore because of money and insurance, plus I live in a conservative area where someone like me living an alternative lifestyle can’t find a job and can’t get many opportunities. Because of the lifestyle I love to live I’ve been bullied most of my life that only adds to my severe depression. My depression and the fact that I’m unwelcome in this community because of my lifestyle, leads to severe emotional pain. All this pain won’t go away unless I conform to everyone else and live a lie to stop the bullying, pretend to be happy constantly, or get pumped full of more pills only to relapse once again. Personally I’ve been at peace with the thought of dying for a few years despite the fact that my previous attempts always failed, and now I see death as merely a release from the chronic hurt that I’ll probably live with for the rest of my life. I love my family, don’t want to hurt them, don’t want to upset people, and don’t want to cause attention; I just want to escape an unbearable and chronic pain that has depleted the quality of my life for a long time now. I know my life isn’t terrible compared to others out there, I’m lucky to be alive today, and life will supposedly get better; but I’m in pain and no one can have mercy on me. I don’t want to drag along in this life anymore and really want to leave a world that can’t offer me anything else. Everyday it feels like I’m running on empty and as if I’m running the rat race of life with broken legs and no one can alleviate the pain of just getting up everyday. So sometimes I just wish the people that hate a freak like me would just kill me like they say they will, I’d see them as my angel of mercy personally. But anyways I just wish I had some barbiturates or something so I could just go out painlessly and mercifully. It’s not because my life sucks, but I feel death would be best because I’m in pain and have been for a long time with no cure or way to numb it. I just feel I’ve been fighting a losing battle for a long time and had made peace with death a couple years ago after a long time of living in denial about it, I just wish I could go out peacefully and end my internal suffering or have someone end it for me. I don’t need pity, nor advice necessarily, nor people to whine about someone as insignificant as me, but I just want to end a pain I feel is intolerable and has taken away from the enjoyment of my life. I’m not depressed about dying and in fact I can’t even cry about it anymore and haven’t been able to for a long time. I just wish the end would come and I could just be forgotten. This isn’t a pity party for me (in fact I’d rather people be happy at my passing because I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore) but I just needed to talk about it a little on a site like this.