I don’t really know how to tell anyone these things but I’m at breaking point, I can’t find comfort from the only two people who stick by me…
I’m fifteen years old and I get bullied every day at school for being ‘Emo’ I don’t understand why. They don’t know my past..
When I was younger my Mom and Dad would argue a lot, I’d end up crying myself to sleep wishing that they could just get along, That was until my Dad started hitting me, at first it would be on rare occasions then it was every night. I was so scared even now I’m scared of people. This went on till I was ten when I got my first boyfriend, He was abusive as well and I was constantly in tears. My second boyfriend was worse, At first we were best friends, childhood sweethearts. Despite his parent’s addiction to drink and drugs he was always happy. Then a month or two into our relationship he turned abusive, he kept hitting me and calling me ‘Worthless’ ‘Good for Nothing’. He eventually started stealing bottles of alchohol and drugs from his parents and forcing me to take them too. He carried on this way for a full year until he got bored, then he walked away, left me with nothing but an addiction and broken promises. No body understood how much I loved him, they didn’t care that after everything he put me through I was still in love with him. A year or so after he left I got into another relationship, This time the guy was one of the ‘good’ guys but my heart was still to broken and I eventually broke off. I decided to stay clean after that, having battled the addiction and heartbreak I had turned to what is now my ‘Emo’ looks. I thought the bad stuff was over, I thought my life would pick up but it didn’t. Two years later and I was in another relationship, the guy seemed pretty okay but I was so wrong. My first night at his house he started acting really weird. I knew something was wrong but I stupidly ignored it, it was only after we had dinner that I realised my mistake…Realised that this guy wasn’t with me for who I was. Before I knew what was happening he tied me to his bed, the ropes were so tight…I couldn’t escape, I tried to scream out but his hand covered my mouth gagging me…he raped me. I’ve felt so sick even to this day that I can’t talk to people, I can’t trust people anymore. I’ve been battling depression for 5 years now, I don’t eat right either because I get bullied and slagged from everything like ‘Emo’ to ‘Fat’. I’ve tried suicide four times, I’ve tried drowning myself, suffocating myself and I self-harm because I hate myself so much. No body cares that I’m falling deeper and deeper into a dark empty space. I can’t love anyone anymore because I’m haunted by my past, I can’t enjoy myself because I feel there is nothing left to live for…That i’m better off dead. I don’t want to feel this way, I want to be happy again but I can’t stop crying myself to sleep everynight and lying to my two only friends saying i’m ‘okay’. I’m not but I can’t afford to get help, I’m scared the kids at school will bully me more if I do. I guess in all I feel ‘Worthless, Good for nothing’ not to mention trapped in a nightmare. I just want to escape all this pain. And now there is a ‘War on Emo’ in my school. Everybody who is remotley ’emo’ is getting picked on, beaten up or forced to listen to other music. It’s bringing me closer to really taking my life…That’s why now, I’m posting this here…I don’t want to die..
8 comments
I used to think the bullies were invincible when I was your age but people older would say that they were weak and pathetic. Now that I am older I understand how true that is. This is a rough time in your life but everyone goes through it and it’s a learning experience. It’s not about physical strength, is about becoming mentally aware.
Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind when I go back to school tomorrow! Maybe it’ll stop me feeling like it’s my fault that they bully me 🙂
Life is awesome. Don’t let other people make it seems bad to you. Have you ever been to the Great Walls of China? The view is amazing. What about eating Peking Duck? It’s like the best thing ever. If you haven’t done any of those, you can’t give up on your life.
Your school environment seems very bad. If you are getting bullied, then you should talk to your parents, teachers, councillors, principles, and even the freakin’ telephone lady in the school office. Right now, bullying is such a hot issue in north america, I’m pretty sure your school will do something about it to help you.
If that wasn’t enough, ask your parents to move to new school, move to new state, or even move to a new country. If you really can’t move, ask your parents for home schooling.
As for that rape incidence, you should contact the police about it. Hiding it inside you will make you remember and hurt forever. Only letting it out and telling people ( parents, teachers, police ) about it, will you be able to move on from it.
Hope this helps.
Thanks it really does help but I can’t talk to my parents, they’re the reason for my depression in the first place. Mainly my dad and the school knows about my bullying issues they just dont want to help cause I don’t fit the ‘Schools Expectations’. I really do appriciate your advice tho…I shall try and talk more to people.
I am soooo sorry email me if you need to yellow.girl94@yahoo.com I think that you need help and that it should come from a friend not just a post… please hang in there
i cant stand bullies. all i can say is stand up for yourself. i understand that the confidence and strength is no where insight as youre being bullied. but if not for yourself, then for every kid whos been picked on for what clothes they wear, or food they eat, or whatever. stand up and fight. doesnt have to be physical. start coming up with insanely crazy and quick remarks to say. and as for the rape guy. i’d chop his dick off and stick it up his ass, take it out and see if he likes ass to mouth. then feed it to him, have him defecate it, then feed it to him cause obviously he does not deserve to have one.
My dear! I am so sorry I started to cry the more I read your story. My name is michele and I am 21 years old. I feel I am at a loss for words because I want to say the right words to make u feel better but I don’t know if I will say them well enough. I so deeply sympathize for you and although my own experiences are vastly different from yours I still feel your pain. When I was young my mom my dad my grandma and grandpa died and I was all alone. When I was in 6th grade I started dressing all black and in highschool I was known as an “emo” and I only had a few friends who were like me. My entire school saw me as “weird” I started smoking cigarettes and weed every day (I still smoke weed ever day it can help cope) my junior year I was suspended for 3 weeks for getting caught with adderall. I cried every day and wished I could take away all the terrible things that happened to me in my life. I’ve been going into one abusive relationship to another and was at one point raped.
