My life right now

Since the day of my birth I have been made fun of for my appearance. Harsh judgement and bad treatment has followed me where ever I go. From hiding in the restroom and faking my own sickness to get away from the bullying in my elementary school, to dreading the visit of relatives from my father’s bloodline due to their constant act of sexual molestation towards me: I now understand how I was screwed up in the head. The only way anyone appreciated me (other than my loved ones) was when I allowed others to touch me in an inappropriate matter. This was the only way to escape the physical abuse from people and feel like I was being loved. Still true to this very day. I don’t have a problem with engaging in sexual intercourse with people I just met. Sometime two years ago I might of said that I was heart broken when I fell in “love” with a boy I spoke to for a few weeks, lost my virginity to him, then experienced the horrific things he made me go through after finding out he was doing the same to another girl. Although I know that somewhere in the mess there were “real” mutual feelings that were love-like, I know that we were never in love. I was just obsessed with the thought that someone I fancied was capable of having feelings towards me and liberating me from my past by showing me how to love and be loved. Instead, he taught me how to hate, and slowly I became bitter and depressed. Not only did he string me along, but after he knew he was done with me and I tried to “move on”, he humiliated me in anyway possible. My ridicule turned a smile on his face. I rarely fought back, but when I did…it wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t until last year when I exploded in his face and unleashed a dark side of me I didn’t know was there. After problems with him, I had problems with his friend. I thought I was able to trust his friend since he always seemed to be there to listen to my problems when I had them. His friend ended up taking advantage of me one day after getting me completely wasted. Right after that incident, he assured me that he wanted to start a relationship with me…I was fooled again. I soon found out he was planning to “get in my pants” since the day we began speaking. Instead of admitting to his faults, he told everyone around him that I was ruining his life by making up lies about him..when I was not speaking out about the subject. I see them around sometimes, and it puts me into shame. Recently I have been having casual sex with a guy I saw at a party and began messaging me. When I try to talk about it to my friends they are confused to why I allow a stranger to use me who knows nothing about me..or ever intends to. Hardly even acknowledges me when I see him in public. This is when it became apparent that I have a problem. Sadly, that’s just a small part of it. I have lost touch with reality. No, I don’t do drugs, I’m just crazy. My traumatizing experiences have made me this way. Years of isolation from people I do not have to talk to have also taken part of my messed up head. I can’t communicate with people well, I’m beyond eccentric, I cant project my voice very much (never have), and I have very bad self-esteem. A few months ago I tried to love myself, but when I showed any sign of confidence I noticed I was being made fun of again, just as I was when i was younger. Hardly anyone had empathy for me and I was made fun of for every small detail about myself.  Im freakishly thin, translucently pale skin due to bad circulation, have a huge nose, an intensely asymmetrical face, huge ears, an apparent adam’s apple, extremely tall, poor skin, I’m overall awkward, and the list goes on and on. I can’t communicate with people because I simply cannot connect with them…I don’t understand how I have the one best friend I do have. She always initiates the conversation and takes charge of it. When I talk, I sound like a stupid crackhead. I can’t even do things that come naturally to everyone else..which I hate myself for. All of these thoughts have been racing through my head for about 3 months now. I’ve come to a conclusion that I am worthless. I’ve attempted to kill myself twice one week ago but couldn’t go through with it. I’ve been planning to sit in the garage and slowly die by inhaling carbon monoxide from my dad’s car,but I have not found the right time. The worst part of this, is that I DO understand the things my family members will go through if this happens..especially my mother. But, if she knew me, I’d be afraid to make her afraid of me. She would hate me for being promiscuous and having no self respect. I’d shame her with my life if I went on with it. I know my families in serious debt right now but I know I’m not helping by being alive either. If I went on with my life I can just sense the great disappointment I’d pour onto anyone because I cannot do ANYTHING right BECAUSE I AM NOT NORMAL AND PROBABLY HAVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF MENTAL DISORDERS. There has been talk of college but I think its cheaper to buy a coffin instead.