In my adolescent years, I never thought I would make it to 18. Feeling so alone, coming out of the closet at 12, no one to love, to be loved by, to share our love through sex…
I have way to make myself feel better, and they’re pretty foolproof. But as we all know, it gets hard every now and then… That’s when I can pull through the tough times and make it all feel better! But it’s that pulling through that’s the hard part. And what if I do pull through?? What, do all the happy work just to end up in my own hell all over again??? I’m sick of the damn roller coaster we all mock by calling it “life”…
I want nothing in this world more than to fall in love. Sure, make fun if me all you want. I know it sounds crazy, but I really think this is my life’s purpose! And I know that I’m only 19 and the whole “it gets better” message being swung around, and that, “still young and’ll find love soon”. Been told that since I was 13; how long is “soon” anyway??
I’ve suffered from depression for many years and only because I don’t have what I want more than the world itself. I say he’ll, if it’s something I’m willing to kill myself for, it sure as hell must be pretty damn important!
The closest to love I have ever been was falling in love with a man who lived thousands of miles from me in another state… who is much older… and is already partnered… After many months of trying to work out a life together, I no longer have hope for us being together, and no hope to ever finding love. It happens for others so easily, but it just doesn’t work that way for me, and I wish somehow people would understand that!
I’ve wanted to end my life for so long now… From standing on bridges and looking down to holding a knife to my stomach, to venturing out on New Year’s Eve in 2010 to find someone to do it for me because I really just don’t think I have the guts to do it…
Do I want to die? Not if it means I live with the guarantee of finding love, in which I don’t cry for four days straight because the love of my life and I can’t be together, and I don’t feel alone, and it gives me a new impetus, new hope to live again…
I promised him I wouldn’t purposely die.. I think that may be a promise I’ll have to break..
I was once told “a life without love is not a life worth living.” this is the creed to my life, and I follow it into my death…
4 comments
No one will make fun of you here.
At 19 years of age you have lots of time to find all that you need.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of your depression.
You will find yourself in the company of others soon enough.
I wrote a post today called the Queer, a tribute to the added pain of being depressed and coming out.
Read it.
Peace
Falling in love is beautiful.
I think you should fall in love with yourself first and then fall in love with life. You don’t need a boyfriend to be happy. Your happiness does not depend on others.
And believe me you will fall in love so many times in your life that you would say one day: I hate love, but just for a little time, because love is like a drug; you want more and more and every time you wanna get more high.
Don’t give up. U are entitled to happiness.
I am 19 too and i completely understand the state you are in. I have been struggling with the same problem. and i am familiar with other people telling me it is going to be alright since i was like 13. but the only difference is i don t want to feel love, i don t want to feel at all. i wanted to, i remember all those nights crying and whispering to some invisible force that if i would only find love, somebody who cares. that s behind me now because i met so many people now and it feels like i am the only one who can t keep a person beside me more than 2 weeks, than everything starts to fall apart. i tried to end everything this Saturday again but i guess i always survive somehow,it seems the only luck i have is that something is preserving me from death lol. fuck that luck. anywayz i would like to talk to you more. this is my e-mail: traffic_junky@net.hr so feel free to send me a message 🙂