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Solace in solitude and impending demise

by U.N. Owen

Go away. I do not want you around. Let me alone. Stop asking what is wrong.

You cannot fix it. Nobody can fix it. No I do not want to see it a different way because it will still exist.

I do not want to deal with it at all. I never asked for it. I never wanted it.

All your suggestions have been tried. And I refuse to settle.  Refuse to accept and deal with that which is not wanted.

No more risks.  No more grasping at straws. No more extending a hand only to get it burned or bitten.

No more believing the lies.  No more giving in times of need but being abandoned or ignored when the script flips.

No I will not tell you what I really think.  You do not want to hear it. You can offer nothing but platitudes and psychological delusion.

No more nightmares about the violation.  The violation that makes me go overboard to prove I am a macho man.

No I do not want drugs. If I can take antidepressants I might as well take cocaine, heroin and marijuana.

No I do not want therapy. If I can listen to them I can listen to rabbis, pastors, priests, lamas, and imams.

I just want to end it all. To end consciousness. To not feel or think anything. And it is coming.

Why have I not ended it already do you ask?  Fear and the demon called hope.  And the symbolism of birth.

Best to leave on the same day I arrived. Because it shows that I control and own my life.  Not gods not other humans not aliens.

I owe nothing to anyone. Did not ask to be born. Did not ask to be conceived.

You will be sad at my demise you say. Should  stay alive when I hate everything i am?  Just to appease you.

Should I keep this despicable and sickening human body and brain going to spare your feelings?

Give me a logical reason why.  Ah that you cannot do.  Because there is no logical reason for my life.  I am just a random accident.

No more acting like I belong. No more hioding my self hate under layers of normality.  No more accepting living in a world where there is nothing real that can satisfy or satiate me.  No more lying to myself.

No more be.

No more see.

No more me.



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lifeishorribe 4/4/2012 - 12:45 am

Wow I absolutely love this!You should publish this!It’s so deep,It really touches me.

A-Penguin-Who-Dreams-Of-Flying 4/4/2012 - 1:42 am

Wow this is amazing, I agree with lifeishorribe, you should definentally publish this. I found this even more touching than “To be or not to be” by Hamlet, which was my previous favorite speech.

ctb-driver 4/4/2012 - 2:27 am

Well said, well put – just the facts, no judgement, logical conclusion points to one answer. PS: the demon of Hope never goes away, but he’ll always let us down

U.N. Owen 4/4/2012 - 11:25 am

Thanks folks.
No pride or esteem to speak of so publishing it would be… not me…
Of course with a psuedonym….

iamnotkristen 4/4/2012 - 6:55 pm

I like your writing. Simple words that say so much.

Asthenia 4/5/2012 - 11:45 am

Sounds like you found the backdoor to my thoughts…

truthbetold 4/30/2012 - 10:40 pm

“No more accepting living in a world where there is nothing real that can satisfy or satiate me. No more lying to myself.”

I like this and what ctb-driver said about the demon of hope

I’ve always thought I’d meet someone smart enough to reach the depths of my psyche and convince there’s a real, meaningful purpose to being alive .. too bad that didn’t happen

truthbetold 4/30/2012 - 10:54 pm

too much hypocrisy around the topic of suicide

we all know human beings are incredibly selfish .. yet, suicidal people are expected to hang in there because some people will be hurt by their decision

I’m tired of exploring the depths of my psyche .. tired of looking for reasons to stay, tired of bullshitting myself into living .. tired of fighting when I don’t even believe in the fight

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