I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My insides feel shattered, I don’t know how to escape. Always writhing in constant agitation, falling asleep is hell. This world is torture. I hate this universe so much it suffocates me. Everything is wrong. I need to get rid of this loathing, it’s only hurting me. I need to let go of everything I’m holding on to, the past isn’t worth ruining the future. It mesmerizes me how some people can be so strong to carry on through such madness, all for the meaningless pit of life. How do they find the motivation? Why do they? Life is pain, but I don’t know about death.
I don’t know why I’m like this or how I’m supposed to make sense of it. I’ve (guiltily) had sadistic fantasies since I was a child. My best dreams are the ones where I’m being chased or tortured or killed. When I’m out in public I’m often either anxious and self-conscious or casually nursing violent thoughts towards others. I was on a plane last night wishing that it would crash and kill everyone on board.
But I’m not going to hurt anyone, not unless they consent to it. So there’s nothing wrong with being like this, right? Is it okay if I quietly enjoy my sadomasochistic tendencies to their fullest extent? Do I have to feel guilty about it? The rest of life doesn’t have that much meaning to me thanks to my depression. But this can give even my depression a small measure of meaning.
Because I kind of like the idea that by masochistically persevering in the face of pointlessness and isolating pain, I’m being a real cool badass. Except that then, I’m buying into my sadomasochistic delusions. I know that it’s just me being myself, but I don’t know how to accept it. And I’m sure the fact that I’m like this is part of what’s contributing to my depression. Someone like me isn’t really supposed to exist.
Maybe I’m just asking permission to disappear into my own head where there are no rules or guarantees. If I give in and become the things I enjoy, will the other parts of my life start to slip? Will I be any colder towards others? Or will I be able to look out benevolently from my fortress of solitude (complete with a torture dungeon), and be (or pretend to be) a Normal Human Being when I’m not immersed in my dysfunction?
Sorry. I feel like a mistake. I’m trying to do my best with it. People seem to like me, which means I’m doing a good job. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to engage with them the way they are with me. I don’t think I’m coming from the same place they are. I don’t care about what they care about. I don’t feel like I can share in their happiness.
Well, maybe I’m not that different from them. This sadomasochism obsession is a little distracting, maybe it’s making it hard to realize the truth. I just want to know whether it’s okay to be myself.
This past weekend seemed miserable much of the time but later last night i had another good moment and talk with the guy I love. Im trying not to takke it personally. So he doesnt believe I’m really attracted to him because I’m the only person who is and he feels shitty about himself for being fat. He has a lot against being fat, and is stuck on society’s opinions of stick thin equals beauty. So he showed me pictures of himself when he was 200 lbs vs being 290-300 as I’ve known him. He does look a bit different but hes still amazingly gorgeous and one in a billion. I told him that getting to be with him would be luckier than winning the lottery because in comparison, lots of people win the lottery but there aren’t as many drop dead grogeous amazing guys like him on the planet. I think he might have understood that. But i didnt have the guts to say to him, just lwt me lick every inch of your body already! Lol
But its torture to have been next to him so many times, every weekend together, and not being able to touch him at all. I mean, it’s hard as hell to not just caress his arm once. Or rest my hand on his arm for a second, or kiss him on the shoulder or back just one time… I mean I’m sleeping next to the love of my life and i can’t touch him. I know im ugly as sin but god damn I would be the best thing for him and we could be good together. SIGH. 🙁
Some people turn to physical self harm. Mostly this works for them. Mostly it works for me. I mean, it used to.
I’ve gotten better at this self torture thing. I don’t even need the physical aspect of it anymore. I don’t have to hide palpable injuries now.
Instead I have my mind. I can bring my mistakes and pains up to the surface faster than a blink of my eye. I know it all better than I know the palm of my hand.
Because really, I don’t even know the palm of my hand anymore.
Can someone please help me end this? This is ridiculous.
For me to have the strength to end it all, i would have to have some motivation. If I had any motivation to do anything, I would cling to it. I would survive.
At this very moment, though, I only have the precious remnants of it. I’m drunk, so there’s some dopamine or some other shit in my system letting me be enough of a human to write this. Letting me be a man. A man which is strong enough to send a hopeless and desperate cry for help.
I work 50 hours a week and I give my hard-earned money away just to be able to dream about having enough money to somehow end this pathetic caricature of a real life.
This is prison. This is torture. This is the ultimate joke and the ultimate human experience at the same time.
