Today I had my second dietetic intern class. I have spent my entire life aspiring to be something great, and I got into university with all A’s, and have passed every class in my four years with no less than an A-. Yet this doesn’t make me happy. I feel more incompetent and incapable of everyone in my class, everyone on the planet. I can’t even open my books because I feel so overwhelmed. I don’t want to wake up because I know that I’ll have to open my books which I can’t even do. Why? I have no idea. The material is so vast and I feel that I don’t understand any of it and I never will. I had a boyfriend who I used as a crutch, relied on him for my happiness but he could never provide and eventually he left me because I was too weak. I’m attractive, supposedly quite bright, my parents support me, and I beat out 25 other people for this internship spot. When I got in, I was so happy I started crying. And now that I’m in, I am so miserable and it’s not even that bad. Why do I let everything kill me, why can I never be happy for more than a day? Why is everyone better than me?
I realise that I am going to die. If I’m going to die, why does any of this matter? Why would it matter if I ended up a failure, a homeless loser, if I’m just going to die. I wouldn’t have to leave anyone anything, I could just rent an appartment, have no kids or a husband, owe no one anything. I wish I was a tree, or I wish I could have stayed a child forever, or I wish that I could restart. But if I could restart, I probably wouldn’t have done anything different. Because I’m too afraid to do what I want to do (Run away), and the world runs on money and competition.
Maybe I’m just having a bad day.
2 comments
The trouble is when bad days multiply. It’s very hard to remember there are good days especially when the stress of the world lands on your shoulders. I find taking some time to remember the really good days helps – it’s hard to find the time though sometimes. But that is they key word – sometimes. There will be good days again – for all of us and who knows what will happen a few years down the line. Things may seem pointless now (I know that one) but I believe everything – even bad things happen for a reason – just sometimes that reason isn’t always clear.
and nobody is ‘better than you’ – they just hide their deepest fears more
If these feelings continue talking to a therapist or just getting them out should help.
You are far from weak or incompetent.
May be undergoing the stress of actually achieving something you wanted.
Sometimes that has a way of making the mind go blank.
Maybe getting a study buddy or asking the instructor for some ectra help would aid in your mastery.