I hate myself

I’m Angry today I just want to scream but I’m bottling everything inside like I always do. It’s my mom I can only hope she never feels the way she makes me feel so invalid, and useless, fat, ugly, and horrible just rotten and hopeless and a failure. I keep thinking about trying to kill myself again Bur doing it right this time like jumping off a bridge or hanging myself. I get angrier with myself everyday I look in the mirror and I just want to tear it down and never see my reflection again. I hate myself right now Im avoiding seeing everyone in mylife because I don’t want people to see me like this. I’m sinking deeper and I know this time im not getting out. I feel like one understands me like everyone is against me. I wish I could just wake up and stop feeling this way but I’ve felt like this for so long I don’t know how I would feel if these feelings went away. My dreams every night are endless sagas of horrors and torture sometimes I wake up screaming, although when I wake up it’s not much better. I Can’t remember the last time I had a good nights sleep and had a good dream. I wish there was a pill for the ones I’m taking.