Nature is cruel as it is, but to experience its injustice with a “virtue” of a human brain…To even remotely grasp the horror we actually live in…Then to experience the worst outcome and the biggest sorrow imaginable…Just to understand that even those horrific experiences and those awful feelings of dread and hopelessness were a blessing. A blessing compared to what “I” now “feel” everyday. Emptiness. Nothingness.
Tears dropped when I first understood that even my understanding of hopelessness can pass. And now dread is upon me, because those tears stopped. Almost.
I need to end this until I “sleep”.
Throughout my life I have been hated,
despite my efforts of approval of others.
Pushing myself beyond my limitations,
it was never enough, not even for my parents.
Abused, and bullied, I was never loved nor needed.
Rented to mental hospitals,
only to be tortured and experimented on.
No memories of happiness are inside my head,
only frequent reminders of hate.
No friends or moments of joy nor compassion.
Nothing to live for, no hope, no dreams, no desires.
I have nothing in my wake and even in my sleep,
the nightmares are there to hurt me more.
I end my life on this promising note.
I shall end the nightmares,
I shall end the pain,
I shall end the suffering,
I shall stop caring anymore.
Forever gone from this world, I shall be,
For once, I will be at peace with heavenly tranquility.
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NoteStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I am a 14 year old teenager, depressed and suicidal. I know this may sound stupid but does anyone know any pills that will make me pass out if I overdose? I am not exactly trying to kill myself, just a way of revealing my pain to my parent without having to actually talk to them, but let’s just say I wouldn’t care if I died overdosing.
I know I will receive lots of “don’t do this” “you don’t deserve life” and “you’re worth it” but I don’t believe any of that. I hate my life and myself so much, I don’t think anything or anyone can change this. So please, spare me the sweet comments about how everything will get better and I should stay strong because I can’t, I am a weak person who cannot handle anything anymore.
I am heartbroken by how many lives suffer daily. Abused, tortured, bullied… I often just want to leave the earth and take man kind along with me, but I can’t.
I am making this post to say to all people, non matter where you are, if you have mixed feelings if you should kill yourself. Then speak to me.
I used to be suicidal myself. My life was luckily good. I had education, middle class, but my head. My head killed me constantly. Causing me to injure myself to get it to stop. I am better. Kinda, and I decided that I want to spend my time helping people just like me. Different then others.
I will listen to your stories of grief and pain and why you want to go. It’s never your fault. Suicide never is the persons fault. But if you are unsure of killing yourself. Please let me try to make you feel better. I can never stop your from committing suicide. But if you want to hold on I can help you.
I hope you will give this a chance. I want to spend my life saving others. Weather a human, dog, or any other animal. I will hold on. I will remain strong. And I want other too. We will all do this together.
I was told it was going to get better. But, it is considered better if it still lasted 5 years. Where ever I go, I visualize different ways to kill myself with the objects around me. I tried to use my “imagination of my death” in my horror stories of torture. Its gets me to wonder if I really want to torture myself to death because of my self hatred or fall asleep to my death. This goes through my head everyday.
what the fuck? chemicals affect behavior? no fucking way, the data is wrong, the scientists are stupid. look, here is the truth: what do BABIES do? fucking nothing. then when they hurt, they start crying screaming hellfire torture. they don’t DO anything, except scream when they hurt. babies KNOW the TRUTH. everything you do is LEARNED, it is sensed through PERCEPTION. a blind baby cannot see, so they CANNOT perceive things through eyes, so functionally sight is a LIE to them. they are TOLD that others can see, they have NO WAY of knowing except for your words to them. everything is LEARNED, everything is conceptualized and perceived. if you WERE NOT TAUGHT ABOUT LOVE, you WOULD’NT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. the TRUTH is that there is NOTHING, NO HAPPINESS, NO DEPRESSION, NO ANGER, NO BIRTHDAYS, NO CHRISTMAS, NO PMS, NO LUST OR CRUSHING, NO SEX DRIVE, NO MEN, NO WOMEN, NO HOMOSEXUALITY OR HETEROSEXUALITY, NO SUICIDAL THINKING, NO SCHIZOPHRENIA, NO BDSM, NO ICE SKATING, NO BROTHER IN ARMS, NO CODES OF CONDUCT, NO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING …
THEY ARE FUCKING TAUGHT.
