I don’t remember anything before the age of four but I definitely remember that age. It was the first time I tasted cum… Isn’t that just awesome… Then for the next 5-6 years I was used as a punching bag, a slave, a sex toy, the epitome of a step child. My mom knew and would stay after he swore to not do it again. I could see the evil in his eye when he would tell me how sorry he was. I knew what was coming as my mom smiled because he swore he would never do it again. He was going to punch me or burn me or beat me with a belt for telling on him. It would be a good enough beating to make me scared to say anything for another year or two. The most ironic part is she did leave him when he cheated with a grown woman. She then moved us to the next males house in another state. She married him in a matter of a few months. He was handy with a belt and had a very twisted evil side. He tried to get sexual with me and he asked me did I like it and I said no I don’t. I told him don’t ever do it again. He beat my step-brother severely on a daily basis. Which my mom found a sick pleasure in because she hated him. I have many many flashbacks of his beatings and few of my rapes. Very few of my beatings. I remember them, they, consciously, just don’t make me feel like I am there or have horrible anxiety. My little brother being beat is a whole other thing. I feel like it is happening right then. I will say out loud no stop this can’t be happening before I realize I am saying it out loud. I latch on to a guy that treats me like shit and puts his hands on me on a regular and then when I finally have enough self esteem to tell him to go I am 21 years old. All that time wasted on miserable unhappiness. Well except when I would stay completely distorted. Just to be able to deal I was mostly altered. At 22 I meet a real partner to me. Someone I would have sworn would never ever do anything horrible to me. I marry him, we have a seemingly great life until he badgers me into getting pregnant. And that is when my real torture begins. He got me pregnant to save him from addiction to cocain he later tells me. But it didn’t work he found ice and a glass pipe to make him the devil encarnate. He blatantly tortures me and lies cheats spends all our money and leaves me alone to pay everything by myself. He put his hands on me. Prior to him doing this to me was the first time I felt I had it together. When it all came crashing down as he laughed at me, I was losing any sense of myself, the ability to feel deserving of good. I then left and during that time I graduated from college. I moved to my mothers, yes the woman that allowed her husband to do unspeakable things to me. I had zero sense of worth. Yet again, I had no feelings of control of my own happiness. I found a job and moved back to my college town. I even bought my very own house. My ex found a lot of pleasure in torturing me. So, stupidly I move back to my home town at the insistence of a guy I thought was my friend and, yes you guessed it, my mom. It was then that it all came crashing in. I had my first real nervous breakdown. Not my first attempt at ending it all. I attempted the first time when that monster that raped me repeatedly had molested a baby and told his wife why are you pressing charges my last wife didn’t. I not only felt responsible but I also found out I would have to testify in front of him. It wasn’t even a choice or a thought out decision. I simply took the whole medicine cabinet. I was 12. But as you can tell it didn’t take. I woke up the day before I was to leave for court. Hungover, scared and ashamed I walked into a court room to find that they had decided to allow for only the jury to be there not him or his attorney. So I explain things I don’t even know the words for. I’m embarrassed and get through it. Then I’m told that I was going to be taken in to state custody. I ran from their grasps and went to my mom begging that they don’t charge her or take me away. It worked and set a presidence for how the rest of my life would go; running to those that hurt me. Those that could truly care less about my well being. However, while back in my hometown the two people that talked me into coming to their loving arms became the people that nurtured me hating myself worse than ever. At this point I was constantly trying to hurt myself. Trying to not wake up. I took 120 mgs of Xanax. Yet I still woke up. Once in a psych ward. That is where I was given the drug seroquel which seemed to be the best thing since sliced bread. Within 3 months I had packed on 80 lbs. from a size zero to a size 14. About this time I found an amazing psychologist. He saw me every Saturday for free it was the only thing I had to look forward to. My beautiful amazing daughter was reaching the age that I first tasted cum and my dr was making me very aware of what was truly wrong with me. I had PTSD and severe anxiety. All due to my mother allowing all these horrible things to happen to me do that she could feel as though she was happy.
This was not at all what my mom could stand to hear. This was also where I was taught to tell when I get to that horrible place. To trust that it would be for the best. I would leave his office feeling very empowered and worth something. It wouldn’t take long for my mom of so called friend to make sure I felt like a horrible pathetic piece of nothing. A feeling I had known most of my life. Finally I grew some, and bailed. But, I still felt as though I could never have a step dad for my daughter that I must get her bio dad back in get life. I did just that and thinking it was all okay because he had changed and if he got to know our daughter he couldn’t do anything to mess that up. Well he did and I felt suicidal once again. It didn’t take me long to get over that. I then met a man I thought was a god send. However, he left me completely abandoned and dependent on him financially. So I turn to my ex, my child’s father. Yeah, you seeing a pattern. Run to the ones who hurt me the most. He had been really great until tonight. I stupidly reached out to him when I felt like a blade slicing my arm would feel better than the pain I feel right now. He treated me like total shit. And didn’t have one nice encouraging thing to say. I’m a wreck and I don’t know how to get any sense of joy back in my life. The only thing I can think of to help would be not to be.
