I don’t think I want to die. I don’t really want to live though. I’ve dug myself into a hole and I don’t see a way out. I dropped out of college twice, I lost my job, I tried to kill myself, I spent two weeks in the psych ward, I don’t have friends anymore. How am I supposed to bounce back from that? I’m starting from nothing and I don’t have the energy to do anything drastic enough to make my life better. I’m not even sure how I could do that.
Some people tell me to suck it up, stop feeling sorry for myself, and do something with my life. They suggest going back to school or getting another job. I hated school and I hated my job. I would rather die than go through that again.
Some people tell me to stop worrying, that I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me. They say that things will work out for the best. They can never produce any evidence that things will, in fact, get better. So I cannot believe them.
Is it possible that we’re just not suited to the cruelty of the world, and that the best decision we can make is to quickly remove ourselves from it? Is it at all feasible for people to take initiative and improve their lot in life, even though it involves a ton of factors beyond their control? Should a person who lives a miserable life keep trudging along, even when the situation is hopeless? What if we–the suicidal people–are the most realistic, and everyone else is a deluded, overly-optimistic moron?
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I’ve said a lot of the same things. Just now I was on the phone with a friend and he was telling me that I have to try and do things, to make things change. No one seems to understand that I am trying.
And there is nothing more I hate than being told that things will get better.
Why?
Being optimistic is never deluded as the random probabilities inherient in the physical observables of quantum mechanics destroys the inevitability of any event no matter how big or small. There is no garentee that life is going to get better in fact it could even get worse. The fact is that many times it is not whats in your life thats the problem at all as some of the most sucessful people in the world are the most miserable. I have a great mind, an aptitude for physics and attend the top undergraduate school in the country. I have many friends, no real enemies and live in comfort. Yet suicide is something that i think about committing on a daily basis. Sometimes there is no reason or methodology behind misery its just there.
I don’t know if this will help but I know that we need people like you. We need people that see the world as a shithole since those who ignore problems are oftentimes the ones who cause them. Its not fair that a few of us should inherient the problems of the ignorant masses but equality doesnt change the necessecity of the viewpoint. I wish everday i could be dumb and ignorant, filling my life with alcohol, sex, and a 9-5 like those around me becuase happiness is relavtive to the person and those things are pretty easy to come by. Unfortunately i have to be driven insane with thoughts of temporal causailty and field tensors. Just the way I am wired.
So yes, everyone IS deluded. But sanity hinges on the survival of those who wont accept the world for what it is. These are the people who charge the beach at normandy not becuase they expected to survive but becuase its something that had to be done. For every ounce of suffering you endure there is somone out there who directly or indirectly wont suffer.
Finally I would like to close by saying that it doesn’t have to be this way. There are those who share this enlighten view but still retain thier healthy disposition…somehow. My brother is very into this thing called “the secret” which is using the power of positive thinking to shift the universe around you which from a physicist standpoint actually is viable since the laws that govern this universe are subject to changes in preception much as time speeds up or slows down depending on certain conditions. Sorry I can’t tell you more definitely how to locate that state of mind, still searching myself, but I know its out there. Tell you what, if I find it and your still around I’ll let you know.
-Trying doesn’t garentee success, but giving up garentees failure, MCB
Oo~~ ya know I think it’s possible ur right. maybe they are all overly optimistic morons. But we still meet these morons and get along with at least some o them, so maybe they ain’t too moronic. After all, they are what both makes us and breaks us.
the psych ward .. committal
something meant to remind you some golden rules:
– the majority is always right
– you don’t choose to, you’re forced to get better because death is never an option to the majority .. you have to keep pretending you’re doing your best to become ‘normal’ because it makes them comfy (it’s always been about them, not you).. free will is a crock of sh-t
– tradition >> evolution of mentalities
I’m in the psych unit of a hospital at the moment .. there’s committal down the road if I keep being myself & not what they expect me to .. I’ll put on a good show, pretend there’s a tiny part of me that has hope & wants to get better, go back to being functional in an illusion-driven, appearance-based, dysfunctional world
idk…I have to hold on to hope. it might seem dumb or naive,but it’s got me through a lot of bad situations before,and i figure,if i’ve survived through those things,and things improved,even if it was just for a little while-i don’t think hope ever dies,it’s always there. because we really don’t know what tomorrow will bring. you could win the lottery next week,(it might be unlikely-but somebody always wins.) and if we give up,we miss out on the lifeboat that could three feet in front of us-we just can’t see it cause we’re blinded by our pain. am i making any sense? i understand where your coming from-but i think theres always hope.
@ellachristina: you don’t sound dumb or naive, it’s just that your survival instinct & curiosity are stronger than a will to die (imo) and that’s a good thing
afa I’m concerned, I’ve come to realize I’ll only find relief in not being in the physical world & it took me time to be ok with that .. no amount of cash, sex or love could take me back to being glad to be here .. tbth I’d probably enjoy a distraction from my death wish but soon as the excitement is gone, I’d just leave
I wouldn’t wish this mentality on anyone .. it makes more sense to keep fighting as long as there’s hope & curiosity, even if it’s just crumbles
i know it’s personal and you don’t have to answer,but do you mind if i ask how old you are? you don’t don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,it’s okay.:) i just..(lol,i can’t talk,bare with me.:P) i came to this website at a really bad time in my life,(during a relapse with my eating disorder)and it’s helped me so much…it’s doesn’t take away the pain from my past or present but it does show me there is some good out there,becasue i see it in all of you. it makes so sad to think about the possibility that it isn’t enough…but i think i understand what you mean. there is just so much ahead…i felt so so broken,and still do…like i could never repair what broke inside of me so why bother trying? everything felt hallow and pointless and awful…but slowly i started to thaw,and put one foot in front of the other…and now even though i slip up sometimes i want to live. i just want to give you a big hug,idk.i wish so much that things would get better for you and for all of us,and if there was even a chance for good things…i pray that you won’t give up so that you get to live it. sex and cash are good,but they are empty in my opinion,unless there is love present . i learned the hard way no amount of shoes can make you happy (money is great but it doesn’t care about you)because it doesn’t fill that void..but i found that love does for me. i really wish the best for you.i’m always here if you want to talk,i’ll be your friend.
lol,that was @truthbetold
how nice of you lol .. thanks
I’m 24 .. you may be right about love being able to fill the void .. the thing is I have to get over my fears to be loved & abandonment issues, decide that it’s still worth putting yourself out there .. my mental obstacles are people tend to commit for selfish reasons (it’s often about what one can gain/receive, rarely about what one can give), on a superficial level and to always disappear when you need them the most
i’m 19,your older than me,but still really young.there’s so much we haven’t done yet.i get that…i have severe trust issues with new people,but my love for my family and friends that i trust and know is what pulls me through. and i’ve dated a couple good guys so i know they aren’t extinct, lol. i guess good people are kind of a rare breed,but they are out there. there is a lot of good people on here who i hope will be able to help(i wish distant.road was here,that guy is a genius,he always knows just what to say)anyway..i think it’s about taking babysteps. not everyone is bad,you know? good luck,and keep talking to us! maybe we can help.
true, there’s a lot of good-intentioned people on SP
according to what I read on a site (near-death.com) talking about near death experiences & the after life (I believe in multiple incarnations here, on other planets or as different beings) everything is going according to a perfect plan, which is hard to believe from an earthly pov
anyway I guess I’ll try to hang in till the universe remembers to come free me
that’s good.:) we’ll hang in there with you. all my friends have different beliefs,i’m cool with that.:) i’m a christian myself though. but i agree with you,i think everyone has a purpose,and i think theres something bigger than us going on. stay strong.:)