schizophrenics have been TAUGHT, for at least a microsecond, that there are GOOD things, and there are BAD things, and so when they are SEDUCED by what is considered BAD, then all hell breaks loose and their thought processes are LABELED MENTAL ILLNESS, A DISEASED MIND THAT NEEDS TO BE TREATED. to be DEPRESSED is to SEE the TRUTH, that NOTHING MATTERS IN THIS WORLD.
the ONLY thing that matters is PAIN. PAIN FUCKING HURTS. PLEASURE or feeling good are DELUSIONS, THEY ARE MADE TO BE INDOCTRINATED INTO EVERY NEW HUMAN THAT IS CREATED. when you EJACULATE, when you CLIMAX, when you EAT A CHEESEBURGER when you are HUNGRY, when you DRINK WATER when you are THIRSTY, when you are KISSING SOMEONE, when you HUG SOMEONE, when you FEEL AN ADRENALINE RUSH FROM SKYDIVING OR SURFING, when you READ WORDS THAT RESONATE WITH YOU, it IS NOT PLEASURE OR HAPPINESS, it is a DELUSION, it is a REPRIEVE FROM PAIN.
there is PAIN, and there is LESS PAIN. that is the FUCKING TRUTH.
what happens is that NEW HUMANS are TRAINED BY THEIR CARETAKERS, BY THEIR GUARDIANS to BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS GOOD, AND THAT CREATING LIFE IS GOOD. when a PARENT and THEIR CHILD walk into a STARBUCKS together, they are TRAINING you to accept the NORMALCY of the PROGRESSION AND CONTINUATION OF LIFE. the INDOCTRINATION IS DEEP AND INTENSIVE, AND IT IS A DISEASE THAT MUST BE TREATED. DEATH is the ONLY CURE. DEATH is UTOPIA where there is NO PAIN. SUICIDE is FUCKING HARD to do because it is PAINFUL and because YOU KNOW WHAT IS COMING.
SUICIDE IS THE TRUEST, BRAVEST THING POSSIBLE. if we STOP MAKING BABIES, THERE WILL BE NO MORE PAIN. NO PAIN EQUALS UTOPIA.
im a sophmore in highschool, and i have gone through a lot with my mom. My background story is fine nothing wrong as a kid my parents are still together blah blah. But it started in 7th grade. My mom started making me more and more angry as the days went on.. It didnt get real bad until 8th grade though. My mom was driving me to the point where i was suicidal. I didnt want to live here any longer. I attempted, was too scared and gave that attempt up, then about a week later, one of my former good friends decided to take her own life without telling anyone she was struggling. It hit me very hard and i was in denial for about 3 weeks. Her funeral was torture. Ill never forget how she looked laying there… I saw how much it hurt our community, i realized that i didnt want to be remembered that way and i needed help. I told my Mom that i was having problems andthat i was suicidal but instead of getting me help, she told me it was just a phase and that i needed to get over it. I asked her many times if i could go get help from different mental institutions and she turned me down every chance she got. Later in the year she lost a lotttt of weight. Im built, volleyball player and just thick, and when she lost that weight she decided tocome and use my clothing. After a while even my clothes were too big on her. (its not like im fat im size 5 in jeans) she began to then tell me how i was too fat and needed to lose pounds. When i was working out everyday of the week as i play on a national volleyball team year-round. She told me how i needed to lose weight everyday of my life, so, i became bulimic. I lost about 20 pounds within 3 weeks. But my bestfriend noticed and made me stop . So i made a promise to her that i wouldnt do it again… After that about a month later, i was very suicidal again. I attempted again, this time the only thing that saved me was my best friend who talked me out of it. God id be long gone withDout her. After that i was still depressed but not horrible as i had people to talk to. In 9th grade i became more depressed again and my mom and i were fighting more than ever. About everything. My mom is very protective. She reads all my texts and looks at calls and internet and everything. Im not allowed to date or go to parties and some may say its because she “loves me” but i say she doesnt want me to grow up. I need to live. And she wants me to be just like her when iiii do not want to be anything like her. I started seeing my school councelor and vented to her every once in a while and it felt good! But school year ended sooo that option was gone… Im hoping to talk to her again this year.. But im really strugggling right now with just everything… I feel like i need to go bak to throwing up my food every day and bruising myself in order to feel better… I but i really just needed to share my story so whoever read ALL of my boringness and probably wasted your time… Thanks.(: it means a lot to me really… Feel free to comment if you have questions or advice itd mean a ton(:!!!!
