Who am I?

I don’t really know what i expect to happen from doing this. I guess i just needed to find somewhere to let my thoughts be known before they just became to much to stand. I want to die, sometimes i think i know why other times i don’t. I’m not even sure how it started up, i guess at first i kept having dreams and fantasies of me being killed in an accident and it started to slowly get closer and closer to where i am now. I never want to hang out with friends, i can never live up to either my genius brother or my jock brother. Places Ive looked for help always say” Everyone is here for a reason”, well the only reason i can find for me is to be there for someone to be happy that they are better then. No matter how hard i try to be happy with that i cant, and i feel so selfish because of it. Whenever im alone or my mind’s not busy it starts to drift towards suicide, i feel like half of my brain is trying to kill me while the other half if holding on to what little happiness i have.