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Where do I even begin to find an adequate responce
You didn’t deserve what happened to you then and certainly don’t deserve his treatment of you now. You’re stronger than this. And with you beside her, your daughter will carry on your strength. Keep protecting her as you would have wanted to be protected.
I’m with Liger. Words aren’t adequate for the horrors you were put through.
I don’t know why you keep running to the ones that hurt you. I’m interested to hear what your therapist thinks. If I were to take a stab in the dark, I would guess that you blame yourself for all these wrongs, you think it was your fault, so you run to them for forgiveness. This is all topsy turvey. THEY should be running to YOU for forgiveness. And your mother, oh I wish you would break all ties with her. She is so arrogant to leave a man for cheating on her, but put up with him molesting her daughter??? Because a child poses no threat to her place as ‘wife’… disgusting…
Well, I think you’re amazing for having survived this. And it’s clear at this point you can’t rely on other people. But I think first you have to stop blaming yourself for these horrible things. They were the ones who hurt you. The sooner you rid their toxic prescence from your life the better.
Im thinking about the phrase ‘unwanted child’… doesn’t this phrase go hand in hand with ‘negligent parent’? There are plenty of ways you can avoid having an unwanted child.
I have not spoken to my mom in many years now. The therapist that helped me through while I was in the midst of my nervous breakdown was the one that assisted me in going back to my college town, and getting away from the so-called friend and my mom. Oh, of which they both ended up spending a whole lot of inappropriate time together. It seems really conspiracy theory that they had transpired for all that to happen prior to having me move back to my home town. However, they were a pretty good team in messing with my feelings of being powerless. So, when I got back to my college town I found a new therapist. She is actually the one that made me realize how much I needed to break the ties with my mom. With my daughter reaching the age of my first soul stealing rape and having an amazing psychologist and then having an amazing therapist here is what made me realize that it was time to have zero contact with my mother. I have yet to break that, of which I still get grief from family about. However, I let it roll off my back.
As far as the unwanted child that was me. Not my bbgirl. After I did take her father back and he still messed up I let him go. And I had actually became so happy before he came back and after he left with me and my bbgirl. We did everything together and there is nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure nothing ever harms her. Her dad, the one that abandoned us, in every sense of the word, while I was still pregnant for drugs, did get clean and since I have let him go a second time, he slowly became an amazing father. He is just so self centered and could not care enough about me to talk me down off a cliff as I was ready to jump. He says he doesn’t know what to say to help. He could definitely start with not making it worse and reminding me I have no one but him. I am here in his apartment, because this most recent break up I had really messed me up, out of no where I lose my best friend, the person I text and talked to all the time. Every second we spent together was so great. As I said before I can’t fathom giving her a step dad. So, the boyfriend/ best friend was not around her very often at all. So, it didn’t phase her thank goodness. However, he was helpful financially and although I am illegal educated I work at a low paying job and have no idea how I will make it through this month. I also felt so rejected that I am indeed here at my child’s father’s apartment. I couldn’t face being alone. I am really glad to hear the entries of my strength being admired but I feel as though I am the farthest thing from strong that there is. My daughter can’t remember when it was just she and I. She only remembers her daddy being the greatest thing since sliced bread, and that was what I wanted. The thing I never had, a loving father. Yes I let him off the hook too easily. In all that time in therapy I knew no matter how hard we worked on it, I would never be able to trust another man in her life as a father figure after what happened to me. This very well could be due to thinking I could have any symbolence of my mother in me. I do not feel the same bond we had before daddy became her everything. I don’t know how to be as great a mom as I used to be. People used to say I don’t know how you do it. She went everywhere I did. I would tell them just like they get up everyday and get ready, I get us up and get ready. It becomes just like anything else in your life, a habit or routine. She has changed a whole lot since being around her father so much. He had 5 years to make up for and he tries to do that everyday. So, now at 7, something I had her broke of at 2, she cries when she doesn’t get her way. Which is not something that goes well between she and I but dad rewards that behavior. I’m very happy she has her dad again, it is just another thing that I was good at and so so very happy with, that has changed significantly.
I woke up this am and realized I had started my period and I can see how this was probably a factor in my feelings of hopelessness I had last night. Not that I wasn’t just as depressed as I have been any other time that I wanted to make it all end. I think that my PMS had a huge role in how I handle or don’t handle things. I know I should not be here at his place, I know he didn’t deserve the chance he has been given and after all I have done for him he wouldn’t do the same for me. So, I don’t know why I always run to him when I am fearful of being alone. He stinks at being supportive unless it helps him in someway. Plus, again, he doesn’t deserve it. I just do not want anyone else to see me like this beat down and just depressed.
I understand that ‘unwanted child’ is you, not your parent. And I was implying that ‘negligent parent’ was your mother.
It sounds like your daughter’s father is spoiling her…this is great for him, he is always the good guy. But children need boundaries and rules, and it’s not fair if you are the one always having to enforce them. Tell father that there’s more to being a good parent than playing the good guy.
I also get very emotional and overwhelmed when I have my period. It probably doesn’t help how you’re feeling.
I hope you can expand your social circle and find other people to trust… women maybe… leaning on people when they’ve already let you down probably won’t go well.