When a person is born … what is the purpose behind that birth??? What is the purpose behind mine???? Am I just born to nearly get everything one can want and have it snatched away from me in a second??? being born with calcium deficiency and convulsions… since then it has always been a struggle… I would have died then and there but mom sells her assets to save me… but for what ??? to torture me when i grow up… to prove that i am a mistake in her life… when i din’t have an issue with her marriage… why the sudden change from being loved to being ill-treated and misused???
Is that all life has got to offer to me??? Then dad … left 17 years ago …. got married and never looked back? what happened to all the crap put up on various sites, pages and movies and books… Is that kind of a father daughter relationship a lie??? Is it all a sham? just useless fucking crap? I have everyone and i am alone…. all that i’ve written… every single poem every single story is burnt by my own mother right in front of my eyes… ?????
I want to die… as i should have all those years ago … I promise myself that i will find a way to end this as soon as possible…………………………………………
I promised I won’t do it, so instead I live this torture… knowing I’m unlovable, knowing that I will never understand things the way they should be understood. I’m supposed to pretend everything is ok and my positive outlook will suddenly transform into a positive life… it hasn’t happened yet, so why should I believe it to be true. I don’t want anything anymore, no dreams, no aspirations… when I make promises, I keep them. Once again, I’ve lost nearly everything I hold close to my heart. I don’t want to keep going on like this… but I will, for you, and for them.
My name is praful raj.
I am suffering from torture of this world.
I came on this earth on 24th april 1995Â at 8:10 PM (GMT 5.50).I was born in an Indian state i.e Andhra Pradesh in Telangana region inÂ a city named HYDERABAD.
I want to commit suicide because my mother,father and brother hates me.
BUT i still love them.I am a hard worker.I study very hard to get *** marks.But my family wont support me and they always discourage me.They say me that i dont have any caliber or intelligence.They always join me in an institution in which rote learning is preferred.And i hate rote learning.They dint even provide me basic minimum facilities to learn i.e like a fan in room,chair etc.
AND I BARED THIS ALL.THIS I NOT MY REASON TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
There are many reasons.They always say to all people that i am very bad behaving person,poor student,wasting their money eat a lot. infact i am very thin i dont eat much.my family says me that i use abusive words with them but i dont speak bad words at all.I am exactly unable to describe the tortures i bared.I loved them they hated me.I defended my brother in a violence situation with his friends.When that matter became a pointing point to my family they said public that everything happened because of me .when the mistake was made by my brother.my family dint supported me in anything.
I AIMED FOR A SEAT IN A PRESTIGIOUS COLLEGE AND WORKED HARD FOR IT BUT ID NOT ACHIEVE IT NOT BECAUSE I DINT HAVE A RIGHT APPROACH FOR IT BUT BECAUSE MY PARENTS JUST SAID MEÂ “LOOK AT YOUR FACE IN THE MIRROR”.THERE WAS NO ONE IN MY LIFE TO SUPPORT ME,ENCOURAGE ME,LOVE ME.
PEOPLE LOOK AT MY FACE NOT MY TALENT AND HARD WORK.
I GAVE THIS WORLD LOVE AND IN RETURN GOT SEVERE INJURIES.
I KNOW THERE WILL BE NO ONE TO CRY FOR ME WHEN I DIE.I WANT SOME ONE WHO LOVES ME OR I WANT PEACE BEACAUSE I DINTÂ ACHIEVE ANYTHING.
I WANT TO LIVE BUT I WANT SOME LOVE NO MORE CRUELTY.MY CHILDHOOD HAS BEEN ABUSED.
I WANT SOMEONE WHO CAN GIVE ME ALL THOSE LOVE I LOST.BUT I KNOW THERE WILL BE NO ONE LIKE THAT. NOW MY CHOICE IS TO FIND PEACE WHICH IS POSSIBLE ONLY IF I QUIT
I WILL COMMIT SUICIDE IN JUST TWO TO THREE DAYSÂ BECAUSE I WANT TO TAKE AIR ,WATER ,WALK, TALK RUN WITH JOY AND MAKE ALL THE FALSE STATEMENTS MADE BY MY FAMILY ABOUT ME TRUE.
FINALLYÂ Â I WANT TO SUGGEST THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE TO THINK ABOUT THEIR LIFE BECAUSE I AM THE UNLUCKIEST FELLOW AND THEY ARE SOME WHAT BETTER I CAN BET THAT.EVEN IF MY LIFE WAS SOMEWHAT BETTER I WILL NEVER DO THIS THING……………………. BUT MY LIFE CONDITION IS WORST.
