Hello Jesus
It’s been a long, long time
I hope that you still know me,
I’ve been hiding quite a while
I know that you know all things
Still, I think I should explain,
The reason I’ve been hiding
is because of all the shame.
I know that I don’t look so great
For meeting up with you
But I hope you understand
I’ve been alone since I was five.
You probably see the dirt marks
And smudges on my face
But it seems no matter how I try
Some things can’t be erased.
They say that eyes are windows
That peer into the soul.
I’m afraid to that if you look there,
You’ll find it dark and cold.
I’m not sure why it is, Lord,
But you won’t see my tears.
I guess they’ve just been locked up
Inside me all these years.
I know that limp and lifeless
Is my unruly hair.
I guess that’s just what happened
When no one really cares.
And if you ask a question
I won’t have much to say.
I’ve found that no one really wants
To hear me anyway.
And if you care to listen,
Sit quiet and you’ll hear
How hard my heart is pounding.
That’s because of all the fear.
You’ll notice that I wrap my arms
Around me all the time.
I do that for protection
Of the innocents that should be mine.
See, not so very long ago,
Without an ounce of care,
Someone took away from me
Things I never meant to share.
And if you find I tremble
When you come close to me,
It’s because of all the dreadful things
That someone did to me.
Jesus I’m so sorry
If these things have saddened you.
But when I cried out to you
You never told me what to do.
I know that in my mother’s womb
You created me
And I can’t help but wonder
Is this what I was meant to be?
They say that you are everywhere,
With each and every one,
But it seems that on those dark nights
You left me all alone.
They tell me that you love me
And I suppose it’s true,
But Jesus, please remember
That he said he loves me too.
4 comments
This poem really really touched me, I can relate to it very much.
I completely lost my ability to pray in my darkest moments, but still hung on to the idea that others would pray for me.
Let me just say, that when you feel completely abandoned even by God, Jesus too has experiences this, when he died and cried out “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me”. So even Jesus as God’s son felt at that stage abandoned, even though he was not, really.
Jesus can see the tears even if you hide them from everybody else, and he understands your fears. And even though you feel abandoned, your are not.
For some reason God has not really answered my prayers to lift this illnesses of depression and PTSD from me, but he has responded in many other ways, sending so many kind people my way to help me. There maybe a reason for this, maybe there is something I still need to learn, so I can lift myself out of my hole. Can you see that happening for you as well? I hope so.
I completely understand what you are saying. I do see it happening in my life as well. I have still been unable to get past my issues, but the people that have been placed in my life are great as well. They are truly amazing and stick with me through everthing!
I am so glad to hear that. So I hope that all those other poems, where you picture yourself “six-feet-under” will remain phantasies?!
I indulge in them as well, and then it turns into mental torture, and there is always a certain risk of them becoming reality, but I don’t want to let those evil men who abused me win. That’s one of the reasons why I am still fighting to get better.
Peace to you!
I don’t have as many days where I wish to die, now that I am finding God again and have people in my life who love and support me. I do however still hae days when I am very depressed, and sometimes suicidal; but the thought of actually acting upon those thoughts is never there anymore. I no longer want to act on them!
I have been told that it may be theraputic to share my writings and to my help others realize that they are not alone and there is always someone else out there that suffers.
I only hope that anyone reading my wirtings knows that they are not alone and that they can speak out because other people have suffered and continue to suffer.