I’ve lived a good life. Well at least up until this year. But overall it has been a decent and happy life. I am seventeen years old and am a senior in high school. I have parents and friends who love me. At the beginning of this school I had a headache that shaped my life up until this point. The headache was incredibly intense and lasted for fourteen days without a break. Constant pain. I thought it would never end. After the fourteenth day I cried from happiness. It was finally gone and i could go back to my life normally, or at least i thought i could. At that point I had a girlfriend who i cared for a lot. She cared for me too but had odd ways of showing it. She also had a pride complex. She would never tell me what was wrong when she was upset because she felt like she could overcome it herself. I can understand this but it really took a lot out of me due to my love for her and her well being. It’s hard to sit back and watch your loved ones eating away at themselves without being able to help them. and i did love her a lot, but i never told her that because i didn’t feel that it was mutual due to the odd ways she would express her care for me. She would be really rude to me and expect me to be fine with it because she knew that she cared about me and liked me, but it was hard to see that when she often times didn’t express her care at all. But enough with that. The headache ended and I was happy for a day, but the next day i went to school and grew weary and sad. I didn’t know what was coming over me. During lunch hour I went to my girlfriends house with two of her friends to eat with her because it was right by the school we go to. The whole time i was dragging behind brooding and feeling like shit. When we entered her house i just felt like sitting alone in the living room. I didn’t understand why i was upset, and when she came up and asked me i had nothing to say. Turns out i had developed clinical depression. I don’t know if i have always had it and the headache triggered it, or something just got messed up in my brain, but since the day i got better from the headache i have been battling with depression and anxiety on top of my already problematic insomnia issues. A week after christmas i broke up with the girl i loved to try to fix my life and emotions with a clear head. i felt like not being together would make some of the fog lift on my current situation. It wasn’t as though i didn’t love her anymore… I just felt like this was what i needed. I explained this all to her and she seemed to understand, but over time she grew bitter and started to despise me. This was my life for approximately four months. Most of the days i would spend at least four hours depressed and anxious and always find reasons to hate myself. I truly regret breaking up with her. In hindsight, she was just about all I had to live for, and by the time i figured that out, she already hated me. I just got worse and worse. Hating life more by the day. Trying to find a reason to live. The depression was deep and painful and most nights I would go home and lay in bed for hours thinking about suicide and how nice it would be to just let go. Contemplating. I had to do something. With my remaining mental integrity I brought myself to talk with my ex girlfriend. And slowly over the past few weeks i’ve been building a friendship and trying to clarify my life with her. I have told her exactly how i feel about her and what i’ve done and how ashamed i am. I have never stopped liking her since we broke up but it turns out she likes me too. All the constant sadness and reflection seemed so meaningless. Everything seemed unreal. I would dream about her most nights, dream about reconciling and becoming friends again. Dream about at least making up with her. and here i am, In love again. She likes me and that is most likely as far as it goes, but still just knowing that we are ok makes me want to cry with happiness. I spent three days without one minute of depression. That is a high score considering the rest of this year. These past few days haven’t been so great though. I still have my depression, and am less of a person due to the constant self destruction I have put myself through this year. I used to be comfortable with myself but am now far from that. The smallest things seem to upset me and set me off into more bouts of sadness. I truly have just made myself a hopeless being that can’t enjoy life. My ex girlfriend doesn’t want to get back together or make our “thing” public because she would be embarrassed. This hurts but I deserve far worse. My thoughts and contemplations of suicide have been returning and are starting to sound very appealing again. I have been considering hanging myself or subjecting myself to excessive amounts of CO. This deep pain just won’t go away no matter how hard I try and there is nothing i can turn to anymore. I am hanging by a thread and thoughts of suicide tend to be my more comfortable thoughts.
There’s my story in a nutshell. I might be gone any day now but I really don’t care at this point. I just wish people didn’t care about me so much so it wouldn’t hurt them so bad when I go.