IN MY LIFE I WAS ALWAYS STARVING FOR A LITTLE LOVE AND AFFECTION FOR ME BUT MY LUCK IS VERY HARD.
I DONT BLAME ANYONE FOR MY SUICIDEÂ Â I JUST WROTE ABOVE ALL TO SAY HOW I FELT ABOUT THEIR TRATMENT TO ME
I cannot go five minutes without thinking about commiting suicide. Â I dont know what to do. Â Have started on medications and counselling, but it only seems to be getting worse. Â I am so lonely where i live, but my parents are dependent on me and hence cannot die.
I am not in a prison, yet i feel like i am solitary confinement most of the time. Â I go to office every week day, gym almost every day. Â Yet, when I return to my lonely house, I feel like i am getting locked up in a prison.
I just need someone to talk to without them judging me. Â Please someone help.
Everyone has to die one day, then why should wait for your death. It is better to take your life by your own way, a less painful death. Why should wait for some miserable disease like cancer. And most importantly if you are so hopeless that you don’t even want to wake in the morning. You wish that you never been born at first place. You don’t have a single person in your life to trust, to share your pain. When you are back stab by your best friend, cheated by your girlfriend, watching your father died with cancer. When the nightmares don’ let you sleep. You so afraid to meet outside world that you think everyone is going to use you for their own good. You are losing your own identity, want to run away from this world. Every second of your life is a 3rd degree torture for you.
I continuously listen Bring Me The Horizon’s song ‘Sempiternal’. Every lyric, every phrase I understand, and relate to. I really am going nowhere, and the scary thing is, I just don’t care. I’ve lost all interest in even the slightest exciting thing in my life. I use to be a great sportswoman. I played for my local soccer club, swimming 3 times a week, and did Taekwondo for around 3 years. I was sooo happy and people often mistaken me for having ADHD, due to my hyper exciting personality. Wow, I miss it. The thing is, something changed. something happened, and it was almost as sudden as someone flicking a switch in my emotions. It wasn’t a normal teenage change.. When I turned 14, in year 2010. My whole world was turned upside down. In high school, I was a nobody, completely invisible. Even teachers found it hard to acknowledge my existance in class. ‘Friends’ were always too busy to hang with me, I did have a few close friends that I hung out with but they just weren’t my type of people… my type of people… we’re losers. I started skipping school to hang out with the ‘cool people’ to get away from the daily torture of bullies in my own class. Â I didn’t care what I was doing just as long as I didn’t have to sit in class, listening to the countless names and paper being chucked at me. Of course the teachers were completely naive to any of this bullying, and if I ever retaliated, I was the person who was bad, I was causing a ‘disruptance’ in the class. So more and more each day I began to skip school. We’d skip school to go get high. It was the best feeling in the world as soon as I exhaled, all of my worries, negativity and anger suddenly left my mind. Temporarily. This soon became a daily occurance, and I’d even find myself anticipating the moment the bell rang for end of school, so my ‘friends’ and I could go do drugs in the bush. The novelty soon began to wear off, and my grades and performance in class was getting worse each week. Of course it was seen by my parents and teachers as ‘rebellious’ behaviour, so I was sent to the guidance counsellor. Because of my fake ‘friends’ and the addiction to drugs which developed due to escaping the daily harrasment in class, problems began to build up and I began to cut myself to find physical relief from the emotional pain I was feeling. I regret that first cut, and If I could I would go back to that day and make sure that blade never touched my skin. This started the ultimate turmoil and downwards spiral into a depression which I have yet to escape. To cut the two years spent at that school short: wagging, drugs, unprotected sex, and complete and utter disrespect somes up my time at high school. Until one day, I was expelled for an incident, I will open up about later. ( I have yet to accept it myself and have been denying it for 3 years). Upon leaving the school and being placed in a transition programme, which is connected to the treatment centre where I had been receiving therapy. I though this was my escape. I felt happy for awhile and thought this ‘phase’ was over. I was wrong. It only made matters worse, because of course when you are under 16, you still have to be enrolled in a school. So off to the new high school on my first day, I already had a plan thought out in my head: Keep your head down, don’t speak unless spoken to, focus on your work and don’t fuck up. I developed selective mutism and found it utterly agonising to be forced to speak with my fellowr classmates, or teachers. Some accepted they were not going to get a word out of me, so they left it at that. Others thought it would be a great opportunity to pick on the new kid. ”Are you deaf?, oi fuckwit?,” ”why don’t you speak loser?”, ”she’s too dumb to speak”. just a few greetings some guys from my class