update

well ive been with this amazin guy for 1 year, 5 months, nd 1 week.. evryday i feel soo grateful for havin him.. nd hez fixed the problems i had wit my family.. he evn helped me thru the pain of the past 15 yrs of physical abuse ive suffered.. nd evrythin is perfect.. my grades culd use a little help.. other than dat, evrythin is perfect. but wen im alone.. all those thoughts of suicide nd alcohol nd drug abuse come rushin thru my head.. nd i feel like im abt to fall over nd jst pass out.. i get light headed nd feel a sharp pain on my wrists.. nd i get a rush.. becuz it felt jst how it felt to cut myself.. idk y i keep havin these feelings wen evrythin nd evry1 around me is perfect.. i have this amazin guy in my life nd da pain i felt wit my family has almost vanished over night.. y do i keep wantin to die. is this God playin a sick game wit me. or WAT?!?!?!?!