I just want to tell you that I have felt what u are feeling and when I was your age and didn’t know any better I tried to hurt myself with drugs and cutting. But now that I am a few years older I have learned so much that I want to tell you and I really hope u read this.
You may wish that you could take all those experiences back but you can’t. You have to find a way to live with them because they make up who you are and where you come from and that is what you learn from and grow from.
Life will never be easy no matter if u have parents don’t, if u have been abused or havnt. Everyone in highschool is insecure, they want to fit or belong and by doing that they put others down. People against emo just want to make themselves feel better but they are no better than you at all. They are just trying to fit in and make themselves feel better about their own situations in life. Now that I am out of highschool I know for a fact that you will never see those people ever again. You will never care about highschool even if it feels so important to you right now. I want to tell you from my own experience what is important for you.
Don’t listen to anyone in highschool because they have no idea. Listen to elders and teachers because they will help guide you as best as they can. My mistake in highschool was having the wrong friends. Because I was scene and emo I only had a small group of friends who were into drinking and taking pills. Once I got out of highschool I saw that all those people who were my “friends” ard now just bums and loosers who will never go anywhere in life. At your age it is so important to take care of your body while your brain is still developing so please stay away from alcohol and stay away from drugs and if your not already a cigarette smoker don’t start. If you need to cope with stress and anxiety try to ask your doctor about medical marijuana. The worst thing you can do is self medicate with bad drugs and if u can’t get weed from a doctor try to keep it on the down low so that you don’t ruin ur record by getting arrested. If your only few friends are bringing you down with drugs try your best to get away from them.
Once your out of highschool you can go to a community college where you will never see those highschool people again. In college there will be 100s of emo people who like the same music as you and who are positive and goal oriented. You want to think about your future. Now that ur in highschool try using resources at your school to help you get financial aid for college and help you fill out your college application. Try to take your attention away from your classmates and just pay attention to your teachers and homework. I had to learn that the hard way, I barley graduated but when I did I made it to college and found that life was so much better. I abandoned my looser druggie friends who will never go to college or will have good jobs or careers. once you get out of highschool I relize that none of those people matter. Also once you turn 16 you can get a part time job which is cool because u can make money to buy cool things and gain experience at the same time. Getting a job will also help keep u away from the wrong people. You want to think about what life will be like if u graduate college and get paid on a good salary, u will have money to buy a car a house or what ever u want.
Protect and cherish your body. I now cringe at the thought of taking a drug, because the brain is such a miraculous thing that keeps us alive and makes us who we are, why jepordize that. Drinking alcohol kills your brain cells and can put u in danger. Why would anyone want to do that? Also cherish your body in the sense that you are young and getting sexually involved can be dangerous. There is HIV herpes warts and syphilis and you don’t want to ruin your life by contracting those. They are very real and very common so please know your parter, ask them to get tested and always use a condom incase they have cheated on u and havnt told u.
If u are like me at all you might like some of the sane music I did when I was your age. Music was my therapy and it made me who I was. If ur interested some of my favorite artists are “The Devil Wears Prada” “the Flaming Tsunamis” and “Norma Jean” If ur ever board u can Cheak out those bands they are all pretty cool I have seen them all live and actually met Devil Wears Prada. Don’t let anyone tell u what style is ok and not of u can listen to any music of dress however u want. You don’t have to take all of it bit atleast take some of my advice.
Be safe
-Michele
I hope you didn’t do anything to yourself and your still fighting. You I know I sat in front of my computer, frustrated and tired, typed “i can’t do this anymore” and i reached here. When i read your blog i was nearly in tears. I feel for you. I don’t know what i’d do if i was in your place, because only few minutes ago i wanted to give up and kept saying i cant do this anymore repeatedly in my head. We keep struggling with this feeling and convince ourselves that it’ll get better in a month, a year, but sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it stays the same and sometimes it gets worse. Sometimes i just wish someone would just tell me if my life is going to get better or not and just put me out of my misery, but it doesn’t work that way. I just want you to know, that i may have not been through the same things you have, but i have also had countless moments when i have just wanted to be someone else, not me! i know what its like to hate yourself, call yourself worthless, second guess yourself everytime because you dont think your good enough.While i know i don’t have the answers, none of them save one. Ending your life is never the answer. You have to fight, you have got to! Fight for yourself! and no one can do it alone, you need people to talk to. If there is anyone you trust, give them a chance to be there for you… if not that, you know what i’m here, you can talk to me. And about the guy who raped you, you can’t keep that to yourself, please please! It’ll haunt you forever if you do. Talk about it and go forward with it. If not for yourself, do it to put that bastard in jail where he belongs so that he never does it to any other girl.Your only fifteen, your life doesn’t end here, its only beginning. Your a brave girl to survive this far, don’t give up now. Your life will change, you can get away from your parents from this life and start a fresh in college. You don’t know where your life will lead you, the people you will meet. I know you have met some abusive, pathetic people but not everyone in the world is like them. Some people are good and caring too, someday you’ll see. You said you did meet a good guy, but you him pushed away. Don’t do that… let yourself heal go through happiness, you deserve it. Who knows maybe in 5-10 years you’ll be a totally different person, in a different place with a whole set of loved ones and you are gradually learning to come in terms with the hurt. All I’m saying is, I know its horrible, but don’t give up just yet.If you ever wanna talk, my id is divyarain91@gmail.com