thought was appropriate. In my second year of high school, things started to improve. I had a best friend, a group of great friends, or so I thought. It was the popular girl’s birthday and practically everyone was invited. ”Of course you can come,” everyone told me. So I waited for the invitation, it never came. Â That week I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder with psychotic features. I felt so scared to be alone and was excited that I had been invited to a party, I went shopping for a dress and whole outfit, I took my meds without fuss and began settling into this new diagnosis, glad that people still accepted me for who I am. But the next day after the party absolutely everyone was shoving it in my face, saying I Just wasn’t fun enough to be at a party. From then on I received cold shoulders, excuses and utter rudeness. There goes my group of friends, my best friend of course couldn’t be friends with me, because she was given the ultimatum between me or their group. The rest of the year went really slowly, I woke up everyday depressed and disappointed that I had to go back to that place, the teachers treated me like shit and my guidance counsellor kept wanting to talk about my past which I absolutely hate and regret and am sick to death of discussing my feelings. Somehow the news of me being expelled from my old school, and why got around my new school. I received death stares and looks of horror from people I didn’t even know, some people though gave me high fives and said they wish they had the courage. Anyways the rest is boring, I failed year 12 and could not stand going back for 13. So I enrolled in a tec course. Thinking I’d be entering a mature and friendly environment. I was dead wrong. I myself never got directly involved in pathetic drama, but somehow it found it’s way to me. stupid.childish.drama. The stress of being forced to take sides, and provide constant support for those in the drama aswell as trying to look after my own well being, my mental health of course was neglected. I unfortunately have the problem of caring too much for other people and making sure they are okay, but not myself. The immense pressure i was put under daily, having to mediate fights, and pathetic arguments, and remembering who has done what, my psychotic features began to appear. I began to neglect my appearance, and care for my own safety, I literally began to lose my mind, and still am. So this is where my story currently is and Â I am just so lost in this world it feels so surreal. It’s never ending I don’t feel real and feel too fatigued to even kill myself. Everyday It becomes more and more harder to differentiate between what’s real and what isn’t. Being told to kill yourself, yet not knowing if it is real is the most terrifying thing ever. My parents don’t understand I just don’t care anymore, and hope one day that I give in to my demons and end this life. I know that I won’t get better, this dark hole just keeps getting deeper and darker , It’s gotten to a point where antidepressants are basically sugar pills. My anti-psychotic meds have horrible side effects and to be honest I have become comfotable with the thought that with these voices I am never alone. even if they tell me to hurt myself and others. It may sound crazy but I am torn between life and death and lately, I just feel so numb that I don’t even know if I will get out of this depression so I think my best solution is to kill myself.
Everyone is running, making progress, enjoying life and achieving a lot but i don’t feel like achieving anything. Life has become miserable, everyday is just more worse than the previous one. I tried a lot during the past 7 years to cope with it but i failed.
No confidence to do anything, life seems to be like a continuous torture, my creativity and working capability has just come to an halt. In this condition I am losing on every ground whether it is job, relations or anything else. Life feels like a monster, people have fear of death but i m having fear of life. Every moment a voice from inside is instructing to finish it at all.
No hope, no light, no power to do anything. Just gloom and darkness everywhere. I failed on every ground. I am a burden on my family as well as on society. I want not to see another day.
I am 18 and have felt suicidal for over 5 years. in that time i have spoken to about 7 different counsellors and psychologists and although at times they have kept me alive rather by calming down that particular situation or putting me into a mental health ward.
I dont want their help anymore, i have accepted that i am suicidal and believe that i am going to kill myself, i want to do it . The only thing is i should have done it a long time ago. years ago. Ive been so close to doing it but i was always pulled back from the edge.
I really want to do it now, ive had enough. Ive unintentially driven alot of my friends, i cant help it but they cant deal with how i am. What makes me happy is thinking about a person i cared for alot but i cant speak to them anymore, theyre forgeting me and everyone says that i have to forget them to. its torture, i cant stop thinking about him. its too much, im in pain thinking about this person but i cant help thinking about them.
I want to do it so badly but i cant not while he is stuck in my head.