Business is slow so money’s tight. Both my parents are in bad health so I decided to move back to help out and save money. I’m not bad looking, I keep in pretty good shape, have a full head of hair and I do have a lot of friends.  I’ve been fighting depression since the age of 18.  The only things that have prevented me from ending things have been the fear of hurting my loved ones and, although I’m not the best Catholic in the world, going to hell.  Never told anyone this but I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills when I was 20. It was well over the lethal dosage but I woke up the next day (I lived alone) without having vomited. I frequently think I did kill myself in another reality and maybe the last 20 years ARE the hell I’m being punished with. ANYWAY, here I am 24 years later. I’ve had a couple of really intense relationships, one of which came within days of marriage (I called it off when she showed a violent streak I wasn’t going to tolerate). I haven’t had sex in over 5 years.  I kind of died inside and now I’m all fucked up sexually and romantically. I’ve got a huge libido and the only thing keeping me a little sane is memories of my past relationships. I must have had more sex in 10 years than most people have in a lifetime.  I’m too superficial when it comes to looks. I won’t sleep with someone I’m not attracted to. I tried years ago to sleep with a couple of girls I really liked as friends and it ended badly each time(actually it didn’t end at all). She’s got to have a big chest and be in pretty good shape for me to lust after her. If this makes me look bad, I agree and last time I had any hope for the future was when I thought I might have cancer but it turned out to be just a bronchial infection. Basically I’m a bad person for not getting married and having children and I think the penalty should be death. Sometimes I try to blame my parents because of a lot of mental and physical abuse my dad put me through as a kid. His PTSD from Vietnam manifested itself in fits of rage that coincided with my childhood. I still have scars from where the wire hanger sliced up my legs.  He got help in the 80’s and regrets what he put us through so if you can’t forgive your parents who can you forgive?  Maybe I can get a whole bunch of accidental death insurance and then have an “accident” with a power tool. That might soften the blow to my loved ones. The women I’m attracted to aren’t attracted to me. I look boring but nature is telling me to impregnate someone so I can have the fun and work of making and raising kids. I’m all fucked up. Sorry if you read this whole thing and feel your time was wasted.
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You don’t deserve to die cuz you aren’t married or haven’t had kids, in fact one could argue in a world already overpopulated with humans you’ve done it a favour. Having kids isn’t the be all and end all of heterosexual people, no matter what you’re told. I just turned 40 last week so I kinda know how you feel, apart from the hell thing. As a godless nonbeliever I find even the concept of hell utterly ghastly, and besides, in a secular or worldly sense we humans are more than capable of creating a hell on earth right here all by ourselves. And hey although not many of us will admit it we all find beautiful, handsome or attractive and good looking people (both men and women in my case) hot and a turn on. You are clearly concerned about those you love, value and care for so you can’t be all that bad. Join the club, you’re just fucked up…
im going to have to agree with shelly, not being married or having kids isn’t something you should kill yourself about and im not even 15 yet. however an idea that could help is adoption, you could take care of a child as if it were your own.
I was gonna suggest that hated-one, glad someone did, adoption…
Sex , marriage, and children are not the end all be all to life.
I was married and had a child once and before it happened never wanted either. We got divorced and my kid died.
In my youth I t traveled quite a bit and slept with quite a few women. Mainly I was overdoing it because of abuse in my childhood made me question my sexuality and fitness to be a man. Which later I realized that it did not fix the problem. I realized that sexuality was about who you were attracted to and not about what you were forced into as a child.
Been celibate for a few years more than you. And honestly it is rather less stressful to be able to speak to women without complications that come from having sex with them.
All I am saying is lust is a natural human phenomena. And if you enjoy different women then marriage is not for you unless you can find a woman who wants an open marriage.
And as hate-one says you can always adopt. A lot of children need a stable and loving parent.
The fact that you were abused by your father. And it is one of the biggest reasons you make the choices you do.
You are neither bad nor fucked up.
You are just caring and human.
You may be more caring than the average person hence your self dislike. Because you do not want to hurt anyone.
Thanks you guys. Just wanted you all to know I’m not the type to sit around and feel sorry for myself (while at the same time hate myself if that make sense). At this point in time I think if I knock myself off it won’t be very planned out. Something will probably just be the last straw and I’ll throw a rope over a tree or rafter. We have some nurses who take care of my parents so they would probably be the first to find me. I’m pretty tough on the outside but rather fragile on the inside so I do have a pretty full schedule. I have a stagnant (yet surviving) business. I coach little league and I have a nephew who’s dad isn’t around very much who I love like my own. He’s the reason I’ve held on the last few years. I do have a note explaining this in case I snap. I just frequently stand back, take a look at my life and see what the depression has robbed me of. Also, regarding business/work people are mean and cold hearted. This kind of wears on me all day. I really enjoy the boys on team but it also reminds me I don’t have a son.
Owen, I don’t know how to respond to that except what I told my buddy when he lost his little boy. You’re an extremely strong person and I don’t think I would survive such a thing.
Sad thing is I’m habitually monogamous. Every relationship I’ve had she’s been the center of my over sexed thoughts. Another thing, the thought of getting her pregnant was the biggest turn on I ever experienced. How fucked up is that? Just something dirty hot that changed things from fun and games to animalistic drive to “mate” I had no control over. I’m going to tone it down because this isn’t one of THOSE websites and it’s making me sad/frustrated.
ANYWAY, if you’re read my ramblings thanks for giving a shit. I still think the insurance/power tool accident scenario is best. I also feel fucked up because I do have a pretty good life, I just can’t feel the good stuff anymore. It’s like when Freddy Prinz shot himself it was because he “couldn’t hear the laughter anymore”.
I do see how the childhood abuse can cause hyper sexuality in adults. I also think that’s the reason why my hands shake sometimes.
I do feel there is a higher power because this movie I’m watching that is my life is just too complicated and weird not to have been scripted by someone or something.
Is the movie about sex addiction?
I wasn’t meaning fucked up in a negative sense, just, well most of humans are to be honest. Especially those who are sensitive, different or misfits…
That’s cool Shell. The words were kind. I’m guessing in a subconscious way they may have been helpful. I still think if I make my exit it will be somewhat impulsive and out of my control. I guess I didn’t post on here to say I had definite plans but the fact I have a suicide ideology kind of scares me. Sometimes the thought of them finding me swinging from a tree at the end of a rope is overwhelmed by the depression pain I’m feeling. A little bit larger inheritance to my siblings sounds like a good trade off for not having me around. It was a particularly bad week in business and a large part of it is my lack of marketing success and general negative perspective caused by the assholes in my industry who I thought were my friends. I’m guessing they’d pretend to have feelings and sensitivity if I took myself out even though they seem to get off watching me fail.
I’m on the other side of that mirror. I’m the big-breasted dark-haired woman that’s been celibate for seven years. And I’m only 28. Long story short, they love my humor, brains, motivation, looks, but don’t find me attractive. I was even married but it was never consummated. There’s always an excuse for why they won’t touch me.