Moving On

So I recently gathered together all of the things from that time in my life–everything that holds negative connotations that came into my life over the past three years, from scissors and razors to the belt from my last attempt and poems and bloody tissues and whatever else–and I put all of this in a shoebox until I’d collected everything. Then I went out with my boyfriend into the back field, and we were looking for a tree to bury it by, when I saw the tree where one of my goats had died (she got her hoof stuck in between two branches and broke her leg in three places and dislocated her shoulder…there was nothing we could do). I burst into tears and decided that was the tree. I dug the hole, and the entire time the sense that I was digging a grave washed over me. I was burying my past. The old me was dead and gone. And letting go began.

I dug most of the hole, with some help from my boyfriend, and then placed each item inside it. The only things I couldn’t put there were my scissors–I was really attached to them, so I asked my boyfriend to. He did, and then I pushed the dirt over it. I started sobbing. The release was incredible. I was really letting go. I was free and no longer burdened by the constant struggle of “to be or not to be” and the desire for bleeding and whatever else. I am very grateful to have someone as supportive as he is, too, and for those of you who think you don’t have someone or won’t, I can promise you will, just keep your heart open and head up. You can get through this. I did and I am still amazed that I’ve made it this far–that I am focused on not only having a future but also making it happen. I want each and every one of you to have a future, too. I want to see you all end up in better places. Just take that first step and reach out to someone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Let go of the things that keep you here. Because you can be free. It’s just a matter of time.