Anyone?

First let me say this is my first post on this website. This is my first time even on this website. If I’m posting this in the wrong forum or doing anything wrong I’m sorry.

Hi… my name is Chanc. I’m twenty three years old and from Arkansas. I live with my partner of three years in our own home. I have two dogs and no children. I was raised by my mother and paternal grandparents. My father left when I was an infant, and we’ve had a very distant and strained relationship ever since. He’s a decent enough man that enjoys alcohol and dislikes responsibility. My paternal grandfather passed away when I was twelve years old from lung cancer. It was three months after I had my hip replaced. Up until his death he was my world.  Whenever I saw him he told me I was his “buddy, pal, and very best friend”. I have yet to meet anyone else that feels that way about me or that I feel that way about. My mother tried her hardest, but we were poor and she was ill prepared for a child like me. As a child I had problems with anger and depression. I was briefly institutionalized once at a place called Rivendell in Benton, Arkansas. They said I suffered from acute depression and released me after one week. I’ve been back twice but as an adult. One of my skills has always been the ability to manipulate others. Since my first visit to Rivendell I have consistently been able to fool mental health professionals. I go to them from time to time for help. For some reason I lie to them, and prohibit any form of assistance. I don’t really know why. Two months before my eighteenth birthday I dropped out of high school. The rules and structure bothered me. Looking back it was probably a mistake. After taking my GED exam I was awarded a scholarship based off of my score to attend college. I enrolled and briefly attended during the fallowing spring semester. For some reason I just stopped showing up for class. All during this time I had met and fell in love with someone. We became best friends very quickly. We spent every day with each other as friends. I dedicated most of my waking hours to making him happy and earning money to spend on him. After being friends for three years we decided to date. In two weeks we will have been together for three years. These past three years have been very difficult and disappointing. For the past seven years I have had problems with a prescription pill and alcohol addiction. It seems I go through phases with it. Anything I have ever tried to accomplish I have either failed or given up. I spend my days now working, playing video games, and sleeping. That is my life. Nothing seems to bring me any happiness anymore. Nothing has ever brought me much happiness to begin with, but now it seems even harder to come by.

I’ve known almost as far back as I can remember that my life would end by my own hand. I’ve secretly attempted twice. The older I get the more I think about it, and the more I plan it. I’ve systematically and totally distanced myself from the few former friends I had. I have no one to talk to. I know what I have to do. In due time it will be done. However, I would like to be able to talk to someone in the mean time. For some reason I think it would be a little more pleasant to leave this world knowing I’m not